My mom and I were having a really in depth conversation earlier today. I forgot what we started off talking about, but I know what led to it.
I was thinking about how I was treating her boyfriend. I would hardly look at him in the eye most of the time whenever I was around him, and eventually saw the results of my actions. He would not look at me much either. I find that unfortunate. It's like you know what you are doing, but you still are too stubborn to change. Sometimes, I want to resist being nice, because I have a twisted conception of what weakness is. But what the heck? I want people to be nice to me, and for them to look at me in the eyes when they talk. I have a fear of becoming weak in front of any man that my mom or sister brings home. I don't like to feel that any male figures can push whichever women they want around. I have seen my mom looked down upon by other men, and also some of the inconsiderate ways that my father had treated my mom.
I've worked hard to change my perceptions of people for a couple of years now, but there is always something that I still have to keep working hard to change.
So instead of telling my mom what I was really thinking, I asked my mom if she thought that my face was getting better. (I've actually been trying to wash my face better so that I could remove most of the acne scars and bacteria underneath my skin). She told me "Just a little bit." I did not approve. I wanted a positive answer, because I saw my skin dramatically getting better. Unfortunately, my mom and I cannot see eye to eye. Anyway, my mom then told me that something must be bothering me, because I would ask for her opinion but then would want a different answer from the one that she gave.
Ultimately, we ended up talking some more, and I became intrigued with what she said. (My mom is a really interesting woman, and I love talking to her even though she can be hard to listen to sometimes. Nevertheless, I like to learn everything that I can from her.) All of a sudden, I started tell my mom that I wanted to know more than her. It was as if I wanted to compete for intelligence. I think that is why for the longest time I have been so jealous of people who are smarter me, and would have it much easier than I do in learning. People would tell me that I have a kind heart and other nice things, but I would often deny all of that. I never felt "right" describing myself using any of those positive characteristics. I felt more negative traits than more positive ones. Why don't people believe me though? I feel two-faced sometimes. It is not like I try to make myself that way, but I also have a problem of pleasing people to make them feel happy.
My personality is so complex. I still have to keep learning more about myself before I can feel comfortable being with anyone. My family (mother, and two younger sisters) know the kind of person that I am, but I have to say that we still do not know each other all that well. Everyone is always hiding something. Recently, we've been more open with one another, and that helps somewhat.
Back to greed. GREED is in me!!! After my mom told me that I what I have is greed, I was so relieved. I was like, "Mom! You've explained something that I've felt for the longest time!" It was greed. When I was younger, a lot of people put me down. Although the adults in my family did not think that kids can hear what they are saying, they're actually more attentive than actually believed. I wish I didn't have to take in so many of the negative criticisms. Over time, I began to believe all of those lies - that I am really a bad person, and that if I lived any longer, I'd probably do more harm than good. Man, rough times.
She used the comparison between the rich and poor. Many wealthy people do not feel satisfied and oftentimes want more despite already having so much. They would put themselves down, psyching them to believe that they do not have "enough" and that they should/deserve to get more. Similarly, I would put myself down even while I had good grades, friends around me, and a home to go to. I would then tell myself that what I have now is not and will not be enough. In other words, greedy people never feel satisfied. Dang. That is what I feel like most of the time. I never relax even when people tell me to, because I do not feel secure with what I have. This is why I can have a problem with being around people, and also why I want to feel like I can be intellectually brighter than my mom.
Maybe it is easier explained verbally than in writing, but I hope that that parallel will make sense. Overall, it is the playful interaction between feeling satisfied, wants, and needs. I want to get good grades, and I need to do well in order to go to college, but I do not feel satisfied with what I have no matter what I do. So to "balance" this equation, I would want more. My needs seem to be satisfied and now becomes a tug-of-war between wants and feeling satisfied. Despite getting better grades, I still do not feel satisfied. I think that would add up to being greedy. But again, I insisted that I am not good enough mainly because of my
past. I did not have anyone who would believe in me, and worse than that
is my lack of faith in myself. I resorted to using competitiveness as a
way to help myself get back in the race. If you challenged me, I will
not back down. It could have been a way of survival. I'm not sure. But I don't think greed will answer all of what I have been through or felt.
Conclusion? Yes, I have one. Although it is easier to discuss a topic between people, we tend to listen to it readily because we are looking for answers. However, answers do not come forth or reveal themselves to you that smoothly like a smoothie. (I think they can come out in chunks, and you would have to dig out the ones that you like best.) Nothing is ever clear. Also, focus on your life, find out what is important to you, ask why, and remember that your life is not just yours along but actually involves many others close to you (and sometimes those you've never met). Life is interesting. I feel like this probably will always be the only conclusion that I can ever come up with, or come close to, in that life is interesting.
I'm learning and re-learning how to appreciate the people around me. I am also learning how to "bother" people and not feel so guilty about it. (Ah, back to those high school days.)
Thanks for the talk once again, Mom!!! Thank you for my mom, God!! I still don't know all of You yet, God, but maybe one day I will get so close to understanding you that I won't have to guess all the time.
