It Rained A Lot Today

Something that I would like to do is to get my work done first of all. I have a group presentation tomorrow on Occupy Wall Street. I think I am pretty excited for that. I really like my group. They're really nice people and I have enjoyed working with them. I have to keep learning and reminding myself not to judge another person. I know that I have some stereotypical influences about me and I would look at a person a specific way, but I'm going to have to learn how to stop doing that.

But yeah, tonight is the night to get a lot of things done! I would like to be productive and to stop fidgeting so much. Silence is much needed in my life. The more I think about other things, though, I will become more distracted. I hope to get past these thoughts of mine. Thank you, Lord, for providing for me. Thank you, for believing in me. I'm thrilled to have you as my Heavenly Father--my one and only.

Where Does My Confidence Lie?

3 weeks left before final exams are over and I can go home for Winter Break. 3 weeks left before I can say that "I have nothing to do". 3 weeks before torture... 

I mean why say until 3 weeks will I have to face my torture of examinations? I already am torturing myself at the moment with the way that I feel. I have had some set-backs that is making me question all that I've been doing. For example, I did so horribly on my group project for Spanish class that I'm not sure what to expect as a grade from that class anymore. I'm afraid that I have shoved away all the opportunities by not studying enough. My mind always inquires "how should I be studying?" when, really, I've done more questioning than trying to do the work itself. I realize that I have been too care-free with my time. I talk so blatantly to people about things that I feel like will not really help me or anyone else. I'm always thinking about other people, or if not that then about immoral things. I should try to control that part of myself more often. It's weird that when I think about these things do I begin to think about my father, whom I still call "father". I wonder if he deserves this title still or at all? I guess everyone deserves something, but deserving means that the person must have done something so great that it would be hard to say no to them. I don't think he deserves to see my family. He doesn't deserve very much because he doesn't seem to want to change. 

Anyway, I've seriously been going to too many Christian-related events. I feel overwhelmed because of it. Sometimes, I'm not even sure what I'm doing. Maybe I should start saying, "Yes, I am sure". In this way, I could have more confidence in what it is that I end up doing. Having a social life is necessary but there needs to be a limit in how much I should be around people. I don't always feel very comfortable. Sometimes, I don't even like being around people and just want to be left alone. 

There have been times when I wish I could concentrate better on my own without relying so much on people. I seem to say yes to too many things, and I end up kind of regretting it. Like yesterday, I ended up staying over to a friend's place, because I thought that I could study there much more easily with people. That didn't work out though. I should start to learn that no one is ever going to look out for me; I need to do this on my own and learn this now. 

I need to say "Yes" to more of my school work than to the events "out there". YES, I am confident in what I do. YES, I can get a good grade as long as I study and put a lot of time and effort into it. YES, I WILL overcome and no one or anything can stop me from getting what it is that I deserve. I am important enough to do things my way without having to fear constantly other people's feelings and what it is that they might think. I don't want to stay cooped up in fear. It is unfair for me. 

Dear God, please let me not take anything for granted, even the schoolwork and all that I have to learn at this moment in time. I don't want to destroy the opportunity presented to me as a college student. I want to include a lot of things in my life, but Lord, please show to me the things that I need when I need it most for I am dependent on your wisdom. I am still a child. But I yearn to keep going and learn under your Grace. Thank you, God.

My Final Good-Byes.

I don't think I can write in this blog anymore. All that I have managed to share here will remain. It just seems to me that the more that I try too hard to do something, the worse that something will become. Essentially, I don't want to push myself into doing anything that I know I cannot do anymore--which is writing in this blog. It doesn't suit me to do it anymore. Perhaps this is just another phase of life for me. It was a good experience having written out my feelings, thoughts, and desires; and most of them came from sad but also my hopeful self. Well, whatever I learned, I know that I will never be alone in any situation. And if I ever find myself thinking too much--or wayy much more than my brain can handle--then I know I should chillax and let the little things go.

I feel like this is a time to let things settle down and not force everything all at once in hope that something will work out. From what I have seen, I need to let certain things take their own course. In the end, nothing will last but we still have to make the best of the things that we still have with us. For example, our family and our closest friends. But more importantly, our sanity needs to be kept in check. If this would help at all to write down, I think patience has done me good. Most people still have a temper in which they cannot seem to control or may find it appearing randomly at times when they wished it hadn't, but maybe they are signs in which you're not truly taking a good care of yourself. For instance, lately I haven't had much sleep at all, and it messed with my head so much that I began to feel depressed suddenly from one small situation, leading me to pitying my entire life and lifestyle. I don't know, just think about it for a bit and see if I am right or wrong.

As for my family, I am getting to know them more and more each and every day that I spend time hanging out with them; I learn so much more than I ever thought I could. I see many things that I lack. I have to accept my faults and make amends to keep learning so that I won't have to make such mundane mistakes again. I just  need more patience for myself in learning how to treat them better as my family; but I also need patience for seeing the results of our good and bad times together.

Anyhow, it was great serving and helping to serve people through blogging. I learned a great deal the past year or so. I wish every one the best. Keep a positive attitude and remember to take care of your mind and body.

God bless you! :)

Mental Block

I know what I want to talk about actually. Everyone has a mental block in which they struggle to free themselves from. If they can't, then they end up succumbing to it.

But how do I figure out what it is that I want to do when each person only confuse me more with all that they have to say? "Don't be lazy," one person says, "but you need to enjoy your life so I don't want for you to work"; "Don't be lazy," says the next person, "and you need to work to get what want in life"....

I can only do so much. I don't want to be one extreme and work like crazy without enjoying my own life; but I don't want to not do anything. It's just...people's messages have been so vague. Everyone has different interests for either themselves for the people that they care about, but still.. I don't quite understand their intentions. I can't even understand myself yet. Dang. REALLY? -___-

There is just so much for me to think about when it comes down to myself. How in the world am I able to think of other people? And yet, I keep doing the opposite thing. It's so easy for me to say, "I can always get back to you later, because right now the person that is on my mind should be tended to first." Where is the frickin' balance?

Happiness....should start with the self, right? But then, without people by your side, can that happiness endure, or will it wither?

I've come to the conclusion, however, that if you really believe in what you're chasing after, then the thing which follows it would be to really act/do/move (anything which will make your beliefs become a reality).

I have been thinking about the friend who is now in the hospital. I really wish that I could cheer him up. I know that I don't really mean much to him, especially since we've only met at least thrice or so. Talked a bit. I have an idea on what I could do for him, but it will take some time before I can make it happen. So far anything that I've done have only been thoughts. It's just that I still have a battle of my own that lies deep inside of me. I still have my mental block. I still hesitate. I still don't believe in myself as much as I should be doing. But I believe in miracles. I believe that God can help my friend. There is a reason why he cannot move his limbs, but he is still able to think. I believe that the mind is a powerful tool. He needs to believe that he can make it through this hardship. He needs to stay strong and continue to be encouraged by family and friends. He needs to believe in himself...because the hardest thing that can ever happen to anyone is becoming immobile and not knowing how to vent out the feelings embedded inside of the heart and mind. The mind must stay positive for some clarity and peace.

As I battle out my own thoughts, I hope and pray that he will too as he lies on that bed.

Everyone, take care of your head; basically, do take care of yourself. And stay strong.

Your Will To Change Lies Deep Inside

Lately, I don't know what to write, or if I should at all...

But anyway, I've just finished playing tetris. I love that game. There's something about it that attracts me, and I can play for a pretty long time if I don't know how to stop myself. I've been thinking, though, that perhaps the reason why I love the game is because there is a bit of a surprise whenever a block begins to fall down, and sometimes you have to be quick on where you would like to place them all. It's like you already know what to expect, since there are only a few number of shapes in which you are very familiar with. Interestingly enough, however, every game turns out different. Some games could take longer than the other; while there are still others which frustrates you and you just want to quit... but that's not the truth. Eventually, you do want another chance. Again, you hit the "start" button. 

All of us are looking for chances--whether it would be second, third, fourth, and even fifth chances in life--and we all need it. If not, then how could we possibly think of changing? It would suck to see everyone and everything around us change, while we only remain where we are with our bad habits and unlikable attitude towards the world. I don't believe that people cannot change, because I just can't. I want to change, and no one can stop me from doing that. I've been unclean for so long. It's time to get better. 

The more time that I spend in school, the more that I learn about my surrounding environment. I couldn't have seen the things that I do now without having been exposed to it in school. I feel that as college students now, it might be the only time to experience all the things that you wish you could as adults. 

The other day, I walked downtown and saw a woman with four children. She is Hispanic, and she has two younger daughters and a son who were all around the ages of seven to ten years old (I'm just estimating); she also has another baby which she carried wrapped around her back with some form of cloth in order to hold onto the baby. The cloth was knotted right in front of her chest and the baby was cramped up inside it from behind. I wonder.. when people look at her and her children, do they pity her? Do they want to even help her? Do they look down on her? Do they laugh inside their heads? Do they disagree? 

Oh yes. They disagree alright. Everyone stares at the woman and her children. She's so noticable. But as I look at her, she hardly cares about what other people think or how they look at her. She doesn't even have the energy to really think (or really notice as I did!) about how other people might view her. But I'm sure everyone has gone through bad situations before, and sometimes we have the majority of the people look down on us with disapproval. But there's something about this situation which makes me think.. 

I met another young man who is a college student at Princeton University studying Biochemistry, I think. He was talking to his group of Christian friends and since I was around, I ended up listening to his story. He inquired help or ways in which he should be approaching other people who taunt the Christian beliefs. The young man feels hurt that he spends most of his time around people who mock his  beliefs, and joke about it--even if they are his friends, and they don't seem to understand or give him much respect. Most people tend to see that science and religion are two separate spheres that do not technically come together and that they should remain separate. Science people look at religion and how it explains the world to be inferior to the "living" proof of fossils for evolution to chemical and technological advances. Then, another person within the group decides to speak up and say that, "Well, Jesus talk to fisherman about fish, and shepherds about sheep...."; what he means is that sometimes we need to use science to explain to man about God and his works. After all, did not God create the universe with his own mighty hands? This makes him the absolute engineer of the universe. A third friend spoke up and says "No, I don't believe that you can use science to talk to man about God--I just can't see that happening". I think I would have to agree with the third person, because even though Jesus was using metaphors to describe Heaven and earth, many people could not understand him--sometimes not even his own disciples--until it was clarified to them. I think that whatever you are good at or specialize well in, use it to help yourself communicate better with other people. After all, you know what you know best. However, when it comes down to teaching others about God and compassion, I feel like talking is doable but it's only a part of what we can do to reach out to others. Something that strikes as important to me is the belief that there is hope for change. I believe in second chances, because I want and am in need of a second chance. Through this, I know that everyone needs it. 

God allows it to be that once you receive the Holy Spirit, or the giver of life, you should allow it to manifest in all of your ways, and in all that you do. In this manner, you can reach people, no matter what race, background, beliefs, territory--it doesn't matter. I'm saying that instead of reaching people by words only, show and maintain it through your works everywhere that you go so that you can keep yourself whole, while allowing others to see that there is hope.

Did you know that we each give each other hope? I personally see my friends, my family, and the people around me to be a design of hope. I think about people in general, because I know that I do see the good and the bad things about life. But those things I cannot control, and the only thing that I can control are my own reactions. 

About the woman with four children, I looked at her and her children. I was deepened with sadness, and I had to look towards the sky. I really couldn't bear to look at the way people viewed each other. I mean, if that was my mom I was looking at, I would want to help her, you know? I can't just neglect the way she is... She's my mom. These children of hers are so young, and they cannot understand, but I feel like she's been blessed with good children. They listen to their mom and they hold hands when she tells them to. I can see the worry on her face as she makes sure that none of them gets left behind, so that they can remain by her side. That's quite a lot of burden to take on oneself. I had to ask her in broken Spanish if she works. She said no. I then asked her if she has a husband, she tells me yes. So I inquired what he worked as. Of course, I couldn't understand much, because my Spanish is pretty limited to a certain amount of vocabulary. But what I gathered was that her husband probably helps to fix the road. Nevertheless, I don't know if anyone can make that great of an income to support a wife and four children. After all, she speaks no English and was waiting at the bus stop near the train station.... I ended up giving her some money and went my way. 

To the friend who is afraid of others' judgments on his beliefs, I wish I could tell him that there is no need to. Everyone judges. I've been trying hard not to judge, but I still find myself doing it. 

Makes me smile, though, because with every mistake, and with every hardship that I go through (and that everyone goes through) I feel like it just brings us closer to God. We just have to allow for it to happen. We have to give ourselves a chance. Every life deserves a chance to break through. Amen.

Wanting the Wanted

It's funny to know that instead of worrying about God forgetting about us, especially in times of trouble, I think it's the other way around where He doesn't want us to forget about Him.

On Easter Day....

Jesus's Resurrection Changes Everything....!

Why? Because if he truly did come back from the dead, then honestly, He's alive!

He's all around us, and will constantly be with us, for death cannot stop Him from reaching to us.