We All Gain--Don't We?

I can't seem to study. I basically studied for four hours, and I think that I need a break.

So I wanted to mention something that I heard today as I passed a couple of guys chatting about something--sports, I think. I thought I heard them say that in order keep our sanity, we need to gain. What I'm going to say doesn't necessarily pertain to sports, but of something in particular that I heard them (or believe I heard them) say. Anyhow, I think the idea of gaining something in order to keep one's sanity quite an interesting perspective, because it's true that if we have nothing to gain, then why bother to go on with life? I mean, after all, I would find myself, everyone and everything around me worthless. You might be able to continue giving but not being able to receive anything back would mentally damage self-worth, I believe. Consider how we need to take care of our bodies in order to cherish the more important things around us. If we do not exercise or keep a balanced diet, (and did drugs or became a bulimic, etc) then we could very well damage our bodies physically. This would carry on to hurt, attack and destroy the mind as we being to self-question our situation and the luck that we are in. Okay, so this example mostly goes for the people who are somewhat better off in terms of having some form of control in their daily decision-makings. Nevertheless, it should be obvious enough that we are in need things. I guess just be careful what you consider as the things in which you need in life. You don't need everything--just some things.

Anyway, there seems to be an interrelationship to "gain" for all living creatures on this earth.

What is it about this world that we can gain? I can think of many things. For example, I can think of being happy with the one that I love whenever I'm ready to be in a relationship (heh); or when I have awesome memories of the people that I value and cherish the most; or hear the laughters when someone says something funny; or when I get to eat a bag of potato chips and enjoy myself on the couch (plus, be lazy!). Yeah, there are many things and these are the simplest things that I can think of, which I know that most people can relate to.

There are days when I feel that I could lose my sanity because I overload with different types of thoughts that I would not be able to do anything about had I the will to. Now that I think about this, I believe that I readily would lose my mind when I [know that I] do not "gain" very much from thinking about mundane things that can be irrelevant to the situation that I currently would be in. I know that I often daydream about what I like to do with either friends, family, or the person that I like. Of course, I don't gain much from it, especially if I am trying to study for my orgo exam or microeconomics exam (or whatever else that I'm suppose to be focusing on). Then, I would automatically feel stressed that I'm not getting very much done, and realizing that so much time has passed since I started to space out. This is not the most productive style to approach, but it fascinates me that I could at least give a reason to my behaviors.

I've been very confused as how to deal with my problems, because I feel as though if I cannot control the way that I think or do something about it, I would probably not be able to do very much in life: I would fail at doing well in school, feel more depressed, and eventually keep to myself and straying away from a social life. I've done all of those before, but yet here I am....I'm still in school, I still talk to people, and I feel somewhat better about myself. I can smile, and laugh, and joke--just like you! :) But it does take a lot of honest effort to get better. I still have some paralysis of the mind, which sometimes happen randomly whenever I am too consciously [or unconsciously] stress out, I suppose. I don't know how to explain it in better terms, but I've been having some difficult times trying to focus because my mind shuts down on me and it feels "blocked" to the point that I wouldn't be able to think clearly. I don't know if anyone goes through this, but sometimes I wish I knew because I feel like I go through great pains not understanding why I keep doing this to myself. Once the plague lifts, however, I feel normal and I can practically go about my day doing things without too much of a problem; but it becomes a nightmare for me whenever it seeks me out. I only want to understand if this is the normal effect for stress. I'm hoping I will be able to overcome it one day. I'm sure that no one can ever surpass anything without falling a second time. The first time that you overcome one thing, the next that comes will not be so hard to deal with the second time because now you know how to respond to it in a more effective way.

I guess that's the trick of things. It is to figure out and identify that there is something wrong and doing something about it. Of course both are hard to do, but everything requires time. For this sort of process, you will need to enhance all of your senses. Practice them for they are your best friends. The body is precious for it is connected to the mind. If you can skillfully evaluate your actions and progress everyday through your senses, you will see the gains of it all. Therefore, keep your eyes open and keep your ears ready. Be patient for your eyes need light to see; and be patient for your ears will need time to adjust to the foreign noises.

Alex's Lemonade Stand

I'm not sure why but I spend a lot of time on YouTube. It is like the only place to go and really "hang-out", relax the mind for 10-20 minutes. I clicked on a random YouTube video on to the right side of my screen and it led me to a video called "Alex's Lemonade Stand". As I was watching it, I saw how sweet the picture seems as it focuses on a sweet, innocent child's unfortunate situation. Furthermore, although I wish I could understand what the people were saying, I saw that the pictures really spoke more than the parents of Alex could ever do and still enable us to really see her in a more personal way.

Alex had cancer at a very young age. The wonderful thing about this story is that the cancer that took a hold of her life, however, did not keep her down any more than you or me (who may not have cancer or any serious disease or disease). She practically was "strong" and "brave" because she did not let the circumstance be the end for her. Instead, even in the little frail body that she was in, she rose to sell lemonade as a way to help other kids by raising money to give to doctors so that they could find a cure. Here's a link to the foundation with the website. Unfortunately, she passed away, but that didn't stop the people around her to carry on her legacy. Although I worked to help Key Club, a club that I was in back in high school, with the charity in raising more money for "Alex's Lemonade Stand", I realized now that I was never greatly informed about the history and details of such a miraculous story about a little girl standing up to fight for her own life. I don't know what brought her to thinking that way. Yet I feel that though she seemed like a little girl who have never experienced the fullness of life, she still knew what it meant to die, or the though of not being able to see her parents again, or the things that she could do in school or outside of school. Not only that but the thought of going through a situation that no one can help you seems like an incredible hard thing to deal with here. I think, no matter what though, her parents were still lucky to have such a beautiful child inside and out. The doctors should use this as a motivation to truly reach out and help people in ways that even medicine cannot ever suffice for the young child's body and mind.

But must we be in such a situation before we can start to make amends to the people around us? Could we stop and take time to not think about ourselves and all of the negatives for once, but actually begin to hope that the future will bring us good fortune though the present-day may look dim?

I wonder..how a little girl can be so courageous when even the adults could not do the same. How is it that though she is the one who have the hardest part of having to live with cancer decides to turn it around to make it into a positive thing for herself and other kids? I'm not sure if I quite understand, and I don't know if I ever will (even if I was in her shoes). It doesn't matter though. I find it interesting in that if it wasn't for her (and people like her), I don't know how much hope many other Americans or any other person on this earth might have.

Could you give a bit of hope and do something for the common good? I learned this semester that each and every one of us tend to always have something that troubles us more than some other mundane things. But we shouldn't let our troubles take over and consume us. Rather, let us create and build, because whether you can see it or not, beauty does arise from the depths of the ashes from which it is hidden underneath. Just like a flower that blooms in the summer air. All it needs is time to grow and the right kind of love in which the environment will give to it.

We're like a flower....just waiting for our day to bloom.

Free-Stylin' For The Soul, Mannn

See, you said that you wouldn't do much to hurt yourself, but look at what you're doing now.
The way you shine, you ain't lil' man.
You hide when the tears are rolling.
You tired but that ain't no show.
You fish but you take none.



How I'm feeling exactly?
Right now I feel pretty crappy. I know that I shouldn't look towards the future for any "answers" but it's kind of hard not to. It's like all you ever want is the best, but sometimes things don't go that way. Perfection is not part of being human. Haven't we learned that enough already? I guess not! I'm still trying to figure out how to be okay with imperfections. I can care less right now. That's what I'm feeling pretty much. Lousy. Annoyed.

I know I'm not stupid though. My brain is learning, but sometimes I don't give myself the chance or opportunity to rest assured that I have enough time to study and practice. That way, I wouldn't have to be so stressed out like crazy.

I can't stop now. Once the wheel starts turning, it's time to get back on the road. Stopping it will only strain the journey. Too much time has already passed. I'm going to go do something.....about it.....

Time to Get Going

I know that this may not be the best time to write a blog or anything, but I have to keep reminding myself. I must. Even though I know that I have 4 more days left before my orgo exam, I still need to believe that I can get some studying done. I sure that it is possible; I need to make it work. I feel like all this entire week I've been learning some kind of life lesson that I wished I learned four years ago. The art of managing your stress. I don't want to lash out and create chaos for myself, because I know that it will be mostly me who will have to put up with the consequences. Lately, I've become more aware that I can make time if I wanted to. It's not magic; it just takes understanding and probably a lot of practice. I have been without a phone for about a month and a half AND being okay with the situation--something that I haven't been without in probably over seven or eight years. (I wonder if I can keep going like this--haha, but in my mind, I know that it's possible).

My friend's coffee house is suppose to start tomorrow night. He's working very hard to put together a show and room for a speaker to talk about the conditions in India, hoping that more people will become aware of the children and orphanages. I wish I could come. I really do! It would have been an absolutely perfect night, but that would mean I would need to forgo my day with orgo. I can't keep pushing it off anymore. I've already been so bad at time management. What happens afterwards when things don't seem to be working for me is that I would go and vent it in indirect ways to people or make sighing sounds. But God has given me hope through His presence in my life. But recall that He created life in seven days, which means that He gave himself time to do things. He didn't rush and He surely didn't stress like we do everyday probably. I need to be okay and do things at my own pace (just like God had) in order to say that "if things don't work out, at least I know that I tried my best and really be proud of myself because I really did carry that out." Sometimes you need to stop worrying too much or being so totally self-critical about all of your actions. Every one makes mistakes and it's true--we are not perfect.

You don't need to do everything; you just need to honestly try your very best. The "best" part is that you will raise your own worth in all that you do.

I always like to end with some sort of a happy note:
Sooo..Good luck!!!!! ^__^ AHhhh! (OK! okay, time to go study now!)

This Week's Topic At Elijah's House Was On "Love"

This story makes me think about how I went to Elijah's House. Basically, at the meeting, we discussed on the we can identify what real love is--you know, the healthy kind of love-love relationship that everyone wants so badly one way or another. Apparently, this story definitely caught my eye and my very attention.

Read up if you will on Chris Medina's Love Story. (Pst, this guy was in American Idol!!)

So when I first heard of his tragic love story, I was blown away. There are stories like this where you would never imagine to be real, because what happened was tragic but it seems to also be a "happy ending". Essentially, he and his fiancée promised to get marry in two years. A month before their day of marriage, his beloved fiancée got into an accident. Yet, he believed that she would live and prayed for her life; and a month after her accident, she survived! Man..What's more is that he wrote a song for her. I cannot help it but put it on repeat. It's truly something worth acknowledging. Is there really true love out there in this world--even today? Could this story be the one perfect example?

I feel like his story gives hope to those who are suffering from their love life. After all, he is not living like most other couples. He is still very young, close to his thirties; and so is his fiancée who now can never be "normal" again. He's healthy, physically functional, and probably could have left her (I know, I'm mean to think of this but there is that probability that he could not withstand the sight of his fiancée in such a malformed condition). I love that he chose to stay with her, and to be by her side so that he could take care of her. I wish them the best. They're truly amazing people. I like how he smiles and gives her the attention. Most things he does seems to be about her; and she is his number one fan.

When I look at his story and the video, I see a woman who has been dramatically deformed. She is--from top to bottom--crippled, and probably for life because of the serious brain damage. She still is alive, however. I look at him, and he still has such great feelings for her. He can cry when talks about her; and he also promises to be with her even though their lives will never be the same.

Can we believe that we can always start a new life, no matter how things have affected us? I look at them, and I have to say that anything can happen at any minute. You'll never know, but the people who truly loves us for us, will stay. Only then can we see who is faithful, devoted, honest, and really will always be there for us.

He has no responsibility towards her for he is but a fiancée. He does not need to be her caretaker, since her mom already fulfills that job, but yet he volunteers to make it his full responsibility. I do not know very much or understand their lives or anything about them, but their story has touched me. I did tear up after having understood what happened.

God bless these couple for they are one of the best examples to true love as far as I can see.
I hope you will find your love one day--one who will be more than mere words.

The Mute Wishes To Speak

Every time that I feel as though I have fallen, I rise yet again. I am still blind and have only begun to open my eyes to what could be; I am like the mute; but I am decent listener.

So far I can sense that the world has a certain simplistic aspect to it. Life is simple, I remember my mother saying that to me. When you understand its simple parts, you will know how to live. I'm beginning to think that she is right. The world is too complex and too full of unnecessary, synthetic flamboyancy--mostly created by the hands of man. Though life is complex overall, it doesn't need to be in one's own home, or in one's own mind. The mind is a precious thing that can either be easily corrupted or show it's beautiful and magical creativity that is full of all of the human being's gateway to expression.

I cannot talk very much anymore. I already think too much and I don't seem to let them go very easily. It's been bothering me, and I know that it will have a negative effect on others. Individually, everyone has his/her own responsibility to themselves. Remember that you are your own best friend. I have seemed to forgotten that part. How selfish I've been to myself--just how much did I take away from me?

God seems to be working in my life. Whether I can feel His presence or not, I just know that He's doing something for me--to me. I don't have to understand everything and I wish not to. There is only so much the human mind can handle, unless it has been blessed by the Almighty to do even greater things. I am nowhere near there. I haven't heard Him call on me. I don't even know what it feels like to meet the Holy Ghost. I only hear things, but I'm nevertheless listening on. That's one of my more enhanced senses, and I can never practice it enough; I need to constantly keep at it. It's allowed me to get to know patience better, and it's given me the ability to consider other people's situation before my own.

Now, I wish to be the mute. When I do not need to talk, I won't. I did want to take on the challenge of helplessness. Interestingly, when I proposed this idea of mine--that I would try to go on during the remainder of this month without "opening up" too much or talking about just anything all too random-- my roommate told me that I am already helpless and that she doesn't understand why I would want to torture myself even more. Am I? Is that what I'm doing? But....there are other people out there who do not function like me--who do not have ears to hear, or eyes to see, or a working vocal chord. Yet, I do.

I only have one life. I don't have a lot of time. After all, to be able to learn about oneself can sometimes take a lifetime. I want to devote my life to learning. I have everything because He has already provided me with everything and more. The "more" part comes with the future, but in the present time, I already have a lot. He's given me life, and I want to live by taking in the breath of life.

I am the mute. I did not choose it, but I am. I remember having gone through so many phases and set-backs; well--yes, of course, that's life. Everyone goes through that. I'm just saying that this is but one more phase.

Can you imagine what it would be like to want to talk, but cannot? Can you imagine how much it might hurt to know that you want to share something you feel or know, but cannot? Can you imagine what these people might be thinking? I can't; but I want to step into their shoes. I want to see at least.

This might be the most stupid idea I have probably ever proposed (but I'm sure it's not the first) but I guess these are the sort of things that I look to to help me change. I don't know now but I guess I'll have to wait and see by the end of this month.

Dare to be Helpless?

SUGGESTIONS FOR THIS WEEK’S EXPERIENCE:
• Take away a tool that you depend on. Some options include: pens, pencils, paper, internet search engines, your cell phone or its apps, text messaging, your car, public transportation, your computer, etc.
• Go without a coat or something else that keeps you physically protected.
• Write some of your computer passwords on a sheet of paper and give copies to some trusted friends. Throughout the week, think about what would happen if they actually used your passwords and saw your entire life without filters.
• Each day, commit to telling a stranger (which also means you must meet a stranger) or a different friend a secret about your life.

You can come up with your own experience, but the common theme of all our acts is that they make us feel vulnerable – something Rebecca feels everyday. And as we go through our “helpless” experiences, let us remember that Jesus, Son of God, selflessly became man and experienced vulnerability in order to restore our relationship with God.

Thanks for taking on this experience of helplessness in observance of Lent 2011.

--Written by Laura Dassama

Laura Dassama is a Ph.D. candidate in the Department of Biochemistry, Microbiology and Molecular Biology at the Pennsylvania State University. She serves as lead of the Intercessory Prayer Team at Harvest Global Mission Church, and she is a food enthusiast.

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Above is a conclusion to a story in which you can find when you click on the web address.

I think I'm going to try and do at least three things or maybe come up with my own. Who knows, but the one on telling a stranger about your secret kind of strikes me as the best challenge yet! I think I will try it out, haha. 

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OH, STORY TIME!! :D

It was funny how I FINALLY recalled my conversation with my friend, Alice, about a simple story of a man being healed nearby the open bath house. I recall that he was laying on a movable board and he pushes himself in order to get around. When Jesus saw him and approached him, He blessed the man by allowing him to walk. Jesus essentially told the man to stand up and walk! So he did, and that was just it! There was nothing more about how he struggled or if he fell or anything of that sort, because it was a miracle. When I read it for the first time, I remember being very gullible, saying that he was probably lazy, and I felt like somehow the story was meant for me to read and really relate to. I don't know what was going inside of my head at the time, but I thought that through the Bible, you could relate your life with it; guess I was a bit too far off at the time. I judged the man and said that he was lazy because he didn't try hard enough during his years of living, so now here comes Jesus telling him to stand up and walk already--so that he could finally move on with his life and be able to use the resources around him more freely. In reality, at the time of my reading it, I was the one who was and felt lazy. I was the one who felt crippled, and who needed someone to tell me that I should get up and walk--or rather, choose to do (YEAH, as in JUST DO!). I didn't understand the story because I assumed too much, but seriously, it was hard for me to understand what I was reading in the first place. I tried my best, but I'm thankful that I inquired about it and openly discussed it with Alice. She corrected me and helped me to see what the story is actually saying. I'm glad. I guess when I need help and really want to get back on my feet, this will be the story that comes to mind. Sometimes I feel like we need others to smack us in the face (hmm, not literally..but then again.. :P) in order to wake us up from the despair in which we live in. Most of the time, we don't see any other ways to live but merely use the familiarity of our old habits and surrounding environment to continue on with our life. I hope you that if it is you who are in need of that voice of encouragement to shock or awaken you, then don't hesitate to find it within you. It's there. I just know it! Seek it so that you can restore your inner psyche. :)

Yesterday was my friend's 23rd birthday

I still don't think I am very good at praying when I'm surrounded by people, or when I know that all ears are listening intently on the words that will come out of a prayer's mouth. Yesterday was my friend's birthday. She is a special girl and she is now 23 years of age. She's been through a lot of tough times as a child who did not feel loved and was constantly bruised mentally, emotionally, and physically. She's now 23 years of age, and she has become such a beautiful person inside and out. I can see the look on her face that she's been through a lot--that she's seen many sufferings on her own account and those of others. But nevertheless, she survived! She's here! And she's happy, strong, and beautiful. I am happy that she is around here in New Jersey where I can reach her still, and I hope that she will continue to affect more people's lives as she befriends them or generously give away her artworks or time to help different types of people.

It's amazing to see that she's come to live in love and not in hate. At the birthday party, she was surrounded by a large group of Christian friends who could make it to celebrate her day of birth. I tried to dress up, and clean myself as best as possible because it was her special day. I even put on some eye liner, mascara, and a frilly blue and white dress. I also braided the upper half of my hair. Luckily, I already shaved the day before because I went swimming with a friend so all those cut marks weren't too badly exposed. On a regular basis, I don't dress up unless I think I need to, which was why I had a dress stored in my closet just in case. :)

Anyhow, I believe we all had a lot of fun. There were many smiles and laughters as people had a good time snacking, talking, and meeting new faces. It was a lively atmosphere. Near the end, as more people left, we began to gather around in a big circle around the living room to share our good moments with the birthday girl. Apparently, everyone had good things to say about her. But I think the best part was when we got to pray for her.

I heard someone say that she was a real testimony--the actual proof of God's work that He does have plan for each of us, just as He does for her. I can see that it's true. She has overcome many obstacles throughout her 23 years of life. Having been adopted by many families, she's been able to see the inside of people's lives, their hearts, and their way of thinking. Perhaps she had to overcome all of the pains in order to see the beauty of God's gracious love--that He will always be there for her and always has been. I'm really glad that she's my friend, and that I got to know her since the fall of 2010. She's given me new insight about life through her words, her actions, and mainly everything about her. Some people might consider her crazy but she's free. There was a time in each and every one of our lives when we were all free. We were all children once. What happened? I suppose we all grew up.

I don't think I've been through very much as my friend, but why do I keep feeling down like so? And why do I let my troubles affect me like so?

I would like to give my friend a prayer (one that I could not find the courage to express while being in her presence, but I guess I would like to do it here):

Thank you, Father in Heaven, for have given us your child. You have blessed us with insight--one in which we could have learned on our own if we lived a thousand times, but you have given us that here and now. You showed to us through her that we can overcome obstacles when we put our trust in You, Lord. I also thank You for having given my friend a blessed environment where she is safe and happy through being surrounded by her Christian friends. They are her family, Lord. Please allow us to gather the courage and energy to protect her as we all continue to protect our neighbors in the way that each of us would like to be protected by You, Lord. Thank you for the joy that she offers and the love that she spreads. Sometimes many of us forget, but we are again reminded that there is more to life than simply sadness, suffering, and pain. I pray that you will continue to work in her life for she is your daughter and she loves You. Thank you for faith, and courage; and thank you for my friend. Amen.

Dear Sister

Dear sister,

I keep thinking about you. I'm sad that I have caused great pains during the last few years when I have been living with you and the family. You kept telling me that I somehow changed and that I don't pay too much attention to you guys or the family anymore. I remember how you were mad at me because I forgot about you. I think that you love me, or at least care for me. Though we've always been sort of jealous creatures, I think on the side, we still look out for each other no matter what. I would like to do that for you. I'd like to protect you when you feel like no one can understand you. I would like to be that shoulder when you need to rest your weary head. Sister, do you believe that I have changed? Can you forgive me? I'm trying very hard to do better. If you don't believe me or still cannot trust me, I'd like to do all that I can to regain that trust. Though there will always be something which I will not agree with, I will respect your decisions. You are old enough to understand what is going on. However, you are still young, and so am I. I still need help and I want to let you know that you can ask for help. I wish I was good enough to be there for you.

Honestly, when you push me away, I'm really hurt. I guess I understand how you feel by now. After all, I chose to push you away, too. The feeling is like a knife to the heart, tearing away at everything dear to me. I think I know how you feel, sister. Do you believe me? Do you believe that I can get hurt too? That I love you? I know that our family aren't very big on "love" or saying it to one another. But we're all trying to prove that it exists. I think it does.

I know that you now are in a relationship and you find him to be more deserving of your attention, but don't forget us, your family. We were here even before he existed. Though you believe that he understands you now and that only he can make you feel good, he won't be the only one in your life. Do not desert or neglect those who do care for you. Please don't forget us. Though you might not want to hear it now, but I still need to let you know that most of your peers at your age are still growing. Their frontal lobe (the part of the brain behind your forehead) has not fully grown yet. That's why you often see people acting "immature". No one at your age is fully mature and are most likely to make a lot of dangerous mistakes if they are not cautioned. I'm not even mature yet! Most people on this earth aren't either. Therefore, guard your heart--guard it in a way that you can still let people in but don't let them ever to take advantage of everything that is you.

Do you know that boys are more likely to think about the physical part of girls before they really think about getting to know them or if they can understand what loving a girl really means? Girls, on the other hand, tend to be the more sensitive side; we often use our feelings and if we concentrate too much on one part of the "good" feeling, we'll probably be pulled heavily and blindly into the zone of the unknown--into the world that will leave you feeling vulnerable. Believe me, I've been there before. I remember how blind I was. You might say that I don't understand, but what if what I'm saying is true? Will you still ignore me, even though you now know? God gave his children physical sensations in order to fully be aware of the life in which they live. Without it, we would not be able to protect ourselves from being burnt; and without it, we would probably not know what happiness is. Do not take all that you see for granted; and do not believe everything by sight.

Please, please, give yourself time to grow and learn. If he is someone that you are happy with, then don't keep pushing all of your hopes on him. In other words, don't depend heavily on him for your emotional support. He's still only a teenager just like you and you both need time to grow. Because if you do, you will both get hurt when things start to not go your way or his way. The world is only getting bigger as you head to college. Once you do, you will begin to meet more people and you will see many great sights. Believe me....I am going through it now. Whatever you are experiencing now is not forever, because God will bless you with more things to come. After all, he sees you for you and know what you want deep inside of your heart, even when you do not reveal it to him.

I'm sorry but I don't want to see you like any of the other girls whose parents never were able to stop them from being crazy and going out and having sex with random guys. Most of the time, teens as young as twelve become pregnant with their first newborn; and usually these babies are born mentally retarded, physically handicapped and without any financial aid to care for them. This is life. Human beings are capable of reproduction. I even heard that we are the reproductive machines--that that's our function! Can you imagine? We're meant to all reproduce so that as a human population, we overall will be able to thrive. But look at the world now, how miserable are they as the resources are beginning to reduce, and how many children are suffering because they are born without nutrition or their caretaker. These unfortunates suffer because they do not know--because they do not understand how strong sexual impulses can be. I wanted to wait until you are old enough, but I do have a story to tell about the many times that I have fallen greatly.

Sometimes, all that I ever want to do is to let you know that you're all that I want as a sister and more. You both mean so much to me. I can never replace you guys with anyone else in the world. I've listened to people talk about how they don't have family, or how they have witnessed all sorts of abuse, or that they've been thrown out into the streets due to multiple factors (religion, finance, culture, morality, etc). I don't need you to think any better of me right now, but I would like for you to forgive me. Even if you don't want me around, I will be there for you for as long as I live. I only want to see you become stronger emotionally and spiritually.

There's more to life than just looks and clothings. You are only seventeen, and soon you will be eighteen. Mom has tried her best to teach you how to think. I know her words can be rough and sometimes you don't want to listen, but how many times has she really hurt us? She's protected us more than anything. She's given us life where other parents could not. Aren't we blessed? Mom is the only working parent and our guardian. She's given up her life just for us. I am beginning to understand the huge sacrifice that she is making for us. If you think about it, how many people will be willing to live without pleasurable things that the world offers? Do you see how many people are likely to do drugs and get drunk? You might not see that now, but in the real world, human beings can fall easily to the lies and deceits. We are sinful creatures. I know that you love mom. Lately, I've realized how short life can be. I'm happy that mom is getting her exercise. She deserves to be happy. I love to see her smile. I even love your crazy ways as you yell in the darkness of the night in the parking lot as we're coming out of the restaurant "BOOOOOoooOOoKKkk".. Hehe.

As I quietly look from a distance, I see that our baby sister is starting to become more and more like you. She dresses and talks like you. In other words, she is copying you in many ways. I realize now how vulnerable children are as they are growing up. Mom was right when she said that I needed to act and be the sister that you might want me to be so that you will have a good example to look up to. I messed up. I know. But you will see that it was not entirely my fault. I wasn't the quickest to learn and I wasn't the best listener.

Therefore, that is my advice to you. I am going to pray that you will listen to mom and hopefully to me if we get a chance to talk more. I'm praying that you will begin to open up to me. I will pray that I will know how to treat you better and the words that come out of my mouth will help you and not hurt you. I am praying for patience in me. Lastly, I pray that you will come to know God. God created you and He knows that you are beautiful--that you are His beloved child.

I pray that we will be a happy family and that we'll always stick together forever. I love you guys. I really do. <3

I Have Dreams Just Like You!

Here's a good song that I listen to to calm my nerves.

When I'm sitting alone, I begin to contemplate about all sort of things. Funny how I would often "come back" with a new awareness that I spaced out for a bit. The things that run through my mind are completely random, but most of the time, I think about things that I would like to do (but really have not or probably will not have accomplished in reality). I imagine how I would write, and speak when I'm around people. The conversations that I make up in my head are pretty entertaining. It's just too bad that I think I'm sort of awkward verbally. I've always seemed to have a dream world where I would imagine myself doing great things.

I remember when I was younger that I was sitting on the bus heading to school. I was probably a 5th or 6th grader. I didn't talk to anyone. I found a way to enjoy my time on the bus just by looking outside of the rectangular window. I saw trees, houses, cars, people, dogs, and more buildings, etc. Sometimes I would make-believe in my mind that I was a super hero and I did amazing things for the earth. I loved nature and many different aspects about it. I wanted the trees to come back, and I wanted people to stop hurting it. So I imagined I was standing outside on the road and as I strained to lift my hands up, vines and vegetation started to rumble beneath the road, breaking the pavements and grow everywhere. Yeah, it was just a dream.

I grew up thinking about doing many things inside of my head, only because I couldn't do much in the real world. Somehow, most people who grew up in a family or society where there are a lot of expectations and perhaps even neglect of the individual, he/she would most likely build and live momentarily in his/her own fantasy. I felt happier in there only because I knew that I could be a someone. Supposedly, everyone wants to be noticed one way or another and to be acknowledged of their accomplishments. For me, I think I acted like I had no such desire, but that's maybe because no one really cared to ask. On the contrary, I could have hidden this part of me had someone asked me about it; but it's probably because I think my idea or world of imagination is stupid to express verbally. Nevertheless, I believe that sometimes these desires do trickle out and become manifested in the little things that they do every day, such as an artwork.

I'm thinking now that if people have had such dreams when they were younger (maybe not anything similar to mine but dreams nonetheless), they are probably wanting to do something about the things around them. Society has long chosen things that are deemed as acceptable. But acceptable as they may be in appearance, I wonder how it will be in the long run for the children who are growing up. I keep hearing that dreams are important to have and many psychologists have even tried to study the meaning of dreams. I suppose this is where you can do your own digging in order to find your own personal truth.

I wonder how many times I have believed a lie. It's possibly that there are too many to count or even bother remembering. People say that I am gullible and I suppose that I've been that way growing up. I'd readily put trust on someone I hardly know. But then again, I believe in too many things. So I guess without further ado, I must be like other people and reel in that trust line of mine. It's probably not safe to keep getting hurt because you choose to trust too many things that people say. For my own sake, I did do just that. I haven't stop believing though--I'm more cautious in who I deal with (unfortunately, it's still somewhat of a struggle for me). I don't like being that way though, but it's something I've learned from society.

I don't know. I read in one of the mini booklets that purposely describes the works of God that as human beings we're always looking to change the world or to shape it for the better. I guess that makes sense. It does to the extent that we want to do a lot. Well, after all, we each have a brain, and these brains of ours are really good thinkers.

I think what I'm really trying to get at is believe in yourself. These things that were a part of you as a child appeared for a reason. We each have a desire in how we would like to change things within society, but first don't forget who you are. Serve to know yourself throughout your life-long years.

So far, I've been trying my best to believe in myself. It took a lot to see potential where all I ever saw was worthlessness. I believed in those expectations and those criticisms from friends, family, teachers, relatives, and strangers. Society can only influence so much of you until you feel like you're only role playing and that you don't know who you really are anymore. I find that scary. In this stage of my life, I am still confused about my identity, so if I was blocked from being who I want to be, then I don't know how my mind could possibly handle that sort of pressure.

For me, the best thing that I can think of is to handle one thing at a time. I'm not in a rush (since I can't really go anywhere at this moment). I have to believe that the truth will somehow uncover itself to me one way or another. I heard this having been said before, and I think I will say it here: You are beautiful. Though you may not believe in this, it could be a start to how you perceive the word beautiful and its connotations. Do you believe all that society tells you? Or will you begin to believe that you are beautiful? So what if you have a lot of acne (like me), or that you have oddly-shaped fingernails, or that you like bugs because you think they're cool, or that you like to sing in the shower, or that you like to bake because it's calming to the soul, or that you like to dance in the rain......? Well, you get the idea.

I wonder if you realize that being different is a blessing part of life. I feel different all the time, compared to my peers; but they probably feel different compared to me. Maybe that is because we are! Ever thought of that at least? After all, although I understand that you have a completely different life-story than my own, we still somehow convolute to the same sort of thoughts and feelings. Society has been strong in its teachings, and through society we have built relationships. This is the best part about it, because though odd as we each might be in our own perfectly unique ways, there's no shame to expressing the kind of person we might be. You need to believe that the people who truly loves you and know you will understand your ways; that is, they can also be forgiving.

Oh, the world is a fun(ny) place to live in. It is quite amusing when you think about things like this but in multiple perspectives. It would help you to some truth, rather than believing only one side to life and never experiencing the others. I really have to stop thinking like I want to be the ideal person that others might expect out of me, either out of other people's good intentions or bad, so that I can become the ideal person that I'm meant to be. Therefore, start listening to all sides of a story before coming to a conclusion. I've been doing that and it has helped a lot sometimes to just be still physically (although your mind might be actively raging like a thunderstorm). Well, anyway, I think that's what a good detective might do. :)

I Was Looking Through Some Old Stuff In My Inbox And Found This Forwarded Message By A Friend Who Is No Longer With Us; I Would Like To Forward This Message To You

LADIES!!! Remember....a  layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

'A  house  becomes a home  when you can write 'I love you' on thefurniture.'

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure  things were just perfect - 'in case someone came over'
Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all  out living life and having fun! NOW,  when people visit, I  don't have to explain  the 'condition'  of my home  They  are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing  while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven't  figured this out yet, please heed this advice. 
Life  is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must ............  but  wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter,  bake  cookies or a cake  and  lick the spoon or plant a seed,  ponder  the difference between want and need?Dust  if you must,  but  there's not much time . . . . with  beer to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb  ,  music  to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.  
Dust  if you must,  but  the world's out there with the sun in your eyes,  the  wind in your hair, a  flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This  day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must  ,  but  bear in mind,  old  age will come and it's not kind. . And  when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more  dust!  

Share  this with all the wonderful women in your life. I  JUST DID. It's  not what you gather,  but  what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.


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This message made me smile. This friend of mine had tried her best to spread even the little things that seemed to make her smile and happy. I know that through these bits of knowledge, she is really thanking God for all that he has given to her. I believe that when she forwarded this message it is one of her ways to show appreciation and to let others understand the beauty to life that God has created for each and everyone of us. Likewise, when I really delighted over a little story, picture, joke, etc., I'd like to share what I found. I mean, it's obvious that if something can impress you, you might believe that it could impress others too. Well, at least give it a try and you can find out whether or not you and that person have common interests. 


It's good to share. I know that much now. 

Lent 2011 Is About The Idea of Worth, or Better Yet, Worthlessness

So I'm thinking about fasting. I received a PDF from a friend about lent fasting. You know, I always wanted to do this sort of thing. This certainly would make me feel like I'm doing this for a good cause. There's nothing really bad about fasting; it's just that maybe you would have to find a way to get to the food that you need to eat and sacrifice the foods that you used to eat (such as meat, and well, many other tasty treats). Only fruits, vegetables, and water will suffice. Hope this all goes well. I enjoy drinking water on a daily basis anyway, so that won't change too much for me. I wonder if I can get some milk though; I need more calcium. Other than that, this will definitely be a challenge as I try to be more healthy and pray during the day so that I be more humble. I hope that I will get closer to God and build the relationship that I've been yearning for since the start of this school year.

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Worthlessness to me is feeling as though we're incapable, inadequate, incomplete, unfruitful, disgusting, shameful, unwanted, shunned, detested, invaluable, and lastly, not worthy of God's love or anyone for that matter.

From Dictionary.com, "worthless" means:
–adjective

without worth;  of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing: a worthless person; a worthless contract.

I see a key word here that I keep hearing over and over again through worth, and that word is "value". I learned something yesterday that as people we often place value on objects. This response to objects often leads us to judge and place value on other people as well. I'm sure every one of us can think of a time when we value a person or when we devalue them. Worse comes to worse, we would put a price on them. Think about those who have been enslaved. The United States history tells us of the slave trade and the horrific aftermath as war and racial differences burst out into violence. Worth. Are you worth more because of your skin color? Well, guess what, my skin color tells me that I can stay in the sun longer than most other fair skin people. Yeah.... I guess you could say that I'm worth more. Okay, I'm totally joking around. I know how most people think when it comes down to this issue of racism and prejudices. I've been there before. I am Asian, but I am no different from a "white", "black", "brown" or "red" person. I find it sort of amusing to call each group a color. I'm GREEN! Well, I wish I was green--that's like my favorite color. :)

Anyway, I listened to a friend speak just yesterday about worth. He advices the young group of individuals, as we were all sitting around in a ring of chairs, that we are worth more than we can ever believe ourselves to be. After all, we are worth so much that Jesus died on the cross just for us! I never got to personally know him, but wow, that blows me away to know that he died for people like you and me. He did it for everyone and he never thought about your skin color or background when died on the cross. We are all human beings. Aren't we? (I hope I'm not the alien that the UFO so fondly speaks of.) I think my friend is right here when he says that we are more worthy than we can ever believe ourselves to be. On a daily basis, we listen to people around us and are oftentimes influenced by what they say or do. For example, I know that when I hear someone talk about how their exam grade was really high, I begin to judge myself and value my worth based on my grade--which I look to to explain my class performance. As a result, I don't feel very good afterwards and look at myself as "worthless". I placed value on myself through my letter or number grade. That's rough. But don't you hear people say that "It's not over" or how "It's only the beginning"? Well, from experience I can tell you that I am very hard on myself, but I still keep going, because I understand that I can overcome one poor grade. I have had many poor grades so far in my life--either that may be in school or out of school. In other words, I mean to say that I have received negative criticisms before (and I'm sure everyone has been through it). We start to devalue ourselves because of what people say, or of a letter grade. Some people cannot stand the upsetting news and this results to a violent pathway in their life. Don't give up. Please, don't. If you can't find reasons as to why you shouldn't give up, then start speak up and ask around or stay still and observe those who are more unfortunate than you. Seek out the truth and you will find light.

I was having a very hard time trying to deal with a personal issue on sexuality yesterday. I tell you these things because I am aware of its effects, so do not judge me, but read on and listen to what your heart is telling you. I don't know about you, but I believe that it is a big issue that we all face every day as we encounter all types of advertisements decreeing our worth in the name of physical appearances. I've actually been pulling in and out of God's grasp. I really want Him but I have all these earthly desires that is keeping me away from Him. The thing that helped me immensely as I was trying to hold onto my sanity was when I decided to read about sex trafficking. This slave trade is ever growing and a plethora of people are suffering because of it; families are destroyed; deaths arises; and many dreams faded or are lost. I even read or listened to the fact that half of the people that are bought and sold consist of children. That is scary. Children are not meant to be slaves. I also read about the women as young as seventeen years of age who were stolen from their own home and forced to have sex with many men (where 10-13 men a day was considered normal!) Normal??! How? Did these women asked to be deprived of their virginity or their dignity for that matter? Why are we as a society so enclosed to only physical and bodily concerns? Why do we focus so much on pleasure even when they are only momentary? Drugs are the same thing. We are so hooked onto these pleasurable feelings that the brain gives off through the actions of many hormones and neurotransmitters. Well, if life is basically just about getting what you want through sex then yeah, a lot of people will get hurt. This is a form of corruption and whoever supports the slave trade or are responsible for it knows that this is true. Many lives have been made miserable. Only a few have survived or even made a life for themselves after their recovery. 

Through all of these readings, I learned something. The difference between looking at porn or thinking of/listening to sexual activities and defining each person's worth, and the sex trafficking IS the presence of TRUTH or the lack thereof. Truth is important, especially when people are searching for change in society through all of its corruptness. Think about Martin Luther King, Jr. He stood for truth as he fought against discrimination and injustices. What about Mahatma Ghandi? MLK followed Ghandi's footsteps. From reading Ghandi's biography, I understand that he fought against all sorts of injustices through the practice of satyagraha, which means "truth force". Why use truth to battle against these sort of evils? There's a reason, and it's a powerful one: the truth is light. It breaks up and scatters the darkness, because the truth will spread and it will be heard even if you don't want to hear about it--even if you don't want to know of it. 

Through history, it is shown that many people have tried to lie to protect themselves, but you know what, these lies can never protect you. You may have avoided any public humility but inside of your hearts, there is great shame and guilt. Believe me, I understand that very well. Your mind can become your worst nightmare. I'm still trying to cope with mine, clean it through the Words of God, and find my happiness in life as I continue to build my relationship with my Father.

I ask one thing: Challenge yourself to give up something earthly and see how that will change you.

God bless you! <3

Rambling

I don't think that I can sleep very well tonight. I took a nap 3 hours ago and recently woke up, and made some food. It's now 3:34AM from my computer. I haven't been very aware with the time today. I know that it changed to be one hour ahead. Well, I don't know much of a difference one hour will make but most people are complaining about the change.

Anyway, I don't know if I can sleep just yet. I'd like to write about my day with the teens at the shelter. I have to say that it was a really amazing experience. I wish I could get to know these teenagers better. They each went through a lot. I see great potential in them though. Each of them truly has something to give. They're not nobodies. They are all somebodies. I hope that I would get more chances with them in any way that I can.

I should work harder so that I can find more time to do things for people while also myself. I wonder if that is possible.

I like this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_pnFhFjNtY&feature=relmfu
It's what I'm listening to right now. I love that she can sing about something that people talk about all the time but seem to kind of stop because they no longer believe in themselves and their dreams.

Sometimes I think too much that I do belittle myself and then I don't want to open my mouth anymore because I believe that nothing good can come out of it. Are my expectations still way too high for me to handle? Why do I keep speaking for someone else? Do I even understand what they were thinking of me? I wish someone could keep telling me that it's okay to be wrong and that it's okay to make up stories once in a while. I don't mean to lie. I have such a bad memory. I wonder if I am losing it. I want to be a kid again. I want to relax and fool around like I used to. I didn't have to think much of anything else and I wouldn't have to worry about what people thought of me. There was no need. I had my own world of make-believe. I lived in my own fantasy world. I'm really good at imagining events and how things could be. I can "see" things inside of my head.

God,
Though today I said that I know you believe in me and my worth, I am feeling unworthy right now. I look at other more unfortunate people and I say that they need you more than I do. I think that I'm okay--at least I think so. But in my heart, I don't think that I can do anything without you. I want to hold your hand, because I still am only a child. I need some comfort.

Please, I need help. Could You take away my unpleasant thoughts? Maybe they are not that unpleasant but I can't seem to concentrate or do anything productive. Sorry. It's my fault, I know. I am responsible for these thoughts that come into my head. But God, maybe I'm just acting this way because I know that I need You greatly in my life. Maybe I'm being so dependent on You because I see you as my Savior.

I guess I should sleep soon. I know how lack of sleep can hurt me mentally.

Father, thank you for today.

A Revelation

Yesterday was probably one of the greatest days of my life. I got to talk to my dad without feeling anything against him. I see that as an accomplishment, because I want to look forward to building my relationship with him. I am certain that that's what I want now. At least I want to show him that I won't give up on him as his daughter--that he's still my father. 

I have decided that when I get my phone (because the one that I broke like a month or so ago), I will get a cheap one or one that will not be too sophisticated. I realized how involved we become with our phones and it's interesting to finally realize that business people do exploit human being's curiosity and basically their human nature. Instinctively, we are impressed by flashing lights, and buttons that lead to rewards (such as play station games where you are having fun). After having lived without a phone for a month, I believe that I can start a simple life--one that won't create too much chaos for me. In addition, though the world may be changing, we don't have to change completely with it. We could change, however, innately. It's a choice that we all can make. So, my dad will probably give me the 100 dollars to replace my phone (which before I had an iphone 3gs) but I'll probably spend some of the money on the phone. The rest will stay in my pocket so that whenever I'm hungry I'll use that money! Being in college in general can really take a lot of out you as you suffer from over-studying and under-eating. I haven't asked much from my dad, and I was glad that he could agree to give me that amount of money. Well, I guess I will get to see how things should work out with my new phone. I'm ready to experience and try it out! I'll probably report it back on my blog....like after the school year ends, I think.

What I actually wanted to get at was my so-called "revelation". I never saw this before, but I guess because of my woosh of thoughts, I believe I have come to finally see that the Ten Commandments are so, incredibly important. First of all, it IS proof of God's love. Why? I'll tell you why. If you can think of Him as your Father, you will understand where I'm coming from. Parents give us restriction out of love. Wouldn't you agree? Of course you could disagree, but parents usually want the best for their children so they impose rules. How about the government? Okay, I could say the same thing. The government wants people to follow a set of regulations so that things become more orderly, and usually it's for the sake of society. There are some good implications to laws. Well, back to the Ten Commandments. Do you believe that He loves you? Perhaps some of you might not think so or are too uncertain to agree at the moment. For me, I believe that He loves me. The reason is that He could condemn us just because we are sinners. However, the opposite occurred. He brought the Ten Commandments (which appeared from the story of Moses going up to the mountain and coming down with the stone plaques with His words written on them) so that there would be order. I believe that it is for our sake, because He loves us. When we choose to follow it, we start to see the good things of life. 

For example, something that has given me hope was the commandment of "honoring my parents". I didn't understand how to "honor" them or even if I did, why should I bother? Do I even need to? I think that the answer is, yes. Who do you believe that it would benefit more when you actually learn to honor your parents? Will it be your parents or you? From experience, I say that it is me; my parents will only benefit on the side. I chose to honor them through my actions and my words, and it has helped me to build my character. I respect them more, and I think about them more. Not only that, but I see it as a rewarding experience where I get to understand better the meaning of love. Before, I could tell you that I knew nothing of love. I didn't have love in my life. My parents did not understand the meaning of it either. What is that word that you keep hearing people say to each other all the time whenever they like someone--LOVE.. love?.... I love you... Do you? 

We've come from a world that knows of the existence of love, but unfortunately not all can experience the beauty of love. The other day, I was in the car with a bunch of friends. One of my friend was contemplating about love and how it sucks. Okay, yes, there are sucky "love", but there is a wonderful beauty to love too. I feel that the Ten Commandments will help you find true love--whether that would be with your spouse, friends, parents, sisters, brothers, or strangers. 

Love is so powerful. I remember that when I was sitting on my bed (this was during my freshman year on the livingston campus) and I felt empty. I didn't understand what I was missing. I had a gap in my heart. I felt that my father did not love me; I felt that my mom could not understand me; I felt that my friends cannot be there for me; I felt that relationships were dissatisfying. When I thought that I was drowning in sadness and that feeling of emptiness, I began to feel love. This was after I cried out to Him. I said that I wanted Him in my life and that I need Him. I don't know how to describe to you what really happened, but I began to feel. Tears flowed from my eyes. It was a blessing moment, because understood then that His love is everlasting and unconditional. That was what I was looking for even if it was unconsciously. I wanted that unconditional love. I wanted people to not reject me anymore simply through my actions; I wanted people to see me for me; I wanted to know that I will have a second chance no matter how many mistakes that I make. I wanted to be happy, and I thought only real love could suffice. 

With at least knowing a bit about love and starting that part of my life with Him, I know that through Him I can begin to manifest my own love. I don't believe that this sort of thing is something that you can keep or hold in and selfishly say that only you can have love. No. It's much more powerful than that, and it will spread like the ocean waves. It will carry people and help them stay afloat the currents. They will know love. If this is the case, then why not build this shelter together? We are all human beings who will have their darkest moments in life, but this does not mean that anyone should stand through everything on their own. Look to your right. Now look to your left. Who do you see? More faces; more lives; more stories. We need to do this together.

I want to add that He has helped me greatly through my personal concerns and daily turmoils. I wish that He will do the same for you, even if you do not believe in Him. I hope that you will know love when you finally experience it. If you don't, I'd like to help you out if I can. I'd like to be your friend. I really want to see people happy and for them to find the support that they need whenever they are feeling down. 

You don't need to take my word on anything that I say, but see for yourself what the Ten Commandments might mean. Understand who sent it down to earth and perhaps why in the world we would need them in the first place. 

Oh, I think that I think just too, too much

As soon as I put a significance on something, I know that it will continue to haunt me as I lay down thinking about it. Just because the guy that you used to like is now talking to you doesn't mean anything. Just because he gives you a song, the way that he used to....Well, it shouldn't mean anything. After all, I can't keep thinking about the past and believe that things are the same. I should simply be grateful that I even get to talk to a someone that I thought I would lose.

God, sometimes I don't quite understand the people that you bring into my life, but I suppose they are for good reason. I don't know how I will be able to keep talking to people though. Sometimes I feel a bit boring or introverted. I mean I talk to people, but sometimes there are times when I cannot understand them and so cannot relay back what they might want to hear me say. I stumble at finding the right sort of words all the time.

My head is not too clear yet. It's still somewhat murky. I probably need one of those clean wipes or something to wipe away the fog. Let me be patient though. I need to learn patience, because I believe through patience there is discipline.

I'm Tired

I really am very tired of feeling stuck in this cycle of mine. I try to motivate myself into doing "good" but sometimes even that tires me out. Somewhere along the line, I probably am not thinking enough about my own health or well being. Yeah, I believe that much. I realize that I'm not a very good writer but I try to express what I know to be true.

Lately, I have foregone any days with my Christian friends or days where I could probably have a moment where I could dwell in his words. Though it is not obvious that I have been reading the Bible, but I am--at least to some extent. I am beginning to cherish Jesus's story and how he came down to reveal to us the power of the Almighty God. I pray that through his words, I will be able to find my place in life (at least in the meantime) so that I will feel happier with myself. I am tired--tired because I have too many expectations. God did not expect me to follow him or love him back, but he did expect me to believe in him. I believe in him. I want to walk where he has walked. I want to see from the eyes of the poor, the weak, the helpless, the hurt, the despised, the unworthy, etc. Let me be able to understand these types of people. I'm tired of being selfish, proud, loathing, angered. Can I open up my heart enough to feel some pain and know that it will be okay? Show me Lord that in you I am forever loved. I feel like that is so important in my life. It give me values as I grow to live in love and because of love, I can forgive. Because of love, I can pray. Because of love, I am able to know You. Do you understand just how much that means to me? I know...that I can love. I can feel; and I want to feel. Then...why do I complain? Am I complaining? Do I have the right to complain? I do not have an answer for that.

God,
One day, when I am grown up just a bit more, I'd like to know that you will always be there for me throughout my years. Let me be ready for the things to come. Teach me all that I should learn. I'd gladly accept and abide by your terms. I have tried, Lord, to become the person that I am now but I know that this is not the end. It is only the beginning. I would give you my back to carry you anywhere that you would dare me to go. I am passionate for your love. One day, I wish to show as many people through my words and actions that they can live through love, too. No more bitter days; no more resentments.

Somehow one of my primary goals is to love my dad, no matter what he has done or is doing to me or to anyone else. I'd like to show him that I can love and that it is stronger than anything the world has ever known to experience. I'd like to show my sisters that though they may be yelling back at me, I will humbly tell them what I want to get across without yelling back at them. I'm tired. Like I said, I'm tired.

My mom has given me enough lessons about life. I'd like to start making some choices on my own but with Your permission, of course. Please, Lord, my heart is yearning to do carry out Your will. I want to do so much for the people around me. The hardest thing for me is to turn that around so that I could look to myself first. Lord, guide me as I am trying to grow every single day.

Amen.