A New Hair-Cut

Yes. I've received a new hair-cut. It's one that is very similar to the one that I had two years back when things were going rough for me. Funny how it seems like I've gone back in time every time I look in the mirror. Nevertheless, the experience this time is different. Instead of getting mad at my mom for cutting my hair so short, I instead laughed and made many jokes all the while that my hair was being shortened. Meanwhile, as my mom saw the way that I reacted to such a hair-cut, she began to feel guilty and did the best that she could to please me. The thing is that (two years back) I used to feel horribly about who I was and it was my hair--whatever remained on my head--that I could change without doing much physical damage onto myself. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. So, now it is shorter than ever before. I remember how I said that I wouldn't cut it any shorter anymore, and that I would grow it long so that I would donate it. Looks like I will have to re-do that process all over again.

Still, through all of this, I can see that I've grown in a way that shows to both  me and my mom that I do care about my family. Or rather, that I don't care so much about the world and it's perception of me. Of course I still look in the mirror and ask myself how can I make my face look normal, or fitting to my new hairstyle? That probably might not happen, because most likely the majority of the hairstyles that people wear today aren't all that satisfying to me. I don't like my bangs; I've always worn that since I was younger and it's just annoying to have hair covering a part of my face. Long hair is a lot of work, and oftentimes, I don't do very much with it. Girls tend to work with their hair, using straighteners, iron curlers, gels, etc., but I don't know what to do with  my hair. At least, I don't think anything works for me at the moment.

Sometimes, I think that I look like a boy, or seem to show off some masculine features. Maybe it's also because I act in certain ways that do not portray me as a girly type of girl. I don't like being labeled or limited in who I am or can be. First of all, I do not yet understand who I personally am yet. I just know that I am still learning more about myself so it takes time and I need space to make mistakes and to take on various perspectives. This means that I do not appreciate people siding with "this is how you should dress in order to be more feminine". But what if I don't want to be more feminine? What if I've been there and am tired of how obsessive over looks I have to be in order to feel like I will be able to fit in? Then again, being careless like a typical boy is not all that I want either. Nowadays, you can even see boys wear earrings. What does that tell you? I feel like it just shows that we're always trying to find a 'look' which will fit us, or maybe it is a look that will help us to 'fit in' with the crowd.

Well, for me, I don't want to please anyone. I can't possibly please people anyhow with the way that I look now. Therefore, I'm going to go with wearing a cap over my head. I think I will look more tom-boyish, but that doesn't matter now. I have to cover my head most of the time. I don't really like the way my hair sticks up too much, especially after I have taken a shower. Oh wells. It will definitely be a journey, not to mention now that I live on a campus where I actually know more people. I see too many people/familiar faces every day as I walk to class. LOL. It will definitely be entertaining, I think. Let's see what God has in store for me this time. :) Hopefully, I will not succumb to my inner thoughts--that I will be more open-minded--so I can treat my life as an adventure.

Doing Things

I think I am writing maybe sporadically. I want to concentrate and do well on my exam, but I feel distracted at times, because I keep thinking about how I need sleep in order to remember anything. Well, I will sleep perhaps at 3am? -sighs- Then not go to my morning class? >.> Yes, I feel like I would have to skip my morning class if I still want some sleep.... Sighs. This is ridiculous--what I do. After all, I spent my time worrying greatly over physics and not paying enough attention to Cell Bio. I haven't been studying for my mcat either, but I know that studying well for physics should pay off. It just has to. I'm not trying to ignore/avoid anything in particular right now; at times, I just want to be alone. I don't want things to boggle my mind so much where I cannot do anything well or allow for my soul to feel uneasy.

 But whatever, I cannot do anything about the past. The present moment does have much to worry. Future and past does not seem to even matter as much anymore. Everything just seems to blend in.

Where's The Peace?

Anxious, intimidated, uneasy. I don't want to do any more work is how I feel at this point in time, even though I know that I should. It's a burden to know what I'm supposed to be doing at this moment and not really living up to it. I'm pretty sick and tired of feeling so stressed out because of some exam and quizzes. I just want to be able to study and study enough so that I know things and won't have to worry about it so much in the future. It really all depends on what it is that I should be doing right now. I think that I should at least get started on the Cell Bio since it is more of my fear on how I do in that class. I keep thinking about the numbers, when in reality, I have been wanting to give it up so that I won't have to stress the frick out. Really. What is the point of stressing out about numbers? (Seems like my friend, Oliver, has been influencing me a lot. Hm. Well, I don't believe that it's such a bad influence, because he's allowing me to see past the things that I am seeing.

I have to continue to try my best. The reason why I stop? Well, it's because I keep thinking that I don't understand and will never be able to understand so just give up now. I think I'm starting to see what I like and what I do not like. It seems to me that I don't like to remember things only. I want to be able to understand things and see through to it that I can "solve" them. Geez, haha. Medicine is all about memorizing. Of course there is a part of understanding that needs to take place, but man... I just wonder if I can make it through all of that. Well, right now I'm still very much interested in Cell Bio, but Genetics is kicking my behind. This class is like meatballs falling out of the sky. It's all really interesting stuff, but so difficult to visualize. AH!

BLEH. Whatever. Time to go back to studying, I hope. LOL. Yeah..... I just wanted to write that much. Hope the stress has been lifted off just a little bit. Anything would help at this point.

I'm also listening to music. It's kind of distracting. I think I should study without it.

Thoughts

My mind keeps on racing to think about IV. I keep thinking about that organization. It bothers me because I want to do so much for it. But I have a lot of doubts as to whether I can do anything to it--for it. I am discouraged because I don't know who will listen, and I am not sure of whether or not my ideas would help to strengthen IV.

On a random note, I want to go to church tomorrow. But I also want to have time for my studies. I think I will go, even if I show up late. I'll get there on foot. I don't care. I just want to live my life where it means everything between me and God. I've been thinking about Him, and just how it is that I should serve Him. That's pretty much how my life is at this point.

Praise Be Thy Name

Dear God,

You make me humble. I have the tendency to turn away from you through my fears, failures, commitments to worldly views, etc. I feel the need for you to pull me back to where I feel at peace. Lord, God, I am not rested. I have many things which occupy my mind. I have an idea of the sort of person that I would like to become. I want to get there one day. But I feel like I have to let go of many things here. God, your love is bountiful and at its maximum. I feel loved, Lord. Who can give me such great joy? Thank you for what you've done. How can I praise you more, Lord? What can I do to give you praise?

I am going to keep trying my best. I think my wishes and desires should come second. I really would like to see a big community, Lord. One that is all about You. One that will give you joy and delight to know that we love you just as you love us. I live to see that day. I realize that I have put many things first before myself. Yet, I know that my focus should always be on you. Lord, you lead me straight. You love me for who I am. You don't lie about who I am, because you know all my weaknesses and strengths. I pray that you will make me stronger. Lord, I am truly afraid of reverting back to my old self, or even worse, to something that I never wanted to be. Lord, you are everything and all things to me. How can I ever replace you? Nothing on this Earth can ever compare. Lord, I love you. Please be with me forever and always.

Observational

As days pass by I I feel a little bit more settled down. I'm beginning to see the fast changes and movements taking place outside of my own body - nothing that I can stop from happening. Everyone is moving in a certain direction that they themselves do not even know where it is that they're going. Yet, we come together. We touch one another's lives. We give influence. It's interesting to know that those who never thought that they would help people end up making a big difference in someone else's life just by being who they are.

What's been burdening my heart is that I tend to think a lot on my past experiences and it can be so random that I wonder why I ever even thought of it in the first place. Of course, there are times when I think 'Why did I do that?' or 'What difference would that make?' or 'Why did I care?'. But in the end, they merely become memories - ones that can either torture you because you want to keep analyzing or simply become something that had happened.

There will be days when I feel like I'm talking unintelligibly because I just cannot understand and so attempt to think about a perspective but still cannot form a real, meaningful idea. But that is because I do not know or understand. Rather than pose an answer, maybe I should try to pose a question instead; or listen on.

I have a question now. Why do we feel embarrassed or ashamed? Is it because we have done something wrong or said something that is inappropriate? But then again, there are many people these days who say inappropriate things who still are not embarrassed. I need to not worry so much about what I say at times, since I honestly am still inquiring things on my own. I think even through little mistakes of seeing yourself doing 'inappropriate' things, you should recognize why it is that you consider it inappropriate - whether or not believe it is so because of society or simply because you feel that continuing your ways would negatively impact someone. Now it makes me wonder if having a negative image on either parties - yourself or the other person- is worse. I think affecting either or still hurts. When I think a little more about it, when it negatively impacts God, then it has more weight to why you should feel embarrassed. After all, I read in Ecclesiastes how the life that we live here on Earth is meaningless. When I was so confused and was at home for Winter Break with my family, I began to sit down and open up the Bible. I think it answered my confusion. Somehow the idea that life is meaningless has so much meaning to me. It makes me question. Why should I let people's criticisms or even my own affect me so much that it could lead to depression? Why should I care about what people think when in the end, their opinions of what the world is all about eventually turns into dust with them as they age and die anyhow? I will die one day. But today I live. Let us cherish today and not worry so much about the past or the future.

The future was never in our hands. Something that we call 'future' could have always been a 'today' for God.