Let's Look To Ourselves

I had put some effort and time into just focusing on myself and God, and the relationship I have with Him, through means of reading some parts of Matthew and listening to week 1 CD's from Elijah's House. I found something and even though I'm not sure what I will do with it yet, it is still a start for me.

Somehow today the question of "should we believe or follow a religion in order to be closer to God"? So far, I only asked two people, and have received their honest feedback of what they think about my question. Because my family introduced me to Catholicism since the day that I was born, that was all I ever knew. It didn't mean I understood it though, since I can't even remember much from what I learned during those years of Sunday school and mass. I don't recollect that much, nor can I tell others what being a Catholic really means. Yeah, of course, it means you have to be a good person and follow the Ten Commandments....but well, what does that all mean? Will I be able to go to Heaven? Am I a bad person? Did I treat that person well--but didn't they deserve it that way?......Questions without answers remain meaningless. Essentially, no one really sat down with me to teach me in a way that I could understand, and during those years I was too young to care or listen.

As I was re-listening to the CD called "How We See God," I began to hear stories of family life that I could somehow relate to even though the details were completely different from mine. Nevertheless, I felt the same consequences. Somehow our image of God can be shaped by how we view our parents. That is, our judgments of our parents or of others starting with the family can affect our view of the world and can even hinder our relationship with God. You see, my dad used to play with me and my second oldest sister when we were younger, and he was nice and did look after us. At that time, he seemed to be a father to me and my siblings. When my parents got divorced, I realized how distant he was with me. Right then, I saw him as a stranger --a someone I do not know and have ever known, nor would I want to. It was a confusing time of my life, because I wanted to believe that I knew him and that things could have been different...but what went wrong? I thought that it was my fault, and now I realize that this problem resided with my parents. I just happened to be there and in the middle of things. I still am. They treat me as this messenger when they cannot talk to each other. Although it sucks badly, and it does affect me very much, I shouldn't make it a significant part of my life. Why should it be anyway? What good would that do for me or anyone? I'll probably suffer the most, since it's my own doing. That's not what I wanted to say though. From listening to the CD, I reflected about something and it goes back to the Ten Commandments: Honor your mother and father. Honor them...what does that mean? I now understand that it means that we should try to respect them even when it becomes hard to do so. Then another thought came to my mind: how was my dad's life like when he was a boy? From what I hear, it wasn't such a good one. It seems to me that my dad is ready to offer his time and energy into doing the work that anyone would ask of him, but on the inside, he didn't like it very much. Yet, it's something he's so accustomed to doing. I don't know much about my dad, or his past relationships with his parents--I just don't know much about him in general. I only garnered as much data as I could from his actions and what hear from my mom about my dad's mom. Now, I can see that my family have had a rough life or at least childhood when they were younger. My dad lost his dad when he was a boy; while my mom lost her mom when she was a young girl. Though both my dad's mom and my mom's dad are still alive to this day, they do not keep much in contact and so do not get to see or hear from them as much. If I can say this much about my parents' lives, I know that I am very fortunate to be able to see this. I need to in order to break the cycle of judgments and hatred. I cannot live like this anymore. It's like every time that I hear from my dad or see him, I just want to stare in the other direction. I want so badly to disappear and to get out of sight when I really need to do is tell him how much I love him and care about him. I don't want to ask too much anymore from him, because I feel like that will only lead to too many disappointments. I am hoping that God will touch his heart and reach into his stubborn mind where it is weakest and most vulnerable to change him. I do love my dad, even though I sometimes deny it. I just hate that I do not seem to see the love coming from him. This is where I turn to my Father in Heaven to heal me with his unconditional love, because I have a hole in my heart and it needs mending. In addition, I wasn't able to see how I acted to my mother until last year. I know now just how badly I mistreated her when she cared for me as best as she could as a single-working mom. How could I have not known? Then again, how could I have known when all I ever did was look to the outside world for attention, fun, and comfort. The way I viewed things blinded me from trusting my family and from helping my mom and sisters after the divorce.

I suppose that my dad will have his judgments towards my mom, and I will continue to be in the middle between them until they realize that they need to do something about it. I guess for now all I can and will do is for me to not judge either of them. Interestingly, one of my friend told me check out proverbs 3:5, and I did. It said exactly this: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding.
I know one thing for sure now, and it is that I can be at peace with my father as long as I will it to happen. God will stand by my side through everything that I experience. He's here with me. But you know, just a few months ago, I was the girl who was scared of people leaving her (because of deaths, anger, resentment, etc..) and I believed that God would leave me too if I did something wrong. I grew up thinking that there were so many things wrong about me, but that's certainly not the way to live. I think that it's more like when you notice something about yourself that you don't like, it's possible for you to take it away little by little every day until one day you hardly notice it anymore. So, thank you Lord, for helping me, your daughter, learn in times when I feel that no one else could.

Why do we fear so much?

I have been thinking because I cannot sleep. As my sister is laying in the bed sleeping away, I am sitting here on my bed wondering if I can stop doing what I am doing. God, my heart is still fragile and weak. I seek in you that confidence, love, and strength. I am wasting energy because I don't want to turn the light off. I want to keep distracting myself. I went on facebook and went through my friend list and decided to comment on each of the pages that I think I would like to keep my friendships with. I admit it. I am afraid. I am fearful. I have to do something about it. Can I face my fears?

There's something that is troubling me very much. That is my imagination. It can either help me or hurt me. The weird thing about it is that I'm not sure if I know how to use it to my advantage for this moment in time. A lot of times when I am troubled, I always come running to my mom. But then what happens when there is no mom or if someone else is in trouble, should I simply run away? In my right of mind, I don't want to. Yet I'm sinking deeper into the depths of uncertainty. This is where my imagination gets ahold of me and I am struggling hard to seek the deeper relationship with God but cannot seem to get there. God, I know that you are present everywhere. I just cannot see you, but I have felt your love before. I have felt your grace on me. It was truly a blessing.

God, I want you in my heart. I want to follow your son's footsteps, but I'm so clueless... I feel like the child that must hold someone's hands because she still is not sure which way to go and when to step forward. If I can suspend my imagination, I can suspend that creation of fear. I want to let you in, so I must first open the door to welcome you into my hearth. Please, Lord, bless me with your teachings, your ways. I want very much to be a part of your world.

One of my hopes for this new year is that I will become more stable mentally and emotionally. In this way, I won't over-react the way that I used to, or crawl back to my helpless ways.

Contemplations

Today is the first day of the new year. I am happy that I am home with my family to share the moment and celebrate my mom's birthday. I'm hoping that I will be able to really enjoy it without complaining. Somehow, inside of me, I'm thinking too much about what I might be missing. I still that that mentality where I think people need me or that I'm the center of attention. I know how I think and what I think, but I don't want it to control me. I haven't seen some of my high school friends for over a year now that I'm back for break from college. I do miss them, but ever since my face started breaking out..I'm not sure if I can show them my face. Of course you realize that true friends should never bail on you, even when you have changed physically. Then again, some people just never will care for you the way that you want them to anyway. I think I need my own time to recover from myself. I've been trying to look to God for help, wanting him to renew my heart and mind, so that I can one day be more stable when I look at myself in the eyes. I need to love myself for who I am and the life that God has given to me. Right now my family is most important to me, so I must put them first before anything else. I even decided to back out on a job that I could have gotten, especially after that trip down to the career service office to go through the interview. I was incredibly nervous because I never went for a job before, and I don't think I will anytime soon. I was suppose to go on the 28th of December for the training seminar, but I never did because of the snow. Although I tried to convince my mom, she tells me that I shouldn't and that it would be too dangerous. Of course I was being stubborn when I told her that I can handle it--the cold, dark, and loneliness. I suppose I am glad that I made the decision to not work now. I need the time with my family anyway. I don't get to see them often while I'm in school, so I have to do what is best for myself and my family.

My dad doesn't provide me with much. The only thing that ever comes out of his mouth is something about money and my face. I cannot judge him. It is not my right to do so, but God's. I just know what I feel. I am sad, and I wish he could love me for who I am and come to visit more often. He must want to though. That's what is different from dads who come to "just do" and dads who come because they really care. I don't see that anyway. I guess now that it shouldn't matter. I've been keeping myself busy with doing different things that I could find myself doing, such as watching movies after movies, reading my book, and hanging out with my mom and sisters. I've gone shopping and practically enjoyed it. I feel like I've changed, and I want to be proud of myself. I have to keep doing it though constantly so that I can feel good about  myself. I just need more confidence in living life and in being who I am. Sometimes though, I don't understand why my dad does not want to help me pay my college tuition for as much as he can, especially since he doesn't help me with anything else in life anyway. My education is so important to me. I hope he can understand that one day, because I have my own life to live too.

My friends, I am hoping that you will stand by me no matter what. I know that you will, but I need time. That's all that I ask.