Stressed for finals.

I'm stressed. Really stressed. I don't know how else to express it because I feel like I'm on my own. What if I could imagine everyone studying along side with me? I would still feel alone because we're all trying to get our own individual grades and how we perform on the exams will detail how we do overall in the class. Yeah, I admit it. I am scared. God, you are first and will always be first in my life. For me to know what your plans are for me, I must try my best to do well. I cannot and should not slack. That's all. God, I give you control. Please bless me at this time to complete and do well and learn things with my work. Thank you. Amen.

Let Me Vent

I feel very uneasy. Let me vent.

I want to study for my neurobio exam by going over the lecture notes as many times as possible for the exam starts next Wednesday. I am not too concerned, because I know that I still have some time to study for it. Then, I keep thinking about other classes and how my incomplete work for Spanish and Physics will somewhat deter my focus and energy into what I am supposed to be doing now - that is, studying for neurobio.

I think my forebrain is huge. It feels blocked often. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because I do not want to think or something. Anyway, I keep thinking about the group and people like Oliver, Kevin and Matt. They're the three guys that I feel like I can trust. They're really something - all of them. I want to make time for them, the group, and basically, for God.

Today has been most interesting. I woke up early at 7 AM just to write my 12-paged paper. Not to mention, I slept around 3 AM. NICE, huh. Well, today was also the Christmas Dinner for IV and I chose not to go because I wanted to keep doing work. I have already spent so much time doing other things, and I do know my limits. I'm not suppose to keep my mind constantly occupied with things. I want to relax and feel like I can get something accomplished.

Yes, God has put me on this Earth to do something. I do believe that I have a purpose on this Earth. I believe that I am here to help people find themselves and get closer to God. I cannot do that without knowing and understanding myself first. I'm so totally amazed with the people of IV. They have shown me a kind of gentleness that I don't usually see from people; and a willingness to love others for who they are. I'm glad. Truly glad. Thank you, God for a blessed environment such as Rutgers, full of people and diversity. We have a community here but we need to take advantage of all its goodness. Lord, I began to understand that after my first year of college. I could see that there was just so many opportunities available, and it was up to me to keep an open mind.

Lord, I want to be an inspiration to people and to myself. I want to be a person who encourages. I want to be able to speak with the Holy Spirit guiding my tongue. I tend to blabber on a lot about different things. I hope that one day I will feel like I can really fit in somewhere. At least, to have a place so that I do not keep on looking for another place. I think I want to be found by now. Lord, find me once again. I am sorry that I have turned away from you through my evil, hypocritical thoughts and sins.

You have died on the cross. Why is it that when something is repeated it becomes old? Should it become old? I mean we're suppose to feel replenished in hearing something so wonderful, right? Jesus DIED for us. What's not BIG about that? I think it also has to do with the way that I feel. When I tend to talk too much about my personal ongoing issues to other people. I hear myself as being redundant and then I think that I'm complaining. But am I? What does it mean to complain? I am grateful, though, for the things that I have and more. I think the way that I feel about something being redundant is because of what society teaches us - that we're always suppose to go after anything that is new, big, bold, colorful, expensive, etc. Yes, we're taught a lot of things, but it's up to us to filter out the bad from the good. I know now that God is good, and so I must filter out everything else that is not Him.

I must love Him by placing Him first in my life. It is a challenge, but why should it stop us? Every day has always been a challenge and has been since the start. Don't stop now. Keep on reaching out.

O Holy One

Holy One

How empty I feel. But how motivated I am to fill up this emptiness through "doing something".

You lift me up,
Holy One
Holy One

Dear Lord,
I won't give up. But I still need assistance. You know more than I do what it is that I want. I can make things up as I go, but to act upon how I feel I would like to open my mouth more to create, just like how I can use my hands to create. It's strange though how I keep imagining myself sitting down and writing (or is it drawing) whenever I feel like I should be alone or overwhelmed. There's something relieving about using my hands. I need to figure out what that means though, because I'm not sure if I understand it yet.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that "What if you tried to put God first in all that you do, but fill up the 'extra time' that you have to do 'other things,' such as homework or time for classes". I don't think I understand that too well. I think that if I did, I would have maintained the Sabbath. It's weird how I want to do good, but have hesitated so frequently that I've become nothing more than a hypocrite. Maybe that is a strong fear of mine, that people will come to think that I'm only a fake, a hypocrite, a liar - that I cannot say anything and perform them as readily.

I said that I wanted a community, but I am pushing people away. I think I push them away because I am also afraid of losing what I have gained so far. Therefore, I do know what it is that I have and the abundance of opportunities that have been granted to me. It's just...can I manage? Man. God seriously blessed me. But I have been so wildly confused that I keep questioning Him and all that is good.

How is it that I have come to question the thing that I wanted to be so much a part of? I want to be around good Christians who keep their faith, make friendships with a variety of people, and even accept various people for who they are. I care for people. Yet, I am somewhat prideful. I think I have pride. Interestingly enough, I do not have so much confidence. Maybe I'm beginning to see what it means to be prideful. A lot of people saw my humbleness before. I think what they saw was me creating for myself a sense of worthlessness that appeared humble. Or maybe I'm thinking too negatively again. What does it mean to be humble? How can I become more aware of the difference between being prideful and confident? I must continue to work on this.

Lord, I have gained so much freedom because I see when I am judging someone else. Yes, it is still there, but it has become much easier to change a situation by soothing out complicated feelings. Lord, you are all that is good. I must believe. I must continue to cherish You for who You are. Lord, thank You. I apologize for turning away from you. I think that I am still standing on sand at the moment with a few rocky pebbles underneath me to help support me from sinking. However, I would like to stand on stone, become firm in my thoughts and understanding, so that I do not roll and wash away like the ocean waves. I want to soar. Hmm, that's a nice thought. It is.

1pm

I still daydream. I think it has helped me to get back to where I need to be. I think that my purpose somewhere in life is to keep being a "kid" so that I can reach out to more people. Yes, I am still somewhat timid, but because of my sense of awareness, I tend to contradict who I actually am. I think that the reason why I'm almost always confused is because I would side one way at a certain moment in time and then change it to something else entirely new. Yeah, I am strange. But I think that that is okay, too.

I was actually thinking about how inside of myself, I can imagine myself being a little kid who is crying out to her daddy to love her, but because he does not really react in a loving way in reality, I think that this is where I have become numb to "feelings". I have been asking a lot of people about love, and God's love for me. I have also asked about faith through keeping the Sabbaths. But I think no matter how many times I try to ask or understand, I feel like I cannot understand. My questions are not right. There is something missing...

Thinking for myself is something that I need to keep working on. But I believe that I need to speak up more so that I do not offend anyone. I have constantly been afraid of getting on the wrong foot, but that has put me on the more reserved side. I am so aware that it drives me crazy.

What is weird is that I have become less in thought. I think that it is good that I do not think so much anymore, but I have had many blank moments where I just do not know what to say or forget so frequently that I make myself mad. It wasn't always like this for me. God, there are so many possibilities of change. May you teach me what change is right for me. I am in control of only my actions, and I think that that is it. I think that's a good thing, though, because at least I have more of a responsibility and hold onto the meaning of this sense of power you have granted to me.

It Rained A Lot Today

Something that I would like to do is to get my work done first of all. I have a group presentation tomorrow on Occupy Wall Street. I think I am pretty excited for that. I really like my group. They're really nice people and I have enjoyed working with them. I have to keep learning and reminding myself not to judge another person. I know that I have some stereotypical influences about me and I would look at a person a specific way, but I'm going to have to learn how to stop doing that.

But yeah, tonight is the night to get a lot of things done! I would like to be productive and to stop fidgeting so much. Silence is much needed in my life. The more I think about other things, though, I will become more distracted. I hope to get past these thoughts of mine. Thank you, Lord, for providing for me. Thank you, for believing in me. I'm thrilled to have you as my Heavenly Father--my one and only.

Where Does My Confidence Lie?

3 weeks left before final exams are over and I can go home for Winter Break. 3 weeks left before I can say that "I have nothing to do". 3 weeks before torture... 

I mean why say until 3 weeks will I have to face my torture of examinations? I already am torturing myself at the moment with the way that I feel. I have had some set-backs that is making me question all that I've been doing. For example, I did so horribly on my group project for Spanish class that I'm not sure what to expect as a grade from that class anymore. I'm afraid that I have shoved away all the opportunities by not studying enough. My mind always inquires "how should I be studying?" when, really, I've done more questioning than trying to do the work itself. I realize that I have been too care-free with my time. I talk so blatantly to people about things that I feel like will not really help me or anyone else. I'm always thinking about other people, or if not that then about immoral things. I should try to control that part of myself more often. It's weird that when I think about these things do I begin to think about my father, whom I still call "father". I wonder if he deserves this title still or at all? I guess everyone deserves something, but deserving means that the person must have done something so great that it would be hard to say no to them. I don't think he deserves to see my family. He doesn't deserve very much because he doesn't seem to want to change. 

Anyway, I've seriously been going to too many Christian-related events. I feel overwhelmed because of it. Sometimes, I'm not even sure what I'm doing. Maybe I should start saying, "Yes, I am sure". In this way, I could have more confidence in what it is that I end up doing. Having a social life is necessary but there needs to be a limit in how much I should be around people. I don't always feel very comfortable. Sometimes, I don't even like being around people and just want to be left alone. 

There have been times when I wish I could concentrate better on my own without relying so much on people. I seem to say yes to too many things, and I end up kind of regretting it. Like yesterday, I ended up staying over to a friend's place, because I thought that I could study there much more easily with people. That didn't work out though. I should start to learn that no one is ever going to look out for me; I need to do this on my own and learn this now. 

I need to say "Yes" to more of my school work than to the events "out there". YES, I am confident in what I do. YES, I can get a good grade as long as I study and put a lot of time and effort into it. YES, I WILL overcome and no one or anything can stop me from getting what it is that I deserve. I am important enough to do things my way without having to fear constantly other people's feelings and what it is that they might think. I don't want to stay cooped up in fear. It is unfair for me. 

Dear God, please let me not take anything for granted, even the schoolwork and all that I have to learn at this moment in time. I don't want to destroy the opportunity presented to me as a college student. I want to include a lot of things in my life, but Lord, please show to me the things that I need when I need it most for I am dependent on your wisdom. I am still a child. But I yearn to keep going and learn under your Grace. Thank you, God.

My Final Good-Byes.

I don't think I can write in this blog anymore. All that I have managed to share here will remain. It just seems to me that the more that I try too hard to do something, the worse that something will become. Essentially, I don't want to push myself into doing anything that I know I cannot do anymore--which is writing in this blog. It doesn't suit me to do it anymore. Perhaps this is just another phase of life for me. It was a good experience having written out my feelings, thoughts, and desires; and most of them came from sad but also my hopeful self. Well, whatever I learned, I know that I will never be alone in any situation. And if I ever find myself thinking too much--or wayy much more than my brain can handle--then I know I should chillax and let the little things go.

I feel like this is a time to let things settle down and not force everything all at once in hope that something will work out. From what I have seen, I need to let certain things take their own course. In the end, nothing will last but we still have to make the best of the things that we still have with us. For example, our family and our closest friends. But more importantly, our sanity needs to be kept in check. If this would help at all to write down, I think patience has done me good. Most people still have a temper in which they cannot seem to control or may find it appearing randomly at times when they wished it hadn't, but maybe they are signs in which you're not truly taking a good care of yourself. For instance, lately I haven't had much sleep at all, and it messed with my head so much that I began to feel depressed suddenly from one small situation, leading me to pitying my entire life and lifestyle. I don't know, just think about it for a bit and see if I am right or wrong.

As for my family, I am getting to know them more and more each and every day that I spend time hanging out with them; I learn so much more than I ever thought I could. I see many things that I lack. I have to accept my faults and make amends to keep learning so that I won't have to make such mundane mistakes again. I just  need more patience for myself in learning how to treat them better as my family; but I also need patience for seeing the results of our good and bad times together.

Anyhow, it was great serving and helping to serve people through blogging. I learned a great deal the past year or so. I wish every one the best. Keep a positive attitude and remember to take care of your mind and body.

God bless you! :)

Mental Block

I know what I want to talk about actually. Everyone has a mental block in which they struggle to free themselves from. If they can't, then they end up succumbing to it.

But how do I figure out what it is that I want to do when each person only confuse me more with all that they have to say? "Don't be lazy," one person says, "but you need to enjoy your life so I don't want for you to work"; "Don't be lazy," says the next person, "and you need to work to get what want in life"....

I can only do so much. I don't want to be one extreme and work like crazy without enjoying my own life; but I don't want to not do anything. It's just...people's messages have been so vague. Everyone has different interests for either themselves for the people that they care about, but still.. I don't quite understand their intentions. I can't even understand myself yet. Dang. REALLY? -___-

There is just so much for me to think about when it comes down to myself. How in the world am I able to think of other people? And yet, I keep doing the opposite thing. It's so easy for me to say, "I can always get back to you later, because right now the person that is on my mind should be tended to first." Where is the frickin' balance?

Happiness....should start with the self, right? But then, without people by your side, can that happiness endure, or will it wither?

I've come to the conclusion, however, that if you really believe in what you're chasing after, then the thing which follows it would be to really act/do/move (anything which will make your beliefs become a reality).

I have been thinking about the friend who is now in the hospital. I really wish that I could cheer him up. I know that I don't really mean much to him, especially since we've only met at least thrice or so. Talked a bit. I have an idea on what I could do for him, but it will take some time before I can make it happen. So far anything that I've done have only been thoughts. It's just that I still have a battle of my own that lies deep inside of me. I still have my mental block. I still hesitate. I still don't believe in myself as much as I should be doing. But I believe in miracles. I believe that God can help my friend. There is a reason why he cannot move his limbs, but he is still able to think. I believe that the mind is a powerful tool. He needs to believe that he can make it through this hardship. He needs to stay strong and continue to be encouraged by family and friends. He needs to believe in himself...because the hardest thing that can ever happen to anyone is becoming immobile and not knowing how to vent out the feelings embedded inside of the heart and mind. The mind must stay positive for some clarity and peace.

As I battle out my own thoughts, I hope and pray that he will too as he lies on that bed.

Everyone, take care of your head; basically, do take care of yourself. And stay strong.