Where's The Peace?

Anxious, intimidated, uneasy. I don't want to do any more work is how I feel at this point in time, even though I know that I should. It's a burden to know what I'm supposed to be doing at this moment and not really living up to it. I'm pretty sick and tired of feeling so stressed out because of some exam and quizzes. I just want to be able to study and study enough so that I know things and won't have to worry about it so much in the future. It really all depends on what it is that I should be doing right now. I think that I should at least get started on the Cell Bio since it is more of my fear on how I do in that class. I keep thinking about the numbers, when in reality, I have been wanting to give it up so that I won't have to stress the frick out. Really. What is the point of stressing out about numbers? (Seems like my friend, Oliver, has been influencing me a lot. Hm. Well, I don't believe that it's such a bad influence, because he's allowing me to see past the things that I am seeing.

I have to continue to try my best. The reason why I stop? Well, it's because I keep thinking that I don't understand and will never be able to understand so just give up now. I think I'm starting to see what I like and what I do not like. It seems to me that I don't like to remember things only. I want to be able to understand things and see through to it that I can "solve" them. Geez, haha. Medicine is all about memorizing. Of course there is a part of understanding that needs to take place, but man... I just wonder if I can make it through all of that. Well, right now I'm still very much interested in Cell Bio, but Genetics is kicking my behind. This class is like meatballs falling out of the sky. It's all really interesting stuff, but so difficult to visualize. AH!

BLEH. Whatever. Time to go back to studying, I hope. LOL. Yeah..... I just wanted to write that much. Hope the stress has been lifted off just a little bit. Anything would help at this point.

I'm also listening to music. It's kind of distracting. I think I should study without it.

Thoughts

My mind keeps on racing to think about IV. I keep thinking about that organization. It bothers me because I want to do so much for it. But I have a lot of doubts as to whether I can do anything to it--for it. I am discouraged because I don't know who will listen, and I am not sure of whether or not my ideas would help to strengthen IV.

On a random note, I want to go to church tomorrow. But I also want to have time for my studies. I think I will go, even if I show up late. I'll get there on foot. I don't care. I just want to live my life where it means everything between me and God. I've been thinking about Him, and just how it is that I should serve Him. That's pretty much how my life is at this point.

Praise Be Thy Name

Dear God,

You make me humble. I have the tendency to turn away from you through my fears, failures, commitments to worldly views, etc. I feel the need for you to pull me back to where I feel at peace. Lord, God, I am not rested. I have many things which occupy my mind. I have an idea of the sort of person that I would like to become. I want to get there one day. But I feel like I have to let go of many things here. God, your love is bountiful and at its maximum. I feel loved, Lord. Who can give me such great joy? Thank you for what you've done. How can I praise you more, Lord? What can I do to give you praise?

I am going to keep trying my best. I think my wishes and desires should come second. I really would like to see a big community, Lord. One that is all about You. One that will give you joy and delight to know that we love you just as you love us. I live to see that day. I realize that I have put many things first before myself. Yet, I know that my focus should always be on you. Lord, you lead me straight. You love me for who I am. You don't lie about who I am, because you know all my weaknesses and strengths. I pray that you will make me stronger. Lord, I am truly afraid of reverting back to my old self, or even worse, to something that I never wanted to be. Lord, you are everything and all things to me. How can I ever replace you? Nothing on this Earth can ever compare. Lord, I love you. Please be with me forever and always.

Observational

As days pass by I I feel a little bit more settled down. I'm beginning to see the fast changes and movements taking place outside of my own body - nothing that I can stop from happening. Everyone is moving in a certain direction that they themselves do not even know where it is that they're going. Yet, we come together. We touch one another's lives. We give influence. It's interesting to know that those who never thought that they would help people end up making a big difference in someone else's life just by being who they are.

What's been burdening my heart is that I tend to think a lot on my past experiences and it can be so random that I wonder why I ever even thought of it in the first place. Of course, there are times when I think 'Why did I do that?' or 'What difference would that make?' or 'Why did I care?'. But in the end, they merely become memories - ones that can either torture you because you want to keep analyzing or simply become something that had happened.

There will be days when I feel like I'm talking unintelligibly because I just cannot understand and so attempt to think about a perspective but still cannot form a real, meaningful idea. But that is because I do not know or understand. Rather than pose an answer, maybe I should try to pose a question instead; or listen on.

I have a question now. Why do we feel embarrassed or ashamed? Is it because we have done something wrong or said something that is inappropriate? But then again, there are many people these days who say inappropriate things who still are not embarrassed. I need to not worry so much about what I say at times, since I honestly am still inquiring things on my own. I think even through little mistakes of seeing yourself doing 'inappropriate' things, you should recognize why it is that you consider it inappropriate - whether or not believe it is so because of society or simply because you feel that continuing your ways would negatively impact someone. Now it makes me wonder if having a negative image on either parties - yourself or the other person- is worse. I think affecting either or still hurts. When I think a little more about it, when it negatively impacts God, then it has more weight to why you should feel embarrassed. After all, I read in Ecclesiastes how the life that we live here on Earth is meaningless. When I was so confused and was at home for Winter Break with my family, I began to sit down and open up the Bible. I think it answered my confusion. Somehow the idea that life is meaningless has so much meaning to me. It makes me question. Why should I let people's criticisms or even my own affect me so much that it could lead to depression? Why should I care about what people think when in the end, their opinions of what the world is all about eventually turns into dust with them as they age and die anyhow? I will die one day. But today I live. Let us cherish today and not worry so much about the past or the future.

The future was never in our hands. Something that we call 'future' could have always been a 'today' for God.

Completely Enthralled

I'm trying to read an article on Clive Wearing, and I feel anxious. I think it's because I think something may be too long and that I'm not sure if I am capable of understanding what I am reading. But I keep thinking about facebook or some way to vent something out of me. I feel so disturbed that I cannot even read properly or comprehend what it is that I am reading. This is annoying!

I hate that people put money first. I hate that children have to go to through all different types of suffering because their parents think about themselves more. Sacrifices....what does it mean to sacrifice?

OK. Back to the article. Anyway, a really nice conversation was held between Clive and his wife, Deborah. They're a really cute couple together, because though they have difficulties trying to hold onto one another with what they have, they still do so. Basically, this guy cannot remember about his past and has nothing about his present either. So he lives in seclusion every few mins or so, because he cannot recall anything about his life or even when he last woke up; he thinks he is awaken every time he literally cannot remember anything. It's very sad. But he's scared, too, and very confused. I would be scared. He feels like he's dead every time he becomes "awaken" again. It makes me wonder just how interesting life is. I mean, what life really is, or just how incredibly fragile. So fragile. So fragile.. hmm.
Conversation between Clive and Deborah:
 “Have they found life on Mars yet?”
“No, darling, but they think there might have been water . . .”
“Really? Isn’t it amazing that the sun goes on burning? Where does it get all that fuel? It
doesn’t get any smaller. And it doesn’t move. We move round the sun. How can it keep
on burning for millions of years? And the Earth stays the same temperature. It’s so finely
balanced.”

This quote is pretty interesting:

"The hearing of a melody is a hearing with the melody. . . . It is even a condition of
hearing melody that the tone present at the moment should fill consciousness entirely,
that nothing should be remembered, nothing except it or beside it be present in
consciousness. . . . Hearing a melody is hearing, having heard, and being about to hear,
all at once. . . . Every melody declares to us that the past can be there without being
remembered, the future without being foreknown."

The reason why I mention the quote above is because there is something about the way melody is described that I feel that music is connected to God. Either music or rhythm. Something about rhythm indicates life, it breathes out life. Life cannot prosper without something heaving or moving. Action. There is action taking place. Takes place now. Future or past, it is with us presently.

I really want to talk about this:  It is the “now” that bridges the abyss. The guy Clive Wearing does not remember anything and he feels like he's lost in the the abyss. But something obviously pulls him back and awakens him. It is love and music. Love.. his love for his wife allows him to 'continue'. This to me is brilliant and incredibly wonderful. Blessed are those who know love. Blessed are those who can feel again. Blessed is the light in which we wake into. Blessed are those who can continue.

I don't know why, but Clive's story intrigues me so much. There is something about what he's going through that summons a belief that it out of a human being's capacity to understand. God are you there? Where are you?

I know that I'm rambling. Jumping from word to word. Thinking. This is crazy.

Here is the entire paragraph from which I took the 'now' quote from:
It has been twenty years since Clive’s illness, and, for him, nothing has moved on. One
might say he is still in 1985 or, given his retrograde amnesia, in 1965. In some ways, he
is not anywhere at all; he has dropped out of space and time altogether. He no longer has
any inner narrative; he is not leading a life in the sense that the rest of us do. And yet one
has only to see him at the keyboard or with Deborah to feel that, at such times, he is
himself again and wholly alive. It is not the remembrance of things past, the “once” that
Clive yearns for, or can ever achieve. It is the claiming, the filling, of the present, the
now, and this is only possible when he is totally immersed in the successive moments of
an act. It is the “now” that bridges the abyss.

Is everyone here on Earth struggling to find a continuum as we all speak? Apparently a lot of people on this earth do, since they try to make up their own reasons for why they are living. Our culture fills us with material things, and I do not need to explain this to anyone, because I know that everyone is using something to make their lives easier. We have technology. We want to continue.... right? I  mean, we must want to or else we would not dare to stop eating/finding food, dressing ourselves the way that we want to for warmth or style, finding/meeting people so that we don't feel so along.....etc.

I don't know why, but I'm enthralled.

Stressed for finals.

I'm stressed. Really stressed. I don't know how else to express it because I feel like I'm on my own. What if I could imagine everyone studying along side with me? I would still feel alone because we're all trying to get our own individual grades and how we perform on the exams will detail how we do overall in the class. Yeah, I admit it. I am scared. God, you are first and will always be first in my life. For me to know what your plans are for me, I must try my best to do well. I cannot and should not slack. That's all. God, I give you control. Please bless me at this time to complete and do well and learn things with my work. Thank you. Amen.

Let Me Vent

I feel very uneasy. Let me vent.

I want to study for my neurobio exam by going over the lecture notes as many times as possible for the exam starts next Wednesday. I am not too concerned, because I know that I still have some time to study for it. Then, I keep thinking about other classes and how my incomplete work for Spanish and Physics will somewhat deter my focus and energy into what I am supposed to be doing now - that is, studying for neurobio.

I think my forebrain is huge. It feels blocked often. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because I do not want to think or something. Anyway, I keep thinking about the group and people like Oliver, Kevin and Matt. They're the three guys that I feel like I can trust. They're really something - all of them. I want to make time for them, the group, and basically, for God.

Today has been most interesting. I woke up early at 7 AM just to write my 12-paged paper. Not to mention, I slept around 3 AM. NICE, huh. Well, today was also the Christmas Dinner for IV and I chose not to go because I wanted to keep doing work. I have already spent so much time doing other things, and I do know my limits. I'm not suppose to keep my mind constantly occupied with things. I want to relax and feel like I can get something accomplished.

Yes, God has put me on this Earth to do something. I do believe that I have a purpose on this Earth. I believe that I am here to help people find themselves and get closer to God. I cannot do that without knowing and understanding myself first. I'm so totally amazed with the people of IV. They have shown me a kind of gentleness that I don't usually see from people; and a willingness to love others for who they are. I'm glad. Truly glad. Thank you, God for a blessed environment such as Rutgers, full of people and diversity. We have a community here but we need to take advantage of all its goodness. Lord, I began to understand that after my first year of college. I could see that there was just so many opportunities available, and it was up to me to keep an open mind.

Lord, I want to be an inspiration to people and to myself. I want to be a person who encourages. I want to be able to speak with the Holy Spirit guiding my tongue. I tend to blabber on a lot about different things. I hope that one day I will feel like I can really fit in somewhere. At least, to have a place so that I do not keep on looking for another place. I think I want to be found by now. Lord, find me once again. I am sorry that I have turned away from you through my evil, hypocritical thoughts and sins.

You have died on the cross. Why is it that when something is repeated it becomes old? Should it become old? I mean we're suppose to feel replenished in hearing something so wonderful, right? Jesus DIED for us. What's not BIG about that? I think it also has to do with the way that I feel. When I tend to talk too much about my personal ongoing issues to other people. I hear myself as being redundant and then I think that I'm complaining. But am I? What does it mean to complain? I am grateful, though, for the things that I have and more. I think the way that I feel about something being redundant is because of what society teaches us - that we're always suppose to go after anything that is new, big, bold, colorful, expensive, etc. Yes, we're taught a lot of things, but it's up to us to filter out the bad from the good. I know now that God is good, and so I must filter out everything else that is not Him.

I must love Him by placing Him first in my life. It is a challenge, but why should it stop us? Every day has always been a challenge and has been since the start. Don't stop now. Keep on reaching out.