Got Greed?

My mom and I were having a really in depth conversation earlier today. I forgot what we started off talking about, but I know what led to it.

I was thinking about how I was treating her boyfriend. I would hardly look at him in the eye most of the time whenever I was around him, and eventually saw the results of my actions. He would not look at me much either. I find that unfortunate. It's like you know what you are doing, but you still are too stubborn to change. Sometimes, I want to resist being nice, because I have a twisted conception of what weakness is. But what the heck? I want people to be nice to me, and for them to look at me in the eyes when they talk. I have a fear of becoming weak in front of any man that my mom or sister brings home. I don't like to feel that any male figures can push whichever women they want around. I have seen my mom looked down upon by other men, and also some of the inconsiderate ways that my father had treated my mom.

I've worked hard to change my perceptions of people for a couple of years now, but there is always something that I still have to keep working hard to change.

So instead of telling my mom what I was really thinking, I asked my mom if she thought that my face was getting better. (I've actually been trying to wash my face better so that I could remove most of the acne scars and bacteria underneath my skin). She told me "Just a little bit." I did not approve. I wanted a positive answer, because I saw my skin dramatically getting better. Unfortunately, my mom and I cannot see eye to eye. Anyway, my mom then told me that something must be bothering me, because I would ask for her opinion but then would want a different answer from the one that she gave.

Ultimately, we ended up talking some more, and I became intrigued with what she said. (My mom is a really interesting woman, and I love talking to her even though she can be hard to listen to sometimes. Nevertheless, I like to learn everything that I can from her.) All of a sudden, I started tell my mom that I wanted to know more than her. It was as if I wanted to compete for intelligence. I think that is why for the longest time I have been so jealous of people who are smarter me, and would have it much easier than I do in learning. People would tell me that I have a kind heart and other nice things, but I would often deny all of that. I never felt "right" describing myself using any of those positive characteristics. I felt more negative traits than more positive ones. Why don't people believe me though? I feel two-faced sometimes. It is not like I try to make myself that way, but I also have a problem of pleasing people to make them feel happy.

My personality is so complex. I still have to keep learning more about myself before I can feel comfortable being with anyone. My family (mother, and two younger sisters) know the kind of person that I am, but I have to say that we still do not know each other all that well. Everyone is always hiding something. Recently, we've been more open with one another, and that helps somewhat.

Back to greed. GREED is in me!!! After my mom told me that I what I have is greed, I was so relieved. I was like, "Mom! You've explained something that I've felt for the longest time!" It was greed. When I was younger, a lot of people put me down. Although the adults in my family did not think that kids can hear what they are saying, they're actually more attentive than actually believed. I wish I didn't have to take in so many of the negative criticisms. Over time, I began to believe all of those lies - that I am really a bad person, and that if I lived any longer, I'd probably do more harm than good. Man, rough times.

She used the comparison between the rich and poor. Many wealthy people do not feel satisfied and oftentimes want more despite already having so much. They would put themselves down, psyching them to believe that they do not have "enough" and that they should/deserve to get more. Similarly, I would put myself down even while I had good grades, friends around me, and a home to go to. I would then tell myself that what I have now is not and will not be enough. In other words, greedy people never feel satisfied. Dang. That is what I feel like most of the time. I never relax even when people tell me to, because I do not feel secure with what I have. This is why I can have a problem with being around people, and also why I want to feel like I can be intellectually brighter than my mom.

Maybe it is easier explained verbally than in writing, but I hope that that parallel will make sense. Overall, it is the playful interaction between feeling satisfied, wants, and needs. I want to get good grades, and I need to do well in order to go to college, but I do not feel satisfied with what I have no matter what I do. So to "balance" this equation, I would want more. My needs seem to be satisfied and now becomes a tug-of-war between wants and feeling satisfied. Despite getting better grades, I still do not feel satisfied. I think that would add up to being greedy. But again, I insisted that I am not good enough mainly because of my past. I did not have anyone who would believe in me, and worse than that is my lack of faith in myself. I resorted to using competitiveness as a way to help myself get back in the race. If you challenged me, I will not back down. It could have been a way of survival. I'm not sure. But I don't think greed will answer all of what I have been through or felt.


Conclusion? Yes, I have one. Although it is easier to discuss a topic between people, we tend to listen to it readily because we are looking for answers. However, answers do not come forth or reveal themselves to you that smoothly like a smoothie. (I think they can come out in chunks, and you would have to dig out the ones that you like best.) Nothing is ever clear. Also, focus on your life, find out what is important to you, ask why, and remember that your life is not just yours along but actually involves many others close to you (and sometimes those you've never met). Life is interesting. I feel like this probably will always be the only conclusion that I can ever come up with, or come close to, in that life is interesting.

I'm learning and re-learning how to appreciate the people around me. I am also learning how to "bother" people and not feel so guilty about it. (Ah, back to those high school days.)

Thanks for the talk once again, Mom!!! Thank you for my mom, God!! I still don't know all of You yet, God, but maybe one day I will get so close to understanding you that I won't have to guess all the time.

From laboratory to farm: a scientist’s visit to the local herb farm | On the Brain

From laboratory to farm: a scientist’s visit to the local herb farm | On the Brain

This is some really awesome stuff that is going on. I wanted to look further into what natural medicine can do for the body. Perhaps this could give me an idea of where I can go in the near future.

Honestly, I am so bad at words. Something crossed my mind today. It had to do with one's worth. I thought about my mom. She's so hardworking that I feel like I'm unrelated to her in so many ways. God, I don't think I know or understand who you are. In this time, I would mistaken you for a God who is too far away for me to talk to, or befriend. I really would like to know You better. I don't want to make my mom or other people around me sad. But I am very difficult.

Be lifted high. Our world be lifted high.

A New Chance with a New Guy?

Dear God,

I really like this guy named Jesse, and I hope that I made the right decision for him to know. I enjoyed the fact that he likes me too. What's more interesting is that it seems like he liked me first. In the beginning, I was really interested in him, because of his appearance. I think that he is a good-looking guy. What is sweet is that he thinks the same about me.

The only problem is that I do not have consistent beliefs about myself. I would see my reflection in the mirror, but sometimes I focus more on the scars than I do on the general exterior surface of my face. I am not comfortable with my skin condition. I suffered too much throughout the years to feel good under my own skin. I want to change that though. In a way, I hope that this guy can help me. I don't want to expect him to, but I am hopeful that meeting someone new could do that.

He's a seriously sweet guy, and I cannot ask for a better guy friend. I still do not know him that well. I do not believe that texting all the time can give us the upper hand of getting to know one another. However, it is still a useful tool for communication. I find myself attracted to him, and often yearning to see or hear from him.

This is where I become a little miserable, because I tend to think about my father. I wonder if I am so obsessive about people that I like due to my desire for feeling wanted. Most of my life, I have felt so rejected by people. They probably do not think about their actions, but it still affects me. I think and tend to overthink a lot. I do not yet know how to control myself. However, I am trying to work with what I have so far.

Honestly, I wanted to know if my feelings for this new guy in my life to be real. I wanted to believe that what I feel is not something that I fantasize. I thought that I could just forget about him, or let him go, but I realize that every time he would text me with his words, I would smile. I like him. I would say that my fondness for him is growing. That makes me happy. I do not know if he is the right guy for me, but he makes me smile. I wish I could keep making him smile and laugh all the time. I'm sure that that it is not realistic, but I only wish that he has happiness in his life.

Our lives are too short to complicate it with dishonesty, distrust, hurt, sadness, hatred, and jealousy. If he is not interested in me anymore, I would have to accept that. I hope that I can. I hope that I will know what to do around him. I tend to complicate things and am still confused. I want to seem strong before him, but it might appear that I am cocky. Then I would switch over to wanting to be silly to reveal my true nature. I am silly by nature! I cannot help that. But I can be overboard with how I talk to people. Still, he tells me that he has patience. I hope his patience will be strong enough for me.

I hope to also learn to be more patient. I do not want to live an unrealistic life. I want to be able to live in the present moment, too.

In any case, I'll continue to focus on myself in order to build myself to be stronger.

Thank you for becoming my friend. Thank you so much for expressing your thoughts and communicating them with me! I feel so happy already to know that you can do that and be open.

Thank you, God, for allowing him to be in my life. I feel so lucky. Maybe he is my second chance at love. Maybe. I don't want to wish too hard, because I would like for you to reveal your plan to me.

Your Daughter,
A-Nam

To Joseph Song

Dear Joseph,

I never got to really know you. I only met you in person. We said hello but that was about it. I never knew what to talk to you about, because I knew your girlfriend more than I did you. Today has been a really sad day having learned that you have passed away. I honestly never know how to respond when people tell me that someone has passed away, and especially someone so young. I cannot believe what I  have heard with my own ears. You're so young! You're actually my age.

Life is quite short, isn't it? We never know when we could be ripped away from our loved ones. At this time, I want to share my thoughts now before I forget how I feel. When I spoke to your girlfriend, I was disturbed. I am concerned for Candice. She loves you. You two were always together and having a good time. Sometimes, I wanted to spend more time with Candice, but you were always around. I'm glad you had more time with her now. I'll do my best to keep her company and help her if she wants it.

Thanks for your smiles and sweetness. I'm certain that you were a wonderful friend, son, and boyfriend.

Take care and keep smiling why don't you. :) I hope to get to know you better one day. I'm glad to have at least met you.

I've copied something from your Facebook page. I hope you won't mind. I think that the poem is beautiful.

"Sweet Dreams is what I get when I think of you

Your pretty eyes glows like the stars

I can even seem them from afar

Your beautiful face shines like the moon

It lights the way and it will never fade

For even when you grow old and saggy

With Skin touching the floor like never before

I will always feel your beauty down to my core

So baby! I promise to love you forevermore."

A New Hair-Cut

Yes. I've received a new hair-cut. It's one that is very similar to the one that I had two years back when things were going rough for me. Funny how it seems like I've gone back in time every time I look in the mirror. Nevertheless, the experience this time is different. Instead of getting mad at my mom for cutting my hair so short, I instead laughed and made many jokes all the while that my hair was being shortened. Meanwhile, as my mom saw the way that I reacted to such a hair-cut, she began to feel guilty and did the best that she could to please me. The thing is that (two years back) I used to feel horribly about who I was and it was my hair--whatever remained on my head--that I could change without doing much physical damage onto myself. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. So, now it is shorter than ever before. I remember how I said that I wouldn't cut it any shorter anymore, and that I would grow it long so that I would donate it. Looks like I will have to re-do that process all over again.

Still, through all of this, I can see that I've grown in a way that shows to both  me and my mom that I do care about my family. Or rather, that I don't care so much about the world and it's perception of me. Of course I still look in the mirror and ask myself how can I make my face look normal, or fitting to my new hairstyle? That probably might not happen, because most likely the majority of the hairstyles that people wear today aren't all that satisfying to me. I don't like my bangs; I've always worn that since I was younger and it's just annoying to have hair covering a part of my face. Long hair is a lot of work, and oftentimes, I don't do very much with it. Girls tend to work with their hair, using straighteners, iron curlers, gels, etc., but I don't know what to do with  my hair. At least, I don't think anything works for me at the moment.

Sometimes, I think that I look like a boy, or seem to show off some masculine features. Maybe it's also because I act in certain ways that do not portray me as a girly type of girl. I don't like being labeled or limited in who I am or can be. First of all, I do not yet understand who I personally am yet. I just know that I am still learning more about myself so it takes time and I need space to make mistakes and to take on various perspectives. This means that I do not appreciate people siding with "this is how you should dress in order to be more feminine". But what if I don't want to be more feminine? What if I've been there and am tired of how obsessive over looks I have to be in order to feel like I will be able to fit in? Then again, being careless like a typical boy is not all that I want either. Nowadays, you can even see boys wear earrings. What does that tell you? I feel like it just shows that we're always trying to find a 'look' which will fit us, or maybe it is a look that will help us to 'fit in' with the crowd.

Well, for me, I don't want to please anyone. I can't possibly please people anyhow with the way that I look now. Therefore, I'm going to go with wearing a cap over my head. I think I will look more tom-boyish, but that doesn't matter now. I have to cover my head most of the time. I don't really like the way my hair sticks up too much, especially after I have taken a shower. Oh wells. It will definitely be a journey, not to mention now that I live on a campus where I actually know more people. I see too many people/familiar faces every day as I walk to class. LOL. It will definitely be entertaining, I think. Let's see what God has in store for me this time. :) Hopefully, I will not succumb to my inner thoughts--that I will be more open-minded--so I can treat my life as an adventure.

Doing Things

I think I am writing maybe sporadically. I want to concentrate and do well on my exam, but I feel distracted at times, because I keep thinking about how I need sleep in order to remember anything. Well, I will sleep perhaps at 3am? -sighs- Then not go to my morning class? >.> Yes, I feel like I would have to skip my morning class if I still want some sleep.... Sighs. This is ridiculous--what I do. After all, I spent my time worrying greatly over physics and not paying enough attention to Cell Bio. I haven't been studying for my mcat either, but I know that studying well for physics should pay off. It just has to. I'm not trying to ignore/avoid anything in particular right now; at times, I just want to be alone. I don't want things to boggle my mind so much where I cannot do anything well or allow for my soul to feel uneasy.

 But whatever, I cannot do anything about the past. The present moment does have much to worry. Future and past does not seem to even matter as much anymore. Everything just seems to blend in.