Completely Enthralled

I'm trying to read an article on Clive Wearing, and I feel anxious. I think it's because I think something may be too long and that I'm not sure if I am capable of understanding what I am reading. But I keep thinking about facebook or some way to vent something out of me. I feel so disturbed that I cannot even read properly or comprehend what it is that I am reading. This is annoying!

I hate that people put money first. I hate that children have to go to through all different types of suffering because their parents think about themselves more. Sacrifices....what does it mean to sacrifice?

OK. Back to the article. Anyway, a really nice conversation was held between Clive and his wife, Deborah. They're a really cute couple together, because though they have difficulties trying to hold onto one another with what they have, they still do so. Basically, this guy cannot remember about his past and has nothing about his present either. So he lives in seclusion every few mins or so, because he cannot recall anything about his life or even when he last woke up; he thinks he is awaken every time he literally cannot remember anything. It's very sad. But he's scared, too, and very confused. I would be scared. He feels like he's dead every time he becomes "awaken" again. It makes me wonder just how interesting life is. I mean, what life really is, or just how incredibly fragile. So fragile. So fragile.. hmm.
Conversation between Clive and Deborah:
 “Have they found life on Mars yet?”
“No, darling, but they think there might have been water . . .”
“Really? Isn’t it amazing that the sun goes on burning? Where does it get all that fuel? It
doesn’t get any smaller. And it doesn’t move. We move round the sun. How can it keep
on burning for millions of years? And the Earth stays the same temperature. It’s so finely
balanced.”

This quote is pretty interesting:

"The hearing of a melody is a hearing with the melody. . . . It is even a condition of
hearing melody that the tone present at the moment should fill consciousness entirely,
that nothing should be remembered, nothing except it or beside it be present in
consciousness. . . . Hearing a melody is hearing, having heard, and being about to hear,
all at once. . . . Every melody declares to us that the past can be there without being
remembered, the future without being foreknown."

The reason why I mention the quote above is because there is something about the way melody is described that I feel that music is connected to God. Either music or rhythm. Something about rhythm indicates life, it breathes out life. Life cannot prosper without something heaving or moving. Action. There is action taking place. Takes place now. Future or past, it is with us presently.

I really want to talk about this:  It is the “now” that bridges the abyss. The guy Clive Wearing does not remember anything and he feels like he's lost in the the abyss. But something obviously pulls him back and awakens him. It is love and music. Love.. his love for his wife allows him to 'continue'. This to me is brilliant and incredibly wonderful. Blessed are those who know love. Blessed are those who can feel again. Blessed is the light in which we wake into. Blessed are those who can continue.

I don't know why, but Clive's story intrigues me so much. There is something about what he's going through that summons a belief that it out of a human being's capacity to understand. God are you there? Where are you?

I know that I'm rambling. Jumping from word to word. Thinking. This is crazy.

Here is the entire paragraph from which I took the 'now' quote from:
It has been twenty years since Clive’s illness, and, for him, nothing has moved on. One
might say he is still in 1985 or, given his retrograde amnesia, in 1965. In some ways, he
is not anywhere at all; he has dropped out of space and time altogether. He no longer has
any inner narrative; he is not leading a life in the sense that the rest of us do. And yet one
has only to see him at the keyboard or with Deborah to feel that, at such times, he is
himself again and wholly alive. It is not the remembrance of things past, the “once” that
Clive yearns for, or can ever achieve. It is the claiming, the filling, of the present, the
now, and this is only possible when he is totally immersed in the successive moments of
an act. It is the “now” that bridges the abyss.

Is everyone here on Earth struggling to find a continuum as we all speak? Apparently a lot of people on this earth do, since they try to make up their own reasons for why they are living. Our culture fills us with material things, and I do not need to explain this to anyone, because I know that everyone is using something to make their lives easier. We have technology. We want to continue.... right? I  mean, we must want to or else we would not dare to stop eating/finding food, dressing ourselves the way that we want to for warmth or style, finding/meeting people so that we don't feel so along.....etc.

I don't know why, but I'm enthralled.

Stressed for finals.

I'm stressed. Really stressed. I don't know how else to express it because I feel like I'm on my own. What if I could imagine everyone studying along side with me? I would still feel alone because we're all trying to get our own individual grades and how we perform on the exams will detail how we do overall in the class. Yeah, I admit it. I am scared. God, you are first and will always be first in my life. For me to know what your plans are for me, I must try my best to do well. I cannot and should not slack. That's all. God, I give you control. Please bless me at this time to complete and do well and learn things with my work. Thank you. Amen.

Let Me Vent

I feel very uneasy. Let me vent.

I want to study for my neurobio exam by going over the lecture notes as many times as possible for the exam starts next Wednesday. I am not too concerned, because I know that I still have some time to study for it. Then, I keep thinking about other classes and how my incomplete work for Spanish and Physics will somewhat deter my focus and energy into what I am supposed to be doing now - that is, studying for neurobio.

I think my forebrain is huge. It feels blocked often. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because I do not want to think or something. Anyway, I keep thinking about the group and people like Oliver, Kevin and Matt. They're the three guys that I feel like I can trust. They're really something - all of them. I want to make time for them, the group, and basically, for God.

Today has been most interesting. I woke up early at 7 AM just to write my 12-paged paper. Not to mention, I slept around 3 AM. NICE, huh. Well, today was also the Christmas Dinner for IV and I chose not to go because I wanted to keep doing work. I have already spent so much time doing other things, and I do know my limits. I'm not suppose to keep my mind constantly occupied with things. I want to relax and feel like I can get something accomplished.

Yes, God has put me on this Earth to do something. I do believe that I have a purpose on this Earth. I believe that I am here to help people find themselves and get closer to God. I cannot do that without knowing and understanding myself first. I'm so totally amazed with the people of IV. They have shown me a kind of gentleness that I don't usually see from people; and a willingness to love others for who they are. I'm glad. Truly glad. Thank you, God for a blessed environment such as Rutgers, full of people and diversity. We have a community here but we need to take advantage of all its goodness. Lord, I began to understand that after my first year of college. I could see that there was just so many opportunities available, and it was up to me to keep an open mind.

Lord, I want to be an inspiration to people and to myself. I want to be a person who encourages. I want to be able to speak with the Holy Spirit guiding my tongue. I tend to blabber on a lot about different things. I hope that one day I will feel like I can really fit in somewhere. At least, to have a place so that I do not keep on looking for another place. I think I want to be found by now. Lord, find me once again. I am sorry that I have turned away from you through my evil, hypocritical thoughts and sins.

You have died on the cross. Why is it that when something is repeated it becomes old? Should it become old? I mean we're suppose to feel replenished in hearing something so wonderful, right? Jesus DIED for us. What's not BIG about that? I think it also has to do with the way that I feel. When I tend to talk too much about my personal ongoing issues to other people. I hear myself as being redundant and then I think that I'm complaining. But am I? What does it mean to complain? I am grateful, though, for the things that I have and more. I think the way that I feel about something being redundant is because of what society teaches us - that we're always suppose to go after anything that is new, big, bold, colorful, expensive, etc. Yes, we're taught a lot of things, but it's up to us to filter out the bad from the good. I know now that God is good, and so I must filter out everything else that is not Him.

I must love Him by placing Him first in my life. It is a challenge, but why should it stop us? Every day has always been a challenge and has been since the start. Don't stop now. Keep on reaching out.

O Holy One

Holy One

How empty I feel. But how motivated I am to fill up this emptiness through "doing something".

You lift me up,
Holy One
Holy One

Dear Lord,
I won't give up. But I still need assistance. You know more than I do what it is that I want. I can make things up as I go, but to act upon how I feel I would like to open my mouth more to create, just like how I can use my hands to create. It's strange though how I keep imagining myself sitting down and writing (or is it drawing) whenever I feel like I should be alone or overwhelmed. There's something relieving about using my hands. I need to figure out what that means though, because I'm not sure if I understand it yet.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that "What if you tried to put God first in all that you do, but fill up the 'extra time' that you have to do 'other things,' such as homework or time for classes". I don't think I understand that too well. I think that if I did, I would have maintained the Sabbath. It's weird how I want to do good, but have hesitated so frequently that I've become nothing more than a hypocrite. Maybe that is a strong fear of mine, that people will come to think that I'm only a fake, a hypocrite, a liar - that I cannot say anything and perform them as readily.

I said that I wanted a community, but I am pushing people away. I think I push them away because I am also afraid of losing what I have gained so far. Therefore, I do know what it is that I have and the abundance of opportunities that have been granted to me. It's just...can I manage? Man. God seriously blessed me. But I have been so wildly confused that I keep questioning Him and all that is good.

How is it that I have come to question the thing that I wanted to be so much a part of? I want to be around good Christians who keep their faith, make friendships with a variety of people, and even accept various people for who they are. I care for people. Yet, I am somewhat prideful. I think I have pride. Interestingly enough, I do not have so much confidence. Maybe I'm beginning to see what it means to be prideful. A lot of people saw my humbleness before. I think what they saw was me creating for myself a sense of worthlessness that appeared humble. Or maybe I'm thinking too negatively again. What does it mean to be humble? How can I become more aware of the difference between being prideful and confident? I must continue to work on this.

Lord, I have gained so much freedom because I see when I am judging someone else. Yes, it is still there, but it has become much easier to change a situation by soothing out complicated feelings. Lord, you are all that is good. I must believe. I must continue to cherish You for who You are. Lord, thank You. I apologize for turning away from you. I think that I am still standing on sand at the moment with a few rocky pebbles underneath me to help support me from sinking. However, I would like to stand on stone, become firm in my thoughts and understanding, so that I do not roll and wash away like the ocean waves. I want to soar. Hmm, that's a nice thought. It is.

1pm

I still daydream. I think it has helped me to get back to where I need to be. I think that my purpose somewhere in life is to keep being a "kid" so that I can reach out to more people. Yes, I am still somewhat timid, but because of my sense of awareness, I tend to contradict who I actually am. I think that the reason why I'm almost always confused is because I would side one way at a certain moment in time and then change it to something else entirely new. Yeah, I am strange. But I think that that is okay, too.

I was actually thinking about how inside of myself, I can imagine myself being a little kid who is crying out to her daddy to love her, but because he does not really react in a loving way in reality, I think that this is where I have become numb to "feelings". I have been asking a lot of people about love, and God's love for me. I have also asked about faith through keeping the Sabbaths. But I think no matter how many times I try to ask or understand, I feel like I cannot understand. My questions are not right. There is something missing...

Thinking for myself is something that I need to keep working on. But I believe that I need to speak up more so that I do not offend anyone. I have constantly been afraid of getting on the wrong foot, but that has put me on the more reserved side. I am so aware that it drives me crazy.

What is weird is that I have become less in thought. I think that it is good that I do not think so much anymore, but I have had many blank moments where I just do not know what to say or forget so frequently that I make myself mad. It wasn't always like this for me. God, there are so many possibilities of change. May you teach me what change is right for me. I am in control of only my actions, and I think that that is it. I think that's a good thing, though, because at least I have more of a responsibility and hold onto the meaning of this sense of power you have granted to me.

It Rained A Lot Today

Something that I would like to do is to get my work done first of all. I have a group presentation tomorrow on Occupy Wall Street. I think I am pretty excited for that. I really like my group. They're really nice people and I have enjoyed working with them. I have to keep learning and reminding myself not to judge another person. I know that I have some stereotypical influences about me and I would look at a person a specific way, but I'm going to have to learn how to stop doing that.

But yeah, tonight is the night to get a lot of things done! I would like to be productive and to stop fidgeting so much. Silence is much needed in my life. The more I think about other things, though, I will become more distracted. I hope to get past these thoughts of mine. Thank you, Lord, for providing for me. Thank you, for believing in me. I'm thrilled to have you as my Heavenly Father--my one and only.

Where Does My Confidence Lie?

3 weeks left before final exams are over and I can go home for Winter Break. 3 weeks left before I can say that "I have nothing to do". 3 weeks before torture... 

I mean why say until 3 weeks will I have to face my torture of examinations? I already am torturing myself at the moment with the way that I feel. I have had some set-backs that is making me question all that I've been doing. For example, I did so horribly on my group project for Spanish class that I'm not sure what to expect as a grade from that class anymore. I'm afraid that I have shoved away all the opportunities by not studying enough. My mind always inquires "how should I be studying?" when, really, I've done more questioning than trying to do the work itself. I realize that I have been too care-free with my time. I talk so blatantly to people about things that I feel like will not really help me or anyone else. I'm always thinking about other people, or if not that then about immoral things. I should try to control that part of myself more often. It's weird that when I think about these things do I begin to think about my father, whom I still call "father". I wonder if he deserves this title still or at all? I guess everyone deserves something, but deserving means that the person must have done something so great that it would be hard to say no to them. I don't think he deserves to see my family. He doesn't deserve very much because he doesn't seem to want to change. 

Anyway, I've seriously been going to too many Christian-related events. I feel overwhelmed because of it. Sometimes, I'm not even sure what I'm doing. Maybe I should start saying, "Yes, I am sure". In this way, I could have more confidence in what it is that I end up doing. Having a social life is necessary but there needs to be a limit in how much I should be around people. I don't always feel very comfortable. Sometimes, I don't even like being around people and just want to be left alone. 

There have been times when I wish I could concentrate better on my own without relying so much on people. I seem to say yes to too many things, and I end up kind of regretting it. Like yesterday, I ended up staying over to a friend's place, because I thought that I could study there much more easily with people. That didn't work out though. I should start to learn that no one is ever going to look out for me; I need to do this on my own and learn this now. 

I need to say "Yes" to more of my school work than to the events "out there". YES, I am confident in what I do. YES, I can get a good grade as long as I study and put a lot of time and effort into it. YES, I WILL overcome and no one or anything can stop me from getting what it is that I deserve. I am important enough to do things my way without having to fear constantly other people's feelings and what it is that they might think. I don't want to stay cooped up in fear. It is unfair for me. 

Dear God, please let me not take anything for granted, even the schoolwork and all that I have to learn at this moment in time. I don't want to destroy the opportunity presented to me as a college student. I want to include a lot of things in my life, but Lord, please show to me the things that I need when I need it most for I am dependent on your wisdom. I am still a child. But I yearn to keep going and learn under your Grace. Thank you, God.