My Final Good-Byes.

I don't think I can write in this blog anymore. All that I have managed to share here will remain. It just seems to me that the more that I try too hard to do something, the worse that something will become. Essentially, I don't want to push myself into doing anything that I know I cannot do anymore--which is writing in this blog. It doesn't suit me to do it anymore. Perhaps this is just another phase of life for me. It was a good experience having written out my feelings, thoughts, and desires; and most of them came from sad but also my hopeful self. Well, whatever I learned, I know that I will never be alone in any situation. And if I ever find myself thinking too much--or wayy much more than my brain can handle--then I know I should chillax and let the little things go.

I feel like this is a time to let things settle down and not force everything all at once in hope that something will work out. From what I have seen, I need to let certain things take their own course. In the end, nothing will last but we still have to make the best of the things that we still have with us. For example, our family and our closest friends. But more importantly, our sanity needs to be kept in check. If this would help at all to write down, I think patience has done me good. Most people still have a temper in which they cannot seem to control or may find it appearing randomly at times when they wished it hadn't, but maybe they are signs in which you're not truly taking a good care of yourself. For instance, lately I haven't had much sleep at all, and it messed with my head so much that I began to feel depressed suddenly from one small situation, leading me to pitying my entire life and lifestyle. I don't know, just think about it for a bit and see if I am right or wrong.

As for my family, I am getting to know them more and more each and every day that I spend time hanging out with them; I learn so much more than I ever thought I could. I see many things that I lack. I have to accept my faults and make amends to keep learning so that I won't have to make such mundane mistakes again. I just  need more patience for myself in learning how to treat them better as my family; but I also need patience for seeing the results of our good and bad times together.

Anyhow, it was great serving and helping to serve people through blogging. I learned a great deal the past year or so. I wish every one the best. Keep a positive attitude and remember to take care of your mind and body.

God bless you! :)

Mental Block

I know what I want to talk about actually. Everyone has a mental block in which they struggle to free themselves from. If they can't, then they end up succumbing to it.

But how do I figure out what it is that I want to do when each person only confuse me more with all that they have to say? "Don't be lazy," one person says, "but you need to enjoy your life so I don't want for you to work"; "Don't be lazy," says the next person, "and you need to work to get what want in life"....

I can only do so much. I don't want to be one extreme and work like crazy without enjoying my own life; but I don't want to not do anything. It's just...people's messages have been so vague. Everyone has different interests for either themselves for the people that they care about, but still.. I don't quite understand their intentions. I can't even understand myself yet. Dang. REALLY? -___-

There is just so much for me to think about when it comes down to myself. How in the world am I able to think of other people? And yet, I keep doing the opposite thing. It's so easy for me to say, "I can always get back to you later, because right now the person that is on my mind should be tended to first." Where is the frickin' balance?

Happiness....should start with the self, right? But then, without people by your side, can that happiness endure, or will it wither?

I've come to the conclusion, however, that if you really believe in what you're chasing after, then the thing which follows it would be to really act/do/move (anything which will make your beliefs become a reality).

I have been thinking about the friend who is now in the hospital. I really wish that I could cheer him up. I know that I don't really mean much to him, especially since we've only met at least thrice or so. Talked a bit. I have an idea on what I could do for him, but it will take some time before I can make it happen. So far anything that I've done have only been thoughts. It's just that I still have a battle of my own that lies deep inside of me. I still have my mental block. I still hesitate. I still don't believe in myself as much as I should be doing. But I believe in miracles. I believe that God can help my friend. There is a reason why he cannot move his limbs, but he is still able to think. I believe that the mind is a powerful tool. He needs to believe that he can make it through this hardship. He needs to stay strong and continue to be encouraged by family and friends. He needs to believe in himself...because the hardest thing that can ever happen to anyone is becoming immobile and not knowing how to vent out the feelings embedded inside of the heart and mind. The mind must stay positive for some clarity and peace.

As I battle out my own thoughts, I hope and pray that he will too as he lies on that bed.

Everyone, take care of your head; basically, do take care of yourself. And stay strong.

Your Will To Change Lies Deep Inside

Lately, I don't know what to write, or if I should at all...

But anyway, I've just finished playing tetris. I love that game. There's something about it that attracts me, and I can play for a pretty long time if I don't know how to stop myself. I've been thinking, though, that perhaps the reason why I love the game is because there is a bit of a surprise whenever a block begins to fall down, and sometimes you have to be quick on where you would like to place them all. It's like you already know what to expect, since there are only a few number of shapes in which you are very familiar with. Interestingly enough, however, every game turns out different. Some games could take longer than the other; while there are still others which frustrates you and you just want to quit... but that's not the truth. Eventually, you do want another chance. Again, you hit the "start" button. 

All of us are looking for chances--whether it would be second, third, fourth, and even fifth chances in life--and we all need it. If not, then how could we possibly think of changing? It would suck to see everyone and everything around us change, while we only remain where we are with our bad habits and unlikable attitude towards the world. I don't believe that people cannot change, because I just can't. I want to change, and no one can stop me from doing that. I've been unclean for so long. It's time to get better. 

The more time that I spend in school, the more that I learn about my surrounding environment. I couldn't have seen the things that I do now without having been exposed to it in school. I feel that as college students now, it might be the only time to experience all the things that you wish you could as adults. 

The other day, I walked downtown and saw a woman with four children. She is Hispanic, and she has two younger daughters and a son who were all around the ages of seven to ten years old (I'm just estimating); she also has another baby which she carried wrapped around her back with some form of cloth in order to hold onto the baby. The cloth was knotted right in front of her chest and the baby was cramped up inside it from behind. I wonder.. when people look at her and her children, do they pity her? Do they want to even help her? Do they look down on her? Do they laugh inside their heads? Do they disagree? 

Oh yes. They disagree alright. Everyone stares at the woman and her children. She's so noticable. But as I look at her, she hardly cares about what other people think or how they look at her. She doesn't even have the energy to really think (or really notice as I did!) about how other people might view her. But I'm sure everyone has gone through bad situations before, and sometimes we have the majority of the people look down on us with disapproval. But there's something about this situation which makes me think.. 

I met another young man who is a college student at Princeton University studying Biochemistry, I think. He was talking to his group of Christian friends and since I was around, I ended up listening to his story. He inquired help or ways in which he should be approaching other people who taunt the Christian beliefs. The young man feels hurt that he spends most of his time around people who mock his  beliefs, and joke about it--even if they are his friends, and they don't seem to understand or give him much respect. Most people tend to see that science and religion are two separate spheres that do not technically come together and that they should remain separate. Science people look at religion and how it explains the world to be inferior to the "living" proof of fossils for evolution to chemical and technological advances. Then, another person within the group decides to speak up and say that, "Well, Jesus talk to fisherman about fish, and shepherds about sheep...."; what he means is that sometimes we need to use science to explain to man about God and his works. After all, did not God create the universe with his own mighty hands? This makes him the absolute engineer of the universe. A third friend spoke up and says "No, I don't believe that you can use science to talk to man about God--I just can't see that happening". I think I would have to agree with the third person, because even though Jesus was using metaphors to describe Heaven and earth, many people could not understand him--sometimes not even his own disciples--until it was clarified to them. I think that whatever you are good at or specialize well in, use it to help yourself communicate better with other people. After all, you know what you know best. However, when it comes down to teaching others about God and compassion, I feel like talking is doable but it's only a part of what we can do to reach out to others. Something that strikes as important to me is the belief that there is hope for change. I believe in second chances, because I want and am in need of a second chance. Through this, I know that everyone needs it. 

God allows it to be that once you receive the Holy Spirit, or the giver of life, you should allow it to manifest in all of your ways, and in all that you do. In this manner, you can reach people, no matter what race, background, beliefs, territory--it doesn't matter. I'm saying that instead of reaching people by words only, show and maintain it through your works everywhere that you go so that you can keep yourself whole, while allowing others to see that there is hope.

Did you know that we each give each other hope? I personally see my friends, my family, and the people around me to be a design of hope. I think about people in general, because I know that I do see the good and the bad things about life. But those things I cannot control, and the only thing that I can control are my own reactions. 

About the woman with four children, I looked at her and her children. I was deepened with sadness, and I had to look towards the sky. I really couldn't bear to look at the way people viewed each other. I mean, if that was my mom I was looking at, I would want to help her, you know? I can't just neglect the way she is... She's my mom. These children of hers are so young, and they cannot understand, but I feel like she's been blessed with good children. They listen to their mom and they hold hands when she tells them to. I can see the worry on her face as she makes sure that none of them gets left behind, so that they can remain by her side. That's quite a lot of burden to take on oneself. I had to ask her in broken Spanish if she works. She said no. I then asked her if she has a husband, she tells me yes. So I inquired what he worked as. Of course, I couldn't understand much, because my Spanish is pretty limited to a certain amount of vocabulary. But what I gathered was that her husband probably helps to fix the road. Nevertheless, I don't know if anyone can make that great of an income to support a wife and four children. After all, she speaks no English and was waiting at the bus stop near the train station.... I ended up giving her some money and went my way. 

To the friend who is afraid of others' judgments on his beliefs, I wish I could tell him that there is no need to. Everyone judges. I've been trying hard not to judge, but I still find myself doing it. 

Makes me smile, though, because with every mistake, and with every hardship that I go through (and that everyone goes through) I feel like it just brings us closer to God. We just have to allow for it to happen. We have to give ourselves a chance. Every life deserves a chance to break through. Amen.

Wanting the Wanted

It's funny to know that instead of worrying about God forgetting about us, especially in times of trouble, I think it's the other way around where He doesn't want us to forget about Him.

On Easter Day....

Jesus's Resurrection Changes Everything....!

Why? Because if he truly did come back from the dead, then honestly, He's alive!

He's all around us, and will constantly be with us, for death cannot stop Him from reaching to us.

God Is Love

I stayed outside late last night and sort of followed a limping cat. Maybe that was not the greatest idea but I sort of wanted to pick it up to nurture it. So anyway, that's not the point. Point is, I ended up encountering a friend from a classmate, who I've always said "Hi" to but did not know him very well or really at all because I followed the cat. Strange story, I know. I never found the cat anyway.

Basically, he and I traded knowledge. Whatever I learned, I told him. I really did. He also told me some things about himself and his perspectives, too, which I really liked and enjoyed a lot. From me, a great deal of information was thrown at him. I found myself just wanting to let him know about stuff that I think he should know so that he could view things in a different light. He ended up listening to me. You know, it's always great to have people listen to you. Problem is that I used to talk about myself in a way that whenever the conversation ended between me and that person, I would feel guilty afterwards. I think I felt that way because I tended to say things that doesn't seem true or mean very much. I truly felt that I spoke only of the irritations that I was undergoing--problems that no one could solve. I was taking up people's time, and neither me nor that person gained very much afterwards. There was nothing special about what I had to say. Yet, I realize now that I've always had problems with my mind and have tried so especially hard to fix it. I don't have any problems medically besides being allergic to dust or that I might have a heart murmur. Who knows. I don't exercise that frequently--though I know that I should.

Anyway, I started to ask him about his background, because I guess I wanted to see where he was coming from with God and his beliefs on the religion. I find myself doing that because there is no better way to get to know someone or understand God better than talking to his very creation--us and ourselves--the human beings!

He actually gave me hope because when I talked to him, his reactions interested me. I thought that they were interesting because he was so opened to listening. It was great. I've encountered very few people who share the same perspectives as me, and I think he was one of those kinds. We ended up talking for more than an hour and all that we talked of was on God. There apparently is so much to talk about when it comes down to God, and I don't need to feel awkward when I know that that person is listening; many times, we each have some understanding of life versus God which we are so compelled to share with the people around us if only they could save us some time. Lately, I haven't been able to talk to people very much--not in that way--so I was happy I could do so with him.

He tells me that he now know that he loves to talk to people, because he tends to learn a lot from them. I agree. I learned a lot from asking people, and from spending time with them discussing some topics on life. The time that I spend with these people helped me to really get a grip on reality. And even though many times we hear that God is ultimately about love, I know that he is also about knowledge. Without him, I don't think science or nature or life in general would make very much sense. Through him, I can piece things together.

I remember my roommate telling me that "you're trying so hard to figure out yourself and your identity, but I don't think I need to do that. I'm just going with the flow and living life". I didn't really say anything back to her, not in a way that would offend her, because I understand by now that I must respect the choices that she makes. The reason is that each of us are capable of understanding it in our own way--but listening is good, too. Listening helps us to see and test our way of thinking. I find that this is good, because we need to question how we think and inquire where it is that these thoughts all come from. If not, I don't know if we can spiritually or mentally move anywhere or get to greater heights in terms of appreciating life (in generally and the life in which we live) for what it really is.

My choice, however, is to figure out who I am because my all my life, I never knew. I actually don't know very much about myself, because I never gave myself the chance. This is why I must start now. I can't let these things slide past me any further. My motive to finding out who I am through God is so that I can help more people. I'm pretty sure I won't have the time to sit down and talk about God one on one with some random person or friends, but what I mean is that when you help yourself (even if you don't know of God yet), you're really doing your neighbor a favor by taking responsibility. For example, if you had a really noisy neighbor who just parties all the time or simply have a bad attitude towards people, you tend to dislike that person and would not want to trust him or her with anything that you have. Furthermore, you'd probably prefer move (out of town, city, or state!) especially if communication becomes problematic. But it doesn't need to be that way. Each of us need to begin with ourselves. I learned from talking to a professor that we are ones who can control our reactions. Before, of course, I knew that we could. But in the end, I didn't practice it at all, so when he told me that, I looked at him as if he said something so new and original. Controlling your reactions really mean that when someone verbally accuses you or that maybe they don't do something that appeals to you, you don't go and bring them down. No. You just don't. Why? Because that creates more problems, and more unnecessary violence. Trust me, we have enough (or more than enough) and it needs to end. It just has to. Like CandyLand, the piece that symbolizes you must be picked up by you; and God will help you along the way as He will bring the fortune that you so desire.

So yeah, if anything, know that you are forever loved by the Creator. He wants us to renew our minds, and for us to let Him inside of our lives. All that we need to do is invite Him in as our beloved guest into our own cozy home--no matter how disturbing or messy it may be. He doesn't look at us in a way that we tend to look at each other; He doesn't judge us in a way that we judge our friends or families; and He came down to save us--something that we need to consider. He want us to live. After all, isn't that the point in saving a life, or a soul? It may sound far-fetched that each of us means something to God, but I believe that He does love us. And if we really love Him back (just like we would any parent) we need to ourselves. After all, the body in which we dwell come from our parents, and without them, there would be no us.

So keep an open heart and mind. He's right there and is waiting to be called upon. He loves us. :)

Who's Telling You Now?

All I ever want to do was to have someone tell me what to do. Does that make me lazy, and dependent? I'm going to go with a yes and no. There is a difference between real laziness and not wanting to do anything, and for the person to not be able to take any more crap (me and my french...).

Every day that I return to my apartment, I find that I wished I knew what to do next. There are so many choices (since I can think of quite a lot that I should be studying for) but there is so little time during the day. After all, I spend most of my afternoon in class. I shouldn't complain, because my schedule isn't that bad--not as bad as most other people who have to work, or have a lot of night classes or very early morning classes. It's just that some people can handle things better. 

I only know that most people who have a difficult time organizing themselves or being "on top of things" often are affected by their moods of the day. In a sense, you could start off being really happy and immensely ready for the day, but as some unwanted things begin to pop up, it is less likely that you'll feel the same way from whence you started. 

Lately, I've seem to have suppressed my feelings more and more. It's as though I feel like talking but I just don't know about what in particular. I told my mom how I felt (and it was sort of difficult to do so) and she tells me that it's because I'm tired--that I no longer have the energy that I used to. There's a reason for that. It's not a good thing though, but it's not that bad either--at least for me. Of course, I am pained because I feel hopeless and want to cry out, but after every little phase, I get back up again. I have never experienced it like this before, but I am sure there are those who have kept their feelings and opinions to themselves more often than they can express it. I'd like for them to know that it's okay to feel hurt, and that it's okay to sometimes not be heard. But don't overlook it as if there is nothing wrong. After all, I have to keep a steady guard on how I am feeling and what sort of actions I will end up making afterwards. I have to... for my own sake.

I guess I am getting tired. Emotionally I don't know what to do at times, but I know I have to constantly remind myself that I need to keep encouraging myself to work hard. I don't believe that anything can come to you unless you really work hard for it. I mean, God wouldn't want us to be lazy. I feel like to know love, it takes work. God wants us to know His love and to feel it every day by reminding ourselves constantly of it.  Love can only be strengthened through practicing it every day. I understand that it's one of the most precious feelings in existence, because not all people know of it well enough to use it in their daily practices. I know that people who have a heavy dose of jealousy or anger issues probably express this sort of emotion every single day of their lives. I've done it before and I basically practiced it so much that I knew it better than any other feelings--and basically thought that it was the norm. It didn't go away very easily, because these harsh feelings do come back whenever they get the chance to (and the probability is pretty high!). 

I know that these feelings of anger, jealousy, hatred, hurt, pain, grief....etc., have been a part of us for a long time, and have been part of us since birth. All that we can ever do is to keep practicing the life in which we would like to live. It takes work--definitely! There's no doubt that it'll be worth it in the end though. I'm sure most people who worked their butt off studying for an exam and doing well on it afterwards find that their studies really did pay off. There are rewards to all sort of things--no matter how big or small. 

I don't feel good with how I'm doing presently in school, but that's because I allow my thoughts and feelings to affect me. I'll probably have to pray about it. I need some spiritual and emotional strength. I don't want to keep feeling the hopelessness that I have put myself into; I already know it way too well.

Finals are almost coming up. Semester will end soon. No matter how it'll turn out, just continue to try your best. You have to think past all of the difficulties. I can't say enough on how hard it is to overcome.... I just keep thinking that since we have been given a life full of obstacles (and we already know that it is so), we still need to keep trying. 

Try and you will find out. You will gain. :) The cup which started out empty is being filled with the wonders of life. everyday. all day.