Got Greed?

My mom and I were having a really in depth conversation earlier today. I forgot what we started off talking about, but I know what led to it.

I was thinking about how I was treating her boyfriend. I would hardly look at him in the eye most of the time whenever I was around him, and eventually saw the results of my actions. He would not look at me much either. I find that unfortunate. It's like you know what you are doing, but you still are too stubborn to change. Sometimes, I want to resist being nice, because I have a twisted conception of what weakness is. But what the heck? I want people to be nice to me, and for them to look at me in the eyes when they talk. I have a fear of becoming weak in front of any man that my mom or sister brings home. I don't like to feel that any male figures can push whichever women they want around. I have seen my mom looked down upon by other men, and also some of the inconsiderate ways that my father had treated my mom.

I've worked hard to change my perceptions of people for a couple of years now, but there is always something that I still have to keep working hard to change.

So instead of telling my mom what I was really thinking, I asked my mom if she thought that my face was getting better. (I've actually been trying to wash my face better so that I could remove most of the acne scars and bacteria underneath my skin). She told me "Just a little bit." I did not approve. I wanted a positive answer, because I saw my skin dramatically getting better. Unfortunately, my mom and I cannot see eye to eye. Anyway, my mom then told me that something must be bothering me, because I would ask for her opinion but then would want a different answer from the one that she gave.

Ultimately, we ended up talking some more, and I became intrigued with what she said. (My mom is a really interesting woman, and I love talking to her even though she can be hard to listen to sometimes. Nevertheless, I like to learn everything that I can from her.) All of a sudden, I started tell my mom that I wanted to know more than her. It was as if I wanted to compete for intelligence. I think that is why for the longest time I have been so jealous of people who are smarter me, and would have it much easier than I do in learning. People would tell me that I have a kind heart and other nice things, but I would often deny all of that. I never felt "right" describing myself using any of those positive characteristics. I felt more negative traits than more positive ones. Why don't people believe me though? I feel two-faced sometimes. It is not like I try to make myself that way, but I also have a problem of pleasing people to make them feel happy.

My personality is so complex. I still have to keep learning more about myself before I can feel comfortable being with anyone. My family (mother, and two younger sisters) know the kind of person that I am, but I have to say that we still do not know each other all that well. Everyone is always hiding something. Recently, we've been more open with one another, and that helps somewhat.

Back to greed. GREED is in me!!! After my mom told me that I what I have is greed, I was so relieved. I was like, "Mom! You've explained something that I've felt for the longest time!" It was greed. When I was younger, a lot of people put me down. Although the adults in my family did not think that kids can hear what they are saying, they're actually more attentive than actually believed. I wish I didn't have to take in so many of the negative criticisms. Over time, I began to believe all of those lies - that I am really a bad person, and that if I lived any longer, I'd probably do more harm than good. Man, rough times.

She used the comparison between the rich and poor. Many wealthy people do not feel satisfied and oftentimes want more despite already having so much. They would put themselves down, psyching them to believe that they do not have "enough" and that they should/deserve to get more. Similarly, I would put myself down even while I had good grades, friends around me, and a home to go to. I would then tell myself that what I have now is not and will not be enough. In other words, greedy people never feel satisfied. Dang. That is what I feel like most of the time. I never relax even when people tell me to, because I do not feel secure with what I have. This is why I can have a problem with being around people, and also why I want to feel like I can be intellectually brighter than my mom.

Maybe it is easier explained verbally than in writing, but I hope that that parallel will make sense. Overall, it is the playful interaction between feeling satisfied, wants, and needs. I want to get good grades, and I need to do well in order to go to college, but I do not feel satisfied with what I have no matter what I do. So to "balance" this equation, I would want more. My needs seem to be satisfied and now becomes a tug-of-war between wants and feeling satisfied. Despite getting better grades, I still do not feel satisfied. I think that would add up to being greedy. But again, I insisted that I am not good enough mainly because of my past. I did not have anyone who would believe in me, and worse than that is my lack of faith in myself. I resorted to using competitiveness as a way to help myself get back in the race. If you challenged me, I will not back down. It could have been a way of survival. I'm not sure. But I don't think greed will answer all of what I have been through or felt.


Conclusion? Yes, I have one. Although it is easier to discuss a topic between people, we tend to listen to it readily because we are looking for answers. However, answers do not come forth or reveal themselves to you that smoothly like a smoothie. (I think they can come out in chunks, and you would have to dig out the ones that you like best.) Nothing is ever clear. Also, focus on your life, find out what is important to you, ask why, and remember that your life is not just yours along but actually involves many others close to you (and sometimes those you've never met). Life is interesting. I feel like this probably will always be the only conclusion that I can ever come up with, or come close to, in that life is interesting.

I'm learning and re-learning how to appreciate the people around me. I am also learning how to "bother" people and not feel so guilty about it. (Ah, back to those high school days.)

Thanks for the talk once again, Mom!!! Thank you for my mom, God!! I still don't know all of You yet, God, but maybe one day I will get so close to understanding you that I won't have to guess all the time.

From laboratory to farm: a scientist’s visit to the local herb farm | On the Brain

From laboratory to farm: a scientist’s visit to the local herb farm | On the Brain

This is some really awesome stuff that is going on. I wanted to look further into what natural medicine can do for the body. Perhaps this could give me an idea of where I can go in the near future.

Honestly, I am so bad at words. Something crossed my mind today. It had to do with one's worth. I thought about my mom. She's so hardworking that I feel like I'm unrelated to her in so many ways. God, I don't think I know or understand who you are. In this time, I would mistaken you for a God who is too far away for me to talk to, or befriend. I really would like to know You better. I don't want to make my mom or other people around me sad. But I am very difficult.

Be lifted high. Our world be lifted high.

A New Chance with a New Guy?

Dear God,

I really like this guy named Jesse, and I hope that I made the right decision for him to know. I enjoyed the fact that he likes me too. What's more interesting is that it seems like he liked me first. In the beginning, I was really interested in him, because of his appearance. I think that he is a good-looking guy. What is sweet is that he thinks the same about me.

The only problem is that I do not have consistent beliefs about myself. I would see my reflection in the mirror, but sometimes I focus more on the scars than I do on the general exterior surface of my face. I am not comfortable with my skin condition. I suffered too much throughout the years to feel good under my own skin. I want to change that though. In a way, I hope that this guy can help me. I don't want to expect him to, but I am hopeful that meeting someone new could do that.

He's a seriously sweet guy, and I cannot ask for a better guy friend. I still do not know him that well. I do not believe that texting all the time can give us the upper hand of getting to know one another. However, it is still a useful tool for communication. I find myself attracted to him, and often yearning to see or hear from him.

This is where I become a little miserable, because I tend to think about my father. I wonder if I am so obsessive about people that I like due to my desire for feeling wanted. Most of my life, I have felt so rejected by people. They probably do not think about their actions, but it still affects me. I think and tend to overthink a lot. I do not yet know how to control myself. However, I am trying to work with what I have so far.

Honestly, I wanted to know if my feelings for this new guy in my life to be real. I wanted to believe that what I feel is not something that I fantasize. I thought that I could just forget about him, or let him go, but I realize that every time he would text me with his words, I would smile. I like him. I would say that my fondness for him is growing. That makes me happy. I do not know if he is the right guy for me, but he makes me smile. I wish I could keep making him smile and laugh all the time. I'm sure that that it is not realistic, but I only wish that he has happiness in his life.

Our lives are too short to complicate it with dishonesty, distrust, hurt, sadness, hatred, and jealousy. If he is not interested in me anymore, I would have to accept that. I hope that I can. I hope that I will know what to do around him. I tend to complicate things and am still confused. I want to seem strong before him, but it might appear that I am cocky. Then I would switch over to wanting to be silly to reveal my true nature. I am silly by nature! I cannot help that. But I can be overboard with how I talk to people. Still, he tells me that he has patience. I hope his patience will be strong enough for me.

I hope to also learn to be more patient. I do not want to live an unrealistic life. I want to be able to live in the present moment, too.

In any case, I'll continue to focus on myself in order to build myself to be stronger.

Thank you for becoming my friend. Thank you so much for expressing your thoughts and communicating them with me! I feel so happy already to know that you can do that and be open.

Thank you, God, for allowing him to be in my life. I feel so lucky. Maybe he is my second chance at love. Maybe. I don't want to wish too hard, because I would like for you to reveal your plan to me.

Your Daughter,
A-Nam

To Joseph Song

Dear Joseph,

I never got to really know you. I only met you in person. We said hello but that was about it. I never knew what to talk to you about, because I knew your girlfriend more than I did you. Today has been a really sad day having learned that you have passed away. I honestly never know how to respond when people tell me that someone has passed away, and especially someone so young. I cannot believe what I  have heard with my own ears. You're so young! You're actually my age.

Life is quite short, isn't it? We never know when we could be ripped away from our loved ones. At this time, I want to share my thoughts now before I forget how I feel. When I spoke to your girlfriend, I was disturbed. I am concerned for Candice. She loves you. You two were always together and having a good time. Sometimes, I wanted to spend more time with Candice, but you were always around. I'm glad you had more time with her now. I'll do my best to keep her company and help her if she wants it.

Thanks for your smiles and sweetness. I'm certain that you were a wonderful friend, son, and boyfriend.

Take care and keep smiling why don't you. :) I hope to get to know you better one day. I'm glad to have at least met you.

I've copied something from your Facebook page. I hope you won't mind. I think that the poem is beautiful.

"Sweet Dreams is what I get when I think of you

Your pretty eyes glows like the stars

I can even seem them from afar

Your beautiful face shines like the moon

It lights the way and it will never fade

For even when you grow old and saggy

With Skin touching the floor like never before

I will always feel your beauty down to my core

So baby! I promise to love you forevermore."

A New Hair-Cut

Yes. I've received a new hair-cut. It's one that is very similar to the one that I had two years back when things were going rough for me. Funny how it seems like I've gone back in time every time I look in the mirror. Nevertheless, the experience this time is different. Instead of getting mad at my mom for cutting my hair so short, I instead laughed and made many jokes all the while that my hair was being shortened. Meanwhile, as my mom saw the way that I reacted to such a hair-cut, she began to feel guilty and did the best that she could to please me. The thing is that (two years back) I used to feel horribly about who I was and it was my hair--whatever remained on my head--that I could change without doing much physical damage onto myself. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. So, now it is shorter than ever before. I remember how I said that I wouldn't cut it any shorter anymore, and that I would grow it long so that I would donate it. Looks like I will have to re-do that process all over again.

Still, through all of this, I can see that I've grown in a way that shows to both  me and my mom that I do care about my family. Or rather, that I don't care so much about the world and it's perception of me. Of course I still look in the mirror and ask myself how can I make my face look normal, or fitting to my new hairstyle? That probably might not happen, because most likely the majority of the hairstyles that people wear today aren't all that satisfying to me. I don't like my bangs; I've always worn that since I was younger and it's just annoying to have hair covering a part of my face. Long hair is a lot of work, and oftentimes, I don't do very much with it. Girls tend to work with their hair, using straighteners, iron curlers, gels, etc., but I don't know what to do with  my hair. At least, I don't think anything works for me at the moment.

Sometimes, I think that I look like a boy, or seem to show off some masculine features. Maybe it's also because I act in certain ways that do not portray me as a girly type of girl. I don't like being labeled or limited in who I am or can be. First of all, I do not yet understand who I personally am yet. I just know that I am still learning more about myself so it takes time and I need space to make mistakes and to take on various perspectives. This means that I do not appreciate people siding with "this is how you should dress in order to be more feminine". But what if I don't want to be more feminine? What if I've been there and am tired of how obsessive over looks I have to be in order to feel like I will be able to fit in? Then again, being careless like a typical boy is not all that I want either. Nowadays, you can even see boys wear earrings. What does that tell you? I feel like it just shows that we're always trying to find a 'look' which will fit us, or maybe it is a look that will help us to 'fit in' with the crowd.

Well, for me, I don't want to please anyone. I can't possibly please people anyhow with the way that I look now. Therefore, I'm going to go with wearing a cap over my head. I think I will look more tom-boyish, but that doesn't matter now. I have to cover my head most of the time. I don't really like the way my hair sticks up too much, especially after I have taken a shower. Oh wells. It will definitely be a journey, not to mention now that I live on a campus where I actually know more people. I see too many people/familiar faces every day as I walk to class. LOL. It will definitely be entertaining, I think. Let's see what God has in store for me this time. :) Hopefully, I will not succumb to my inner thoughts--that I will be more open-minded--so I can treat my life as an adventure.

Doing Things

I think I am writing maybe sporadically. I want to concentrate and do well on my exam, but I feel distracted at times, because I keep thinking about how I need sleep in order to remember anything. Well, I will sleep perhaps at 3am? -sighs- Then not go to my morning class? >.> Yes, I feel like I would have to skip my morning class if I still want some sleep.... Sighs. This is ridiculous--what I do. After all, I spent my time worrying greatly over physics and not paying enough attention to Cell Bio. I haven't been studying for my mcat either, but I know that studying well for physics should pay off. It just has to. I'm not trying to ignore/avoid anything in particular right now; at times, I just want to be alone. I don't want things to boggle my mind so much where I cannot do anything well or allow for my soul to feel uneasy.

 But whatever, I cannot do anything about the past. The present moment does have much to worry. Future and past does not seem to even matter as much anymore. Everything just seems to blend in.

Where's The Peace?

Anxious, intimidated, uneasy. I don't want to do any more work is how I feel at this point in time, even though I know that I should. It's a burden to know what I'm supposed to be doing at this moment and not really living up to it. I'm pretty sick and tired of feeling so stressed out because of some exam and quizzes. I just want to be able to study and study enough so that I know things and won't have to worry about it so much in the future. It really all depends on what it is that I should be doing right now. I think that I should at least get started on the Cell Bio since it is more of my fear on how I do in that class. I keep thinking about the numbers, when in reality, I have been wanting to give it up so that I won't have to stress the frick out. Really. What is the point of stressing out about numbers? (Seems like my friend, Oliver, has been influencing me a lot. Hm. Well, I don't believe that it's such a bad influence, because he's allowing me to see past the things that I am seeing.

I have to continue to try my best. The reason why I stop? Well, it's because I keep thinking that I don't understand and will never be able to understand so just give up now. I think I'm starting to see what I like and what I do not like. It seems to me that I don't like to remember things only. I want to be able to understand things and see through to it that I can "solve" them. Geez, haha. Medicine is all about memorizing. Of course there is a part of understanding that needs to take place, but man... I just wonder if I can make it through all of that. Well, right now I'm still very much interested in Cell Bio, but Genetics is kicking my behind. This class is like meatballs falling out of the sky. It's all really interesting stuff, but so difficult to visualize. AH!

BLEH. Whatever. Time to go back to studying, I hope. LOL. Yeah..... I just wanted to write that much. Hope the stress has been lifted off just a little bit. Anything would help at this point.

I'm also listening to music. It's kind of distracting. I think I should study without it.

Thoughts

My mind keeps on racing to think about IV. I keep thinking about that organization. It bothers me because I want to do so much for it. But I have a lot of doubts as to whether I can do anything to it--for it. I am discouraged because I don't know who will listen, and I am not sure of whether or not my ideas would help to strengthen IV.

On a random note, I want to go to church tomorrow. But I also want to have time for my studies. I think I will go, even if I show up late. I'll get there on foot. I don't care. I just want to live my life where it means everything between me and God. I've been thinking about Him, and just how it is that I should serve Him. That's pretty much how my life is at this point.

Praise Be Thy Name

Dear God,

You make me humble. I have the tendency to turn away from you through my fears, failures, commitments to worldly views, etc. I feel the need for you to pull me back to where I feel at peace. Lord, God, I am not rested. I have many things which occupy my mind. I have an idea of the sort of person that I would like to become. I want to get there one day. But I feel like I have to let go of many things here. God, your love is bountiful and at its maximum. I feel loved, Lord. Who can give me such great joy? Thank you for what you've done. How can I praise you more, Lord? What can I do to give you praise?

I am going to keep trying my best. I think my wishes and desires should come second. I really would like to see a big community, Lord. One that is all about You. One that will give you joy and delight to know that we love you just as you love us. I live to see that day. I realize that I have put many things first before myself. Yet, I know that my focus should always be on you. Lord, you lead me straight. You love me for who I am. You don't lie about who I am, because you know all my weaknesses and strengths. I pray that you will make me stronger. Lord, I am truly afraid of reverting back to my old self, or even worse, to something that I never wanted to be. Lord, you are everything and all things to me. How can I ever replace you? Nothing on this Earth can ever compare. Lord, I love you. Please be with me forever and always.

Observational

As days pass by I I feel a little bit more settled down. I'm beginning to see the fast changes and movements taking place outside of my own body - nothing that I can stop from happening. Everyone is moving in a certain direction that they themselves do not even know where it is that they're going. Yet, we come together. We touch one another's lives. We give influence. It's interesting to know that those who never thought that they would help people end up making a big difference in someone else's life just by being who they are.

What's been burdening my heart is that I tend to think a lot on my past experiences and it can be so random that I wonder why I ever even thought of it in the first place. Of course, there are times when I think 'Why did I do that?' or 'What difference would that make?' or 'Why did I care?'. But in the end, they merely become memories - ones that can either torture you because you want to keep analyzing or simply become something that had happened.

There will be days when I feel like I'm talking unintelligibly because I just cannot understand and so attempt to think about a perspective but still cannot form a real, meaningful idea. But that is because I do not know or understand. Rather than pose an answer, maybe I should try to pose a question instead; or listen on.

I have a question now. Why do we feel embarrassed or ashamed? Is it because we have done something wrong or said something that is inappropriate? But then again, there are many people these days who say inappropriate things who still are not embarrassed. I need to not worry so much about what I say at times, since I honestly am still inquiring things on my own. I think even through little mistakes of seeing yourself doing 'inappropriate' things, you should recognize why it is that you consider it inappropriate - whether or not believe it is so because of society or simply because you feel that continuing your ways would negatively impact someone. Now it makes me wonder if having a negative image on either parties - yourself or the other person- is worse. I think affecting either or still hurts. When I think a little more about it, when it negatively impacts God, then it has more weight to why you should feel embarrassed. After all, I read in Ecclesiastes how the life that we live here on Earth is meaningless. When I was so confused and was at home for Winter Break with my family, I began to sit down and open up the Bible. I think it answered my confusion. Somehow the idea that life is meaningless has so much meaning to me. It makes me question. Why should I let people's criticisms or even my own affect me so much that it could lead to depression? Why should I care about what people think when in the end, their opinions of what the world is all about eventually turns into dust with them as they age and die anyhow? I will die one day. But today I live. Let us cherish today and not worry so much about the past or the future.

The future was never in our hands. Something that we call 'future' could have always been a 'today' for God.

Completely Enthralled

I'm trying to read an article on Clive Wearing, and I feel anxious. I think it's because I think something may be too long and that I'm not sure if I am capable of understanding what I am reading. But I keep thinking about facebook or some way to vent something out of me. I feel so disturbed that I cannot even read properly or comprehend what it is that I am reading. This is annoying!

I hate that people put money first. I hate that children have to go to through all different types of suffering because their parents think about themselves more. Sacrifices....what does it mean to sacrifice?

OK. Back to the article. Anyway, a really nice conversation was held between Clive and his wife, Deborah. They're a really cute couple together, because though they have difficulties trying to hold onto one another with what they have, they still do so. Basically, this guy cannot remember about his past and has nothing about his present either. So he lives in seclusion every few mins or so, because he cannot recall anything about his life or even when he last woke up; he thinks he is awaken every time he literally cannot remember anything. It's very sad. But he's scared, too, and very confused. I would be scared. He feels like he's dead every time he becomes "awaken" again. It makes me wonder just how interesting life is. I mean, what life really is, or just how incredibly fragile. So fragile. So fragile.. hmm.
Conversation between Clive and Deborah:
 “Have they found life on Mars yet?”
“No, darling, but they think there might have been water . . .”
“Really? Isn’t it amazing that the sun goes on burning? Where does it get all that fuel? It
doesn’t get any smaller. And it doesn’t move. We move round the sun. How can it keep
on burning for millions of years? And the Earth stays the same temperature. It’s so finely
balanced.”

This quote is pretty interesting:

"The hearing of a melody is a hearing with the melody. . . . It is even a condition of
hearing melody that the tone present at the moment should fill consciousness entirely,
that nothing should be remembered, nothing except it or beside it be present in
consciousness. . . . Hearing a melody is hearing, having heard, and being about to hear,
all at once. . . . Every melody declares to us that the past can be there without being
remembered, the future without being foreknown."

The reason why I mention the quote above is because there is something about the way melody is described that I feel that music is connected to God. Either music or rhythm. Something about rhythm indicates life, it breathes out life. Life cannot prosper without something heaving or moving. Action. There is action taking place. Takes place now. Future or past, it is with us presently.

I really want to talk about this:  It is the “now” that bridges the abyss. The guy Clive Wearing does not remember anything and he feels like he's lost in the the abyss. But something obviously pulls him back and awakens him. It is love and music. Love.. his love for his wife allows him to 'continue'. This to me is brilliant and incredibly wonderful. Blessed are those who know love. Blessed are those who can feel again. Blessed is the light in which we wake into. Blessed are those who can continue.

I don't know why, but Clive's story intrigues me so much. There is something about what he's going through that summons a belief that it out of a human being's capacity to understand. God are you there? Where are you?

I know that I'm rambling. Jumping from word to word. Thinking. This is crazy.

Here is the entire paragraph from which I took the 'now' quote from:
It has been twenty years since Clive’s illness, and, for him, nothing has moved on. One
might say he is still in 1985 or, given his retrograde amnesia, in 1965. In some ways, he
is not anywhere at all; he has dropped out of space and time altogether. He no longer has
any inner narrative; he is not leading a life in the sense that the rest of us do. And yet one
has only to see him at the keyboard or with Deborah to feel that, at such times, he is
himself again and wholly alive. It is not the remembrance of things past, the “once” that
Clive yearns for, or can ever achieve. It is the claiming, the filling, of the present, the
now, and this is only possible when he is totally immersed in the successive moments of
an act. It is the “now” that bridges the abyss.

Is everyone here on Earth struggling to find a continuum as we all speak? Apparently a lot of people on this earth do, since they try to make up their own reasons for why they are living. Our culture fills us with material things, and I do not need to explain this to anyone, because I know that everyone is using something to make their lives easier. We have technology. We want to continue.... right? I  mean, we must want to or else we would not dare to stop eating/finding food, dressing ourselves the way that we want to for warmth or style, finding/meeting people so that we don't feel so along.....etc.

I don't know why, but I'm enthralled.

Stressed for finals.

I'm stressed. Really stressed. I don't know how else to express it because I feel like I'm on my own. What if I could imagine everyone studying along side with me? I would still feel alone because we're all trying to get our own individual grades and how we perform on the exams will detail how we do overall in the class. Yeah, I admit it. I am scared. God, you are first and will always be first in my life. For me to know what your plans are for me, I must try my best to do well. I cannot and should not slack. That's all. God, I give you control. Please bless me at this time to complete and do well and learn things with my work. Thank you. Amen.

Let Me Vent

I feel very uneasy. Let me vent.

I want to study for my neurobio exam by going over the lecture notes as many times as possible for the exam starts next Wednesday. I am not too concerned, because I know that I still have some time to study for it. Then, I keep thinking about other classes and how my incomplete work for Spanish and Physics will somewhat deter my focus and energy into what I am supposed to be doing now - that is, studying for neurobio.

I think my forebrain is huge. It feels blocked often. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because I do not want to think or something. Anyway, I keep thinking about the group and people like Oliver, Kevin and Matt. They're the three guys that I feel like I can trust. They're really something - all of them. I want to make time for them, the group, and basically, for God.

Today has been most interesting. I woke up early at 7 AM just to write my 12-paged paper. Not to mention, I slept around 3 AM. NICE, huh. Well, today was also the Christmas Dinner for IV and I chose not to go because I wanted to keep doing work. I have already spent so much time doing other things, and I do know my limits. I'm not suppose to keep my mind constantly occupied with things. I want to relax and feel like I can get something accomplished.

Yes, God has put me on this Earth to do something. I do believe that I have a purpose on this Earth. I believe that I am here to help people find themselves and get closer to God. I cannot do that without knowing and understanding myself first. I'm so totally amazed with the people of IV. They have shown me a kind of gentleness that I don't usually see from people; and a willingness to love others for who they are. I'm glad. Truly glad. Thank you, God for a blessed environment such as Rutgers, full of people and diversity. We have a community here but we need to take advantage of all its goodness. Lord, I began to understand that after my first year of college. I could see that there was just so many opportunities available, and it was up to me to keep an open mind.

Lord, I want to be an inspiration to people and to myself. I want to be a person who encourages. I want to be able to speak with the Holy Spirit guiding my tongue. I tend to blabber on a lot about different things. I hope that one day I will feel like I can really fit in somewhere. At least, to have a place so that I do not keep on looking for another place. I think I want to be found by now. Lord, find me once again. I am sorry that I have turned away from you through my evil, hypocritical thoughts and sins.

You have died on the cross. Why is it that when something is repeated it becomes old? Should it become old? I mean we're suppose to feel replenished in hearing something so wonderful, right? Jesus DIED for us. What's not BIG about that? I think it also has to do with the way that I feel. When I tend to talk too much about my personal ongoing issues to other people. I hear myself as being redundant and then I think that I'm complaining. But am I? What does it mean to complain? I am grateful, though, for the things that I have and more. I think the way that I feel about something being redundant is because of what society teaches us - that we're always suppose to go after anything that is new, big, bold, colorful, expensive, etc. Yes, we're taught a lot of things, but it's up to us to filter out the bad from the good. I know now that God is good, and so I must filter out everything else that is not Him.

I must love Him by placing Him first in my life. It is a challenge, but why should it stop us? Every day has always been a challenge and has been since the start. Don't stop now. Keep on reaching out.

O Holy One

Holy One

How empty I feel. But how motivated I am to fill up this emptiness through "doing something".

You lift me up,
Holy One
Holy One

Dear Lord,
I won't give up. But I still need assistance. You know more than I do what it is that I want. I can make things up as I go, but to act upon how I feel I would like to open my mouth more to create, just like how I can use my hands to create. It's strange though how I keep imagining myself sitting down and writing (or is it drawing) whenever I feel like I should be alone or overwhelmed. There's something relieving about using my hands. I need to figure out what that means though, because I'm not sure if I understand it yet.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that "What if you tried to put God first in all that you do, but fill up the 'extra time' that you have to do 'other things,' such as homework or time for classes". I don't think I understand that too well. I think that if I did, I would have maintained the Sabbath. It's weird how I want to do good, but have hesitated so frequently that I've become nothing more than a hypocrite. Maybe that is a strong fear of mine, that people will come to think that I'm only a fake, a hypocrite, a liar - that I cannot say anything and perform them as readily.

I said that I wanted a community, but I am pushing people away. I think I push them away because I am also afraid of losing what I have gained so far. Therefore, I do know what it is that I have and the abundance of opportunities that have been granted to me. It's just...can I manage? Man. God seriously blessed me. But I have been so wildly confused that I keep questioning Him and all that is good.

How is it that I have come to question the thing that I wanted to be so much a part of? I want to be around good Christians who keep their faith, make friendships with a variety of people, and even accept various people for who they are. I care for people. Yet, I am somewhat prideful. I think I have pride. Interestingly enough, I do not have so much confidence. Maybe I'm beginning to see what it means to be prideful. A lot of people saw my humbleness before. I think what they saw was me creating for myself a sense of worthlessness that appeared humble. Or maybe I'm thinking too negatively again. What does it mean to be humble? How can I become more aware of the difference between being prideful and confident? I must continue to work on this.

Lord, I have gained so much freedom because I see when I am judging someone else. Yes, it is still there, but it has become much easier to change a situation by soothing out complicated feelings. Lord, you are all that is good. I must believe. I must continue to cherish You for who You are. Lord, thank You. I apologize for turning away from you. I think that I am still standing on sand at the moment with a few rocky pebbles underneath me to help support me from sinking. However, I would like to stand on stone, become firm in my thoughts and understanding, so that I do not roll and wash away like the ocean waves. I want to soar. Hmm, that's a nice thought. It is.

1pm

I still daydream. I think it has helped me to get back to where I need to be. I think that my purpose somewhere in life is to keep being a "kid" so that I can reach out to more people. Yes, I am still somewhat timid, but because of my sense of awareness, I tend to contradict who I actually am. I think that the reason why I'm almost always confused is because I would side one way at a certain moment in time and then change it to something else entirely new. Yeah, I am strange. But I think that that is okay, too.

I was actually thinking about how inside of myself, I can imagine myself being a little kid who is crying out to her daddy to love her, but because he does not really react in a loving way in reality, I think that this is where I have become numb to "feelings". I have been asking a lot of people about love, and God's love for me. I have also asked about faith through keeping the Sabbaths. But I think no matter how many times I try to ask or understand, I feel like I cannot understand. My questions are not right. There is something missing...

Thinking for myself is something that I need to keep working on. But I believe that I need to speak up more so that I do not offend anyone. I have constantly been afraid of getting on the wrong foot, but that has put me on the more reserved side. I am so aware that it drives me crazy.

What is weird is that I have become less in thought. I think that it is good that I do not think so much anymore, but I have had many blank moments where I just do not know what to say or forget so frequently that I make myself mad. It wasn't always like this for me. God, there are so many possibilities of change. May you teach me what change is right for me. I am in control of only my actions, and I think that that is it. I think that's a good thing, though, because at least I have more of a responsibility and hold onto the meaning of this sense of power you have granted to me.

It Rained A Lot Today

Something that I would like to do is to get my work done first of all. I have a group presentation tomorrow on Occupy Wall Street. I think I am pretty excited for that. I really like my group. They're really nice people and I have enjoyed working with them. I have to keep learning and reminding myself not to judge another person. I know that I have some stereotypical influences about me and I would look at a person a specific way, but I'm going to have to learn how to stop doing that.

But yeah, tonight is the night to get a lot of things done! I would like to be productive and to stop fidgeting so much. Silence is much needed in my life. The more I think about other things, though, I will become more distracted. I hope to get past these thoughts of mine. Thank you, Lord, for providing for me. Thank you, for believing in me. I'm thrilled to have you as my Heavenly Father--my one and only.

Where Does My Confidence Lie?

3 weeks left before final exams are over and I can go home for Winter Break. 3 weeks left before I can say that "I have nothing to do". 3 weeks before torture... 

I mean why say until 3 weeks will I have to face my torture of examinations? I already am torturing myself at the moment with the way that I feel. I have had some set-backs that is making me question all that I've been doing. For example, I did so horribly on my group project for Spanish class that I'm not sure what to expect as a grade from that class anymore. I'm afraid that I have shoved away all the opportunities by not studying enough. My mind always inquires "how should I be studying?" when, really, I've done more questioning than trying to do the work itself. I realize that I have been too care-free with my time. I talk so blatantly to people about things that I feel like will not really help me or anyone else. I'm always thinking about other people, or if not that then about immoral things. I should try to control that part of myself more often. It's weird that when I think about these things do I begin to think about my father, whom I still call "father". I wonder if he deserves this title still or at all? I guess everyone deserves something, but deserving means that the person must have done something so great that it would be hard to say no to them. I don't think he deserves to see my family. He doesn't deserve very much because he doesn't seem to want to change. 

Anyway, I've seriously been going to too many Christian-related events. I feel overwhelmed because of it. Sometimes, I'm not even sure what I'm doing. Maybe I should start saying, "Yes, I am sure". In this way, I could have more confidence in what it is that I end up doing. Having a social life is necessary but there needs to be a limit in how much I should be around people. I don't always feel very comfortable. Sometimes, I don't even like being around people and just want to be left alone. 

There have been times when I wish I could concentrate better on my own without relying so much on people. I seem to say yes to too many things, and I end up kind of regretting it. Like yesterday, I ended up staying over to a friend's place, because I thought that I could study there much more easily with people. That didn't work out though. I should start to learn that no one is ever going to look out for me; I need to do this on my own and learn this now. 

I need to say "Yes" to more of my school work than to the events "out there". YES, I am confident in what I do. YES, I can get a good grade as long as I study and put a lot of time and effort into it. YES, I WILL overcome and no one or anything can stop me from getting what it is that I deserve. I am important enough to do things my way without having to fear constantly other people's feelings and what it is that they might think. I don't want to stay cooped up in fear. It is unfair for me. 

Dear God, please let me not take anything for granted, even the schoolwork and all that I have to learn at this moment in time. I don't want to destroy the opportunity presented to me as a college student. I want to include a lot of things in my life, but Lord, please show to me the things that I need when I need it most for I am dependent on your wisdom. I am still a child. But I yearn to keep going and learn under your Grace. Thank you, God.

My Final Good-Byes.

I don't think I can write in this blog anymore. All that I have managed to share here will remain. It just seems to me that the more that I try too hard to do something, the worse that something will become. Essentially, I don't want to push myself into doing anything that I know I cannot do anymore--which is writing in this blog. It doesn't suit me to do it anymore. Perhaps this is just another phase of life for me. It was a good experience having written out my feelings, thoughts, and desires; and most of them came from sad but also my hopeful self. Well, whatever I learned, I know that I will never be alone in any situation. And if I ever find myself thinking too much--or wayy much more than my brain can handle--then I know I should chillax and let the little things go.

I feel like this is a time to let things settle down and not force everything all at once in hope that something will work out. From what I have seen, I need to let certain things take their own course. In the end, nothing will last but we still have to make the best of the things that we still have with us. For example, our family and our closest friends. But more importantly, our sanity needs to be kept in check. If this would help at all to write down, I think patience has done me good. Most people still have a temper in which they cannot seem to control or may find it appearing randomly at times when they wished it hadn't, but maybe they are signs in which you're not truly taking a good care of yourself. For instance, lately I haven't had much sleep at all, and it messed with my head so much that I began to feel depressed suddenly from one small situation, leading me to pitying my entire life and lifestyle. I don't know, just think about it for a bit and see if I am right or wrong.

As for my family, I am getting to know them more and more each and every day that I spend time hanging out with them; I learn so much more than I ever thought I could. I see many things that I lack. I have to accept my faults and make amends to keep learning so that I won't have to make such mundane mistakes again. I just  need more patience for myself in learning how to treat them better as my family; but I also need patience for seeing the results of our good and bad times together.

Anyhow, it was great serving and helping to serve people through blogging. I learned a great deal the past year or so. I wish every one the best. Keep a positive attitude and remember to take care of your mind and body.

God bless you! :)

Mental Block

I know what I want to talk about actually. Everyone has a mental block in which they struggle to free themselves from. If they can't, then they end up succumbing to it.

But how do I figure out what it is that I want to do when each person only confuse me more with all that they have to say? "Don't be lazy," one person says, "but you need to enjoy your life so I don't want for you to work"; "Don't be lazy," says the next person, "and you need to work to get what want in life"....

I can only do so much. I don't want to be one extreme and work like crazy without enjoying my own life; but I don't want to not do anything. It's just...people's messages have been so vague. Everyone has different interests for either themselves for the people that they care about, but still.. I don't quite understand their intentions. I can't even understand myself yet. Dang. REALLY? -___-

There is just so much for me to think about when it comes down to myself. How in the world am I able to think of other people? And yet, I keep doing the opposite thing. It's so easy for me to say, "I can always get back to you later, because right now the person that is on my mind should be tended to first." Where is the frickin' balance?

Happiness....should start with the self, right? But then, without people by your side, can that happiness endure, or will it wither?

I've come to the conclusion, however, that if you really believe in what you're chasing after, then the thing which follows it would be to really act/do/move (anything which will make your beliefs become a reality).

I have been thinking about the friend who is now in the hospital. I really wish that I could cheer him up. I know that I don't really mean much to him, especially since we've only met at least thrice or so. Talked a bit. I have an idea on what I could do for him, but it will take some time before I can make it happen. So far anything that I've done have only been thoughts. It's just that I still have a battle of my own that lies deep inside of me. I still have my mental block. I still hesitate. I still don't believe in myself as much as I should be doing. But I believe in miracles. I believe that God can help my friend. There is a reason why he cannot move his limbs, but he is still able to think. I believe that the mind is a powerful tool. He needs to believe that he can make it through this hardship. He needs to stay strong and continue to be encouraged by family and friends. He needs to believe in himself...because the hardest thing that can ever happen to anyone is becoming immobile and not knowing how to vent out the feelings embedded inside of the heart and mind. The mind must stay positive for some clarity and peace.

As I battle out my own thoughts, I hope and pray that he will too as he lies on that bed.

Everyone, take care of your head; basically, do take care of yourself. And stay strong.

Your Will To Change Lies Deep Inside

Lately, I don't know what to write, or if I should at all...

But anyway, I've just finished playing tetris. I love that game. There's something about it that attracts me, and I can play for a pretty long time if I don't know how to stop myself. I've been thinking, though, that perhaps the reason why I love the game is because there is a bit of a surprise whenever a block begins to fall down, and sometimes you have to be quick on where you would like to place them all. It's like you already know what to expect, since there are only a few number of shapes in which you are very familiar with. Interestingly enough, however, every game turns out different. Some games could take longer than the other; while there are still others which frustrates you and you just want to quit... but that's not the truth. Eventually, you do want another chance. Again, you hit the "start" button. 

All of us are looking for chances--whether it would be second, third, fourth, and even fifth chances in life--and we all need it. If not, then how could we possibly think of changing? It would suck to see everyone and everything around us change, while we only remain where we are with our bad habits and unlikable attitude towards the world. I don't believe that people cannot change, because I just can't. I want to change, and no one can stop me from doing that. I've been unclean for so long. It's time to get better. 

The more time that I spend in school, the more that I learn about my surrounding environment. I couldn't have seen the things that I do now without having been exposed to it in school. I feel that as college students now, it might be the only time to experience all the things that you wish you could as adults. 

The other day, I walked downtown and saw a woman with four children. She is Hispanic, and she has two younger daughters and a son who were all around the ages of seven to ten years old (I'm just estimating); she also has another baby which she carried wrapped around her back with some form of cloth in order to hold onto the baby. The cloth was knotted right in front of her chest and the baby was cramped up inside it from behind. I wonder.. when people look at her and her children, do they pity her? Do they want to even help her? Do they look down on her? Do they laugh inside their heads? Do they disagree? 

Oh yes. They disagree alright. Everyone stares at the woman and her children. She's so noticable. But as I look at her, she hardly cares about what other people think or how they look at her. She doesn't even have the energy to really think (or really notice as I did!) about how other people might view her. But I'm sure everyone has gone through bad situations before, and sometimes we have the majority of the people look down on us with disapproval. But there's something about this situation which makes me think.. 

I met another young man who is a college student at Princeton University studying Biochemistry, I think. He was talking to his group of Christian friends and since I was around, I ended up listening to his story. He inquired help or ways in which he should be approaching other people who taunt the Christian beliefs. The young man feels hurt that he spends most of his time around people who mock his  beliefs, and joke about it--even if they are his friends, and they don't seem to understand or give him much respect. Most people tend to see that science and religion are two separate spheres that do not technically come together and that they should remain separate. Science people look at religion and how it explains the world to be inferior to the "living" proof of fossils for evolution to chemical and technological advances. Then, another person within the group decides to speak up and say that, "Well, Jesus talk to fisherman about fish, and shepherds about sheep...."; what he means is that sometimes we need to use science to explain to man about God and his works. After all, did not God create the universe with his own mighty hands? This makes him the absolute engineer of the universe. A third friend spoke up and says "No, I don't believe that you can use science to talk to man about God--I just can't see that happening". I think I would have to agree with the third person, because even though Jesus was using metaphors to describe Heaven and earth, many people could not understand him--sometimes not even his own disciples--until it was clarified to them. I think that whatever you are good at or specialize well in, use it to help yourself communicate better with other people. After all, you know what you know best. However, when it comes down to teaching others about God and compassion, I feel like talking is doable but it's only a part of what we can do to reach out to others. Something that strikes as important to me is the belief that there is hope for change. I believe in second chances, because I want and am in need of a second chance. Through this, I know that everyone needs it. 

God allows it to be that once you receive the Holy Spirit, or the giver of life, you should allow it to manifest in all of your ways, and in all that you do. In this manner, you can reach people, no matter what race, background, beliefs, territory--it doesn't matter. I'm saying that instead of reaching people by words only, show and maintain it through your works everywhere that you go so that you can keep yourself whole, while allowing others to see that there is hope.

Did you know that we each give each other hope? I personally see my friends, my family, and the people around me to be a design of hope. I think about people in general, because I know that I do see the good and the bad things about life. But those things I cannot control, and the only thing that I can control are my own reactions. 

About the woman with four children, I looked at her and her children. I was deepened with sadness, and I had to look towards the sky. I really couldn't bear to look at the way people viewed each other. I mean, if that was my mom I was looking at, I would want to help her, you know? I can't just neglect the way she is... She's my mom. These children of hers are so young, and they cannot understand, but I feel like she's been blessed with good children. They listen to their mom and they hold hands when she tells them to. I can see the worry on her face as she makes sure that none of them gets left behind, so that they can remain by her side. That's quite a lot of burden to take on oneself. I had to ask her in broken Spanish if she works. She said no. I then asked her if she has a husband, she tells me yes. So I inquired what he worked as. Of course, I couldn't understand much, because my Spanish is pretty limited to a certain amount of vocabulary. But what I gathered was that her husband probably helps to fix the road. Nevertheless, I don't know if anyone can make that great of an income to support a wife and four children. After all, she speaks no English and was waiting at the bus stop near the train station.... I ended up giving her some money and went my way. 

To the friend who is afraid of others' judgments on his beliefs, I wish I could tell him that there is no need to. Everyone judges. I've been trying hard not to judge, but I still find myself doing it. 

Makes me smile, though, because with every mistake, and with every hardship that I go through (and that everyone goes through) I feel like it just brings us closer to God. We just have to allow for it to happen. We have to give ourselves a chance. Every life deserves a chance to break through. Amen.