Completely Enthralled

I'm trying to read an article on Clive Wearing, and I feel anxious. I think it's because I think something may be too long and that I'm not sure if I am capable of understanding what I am reading. But I keep thinking about facebook or some way to vent something out of me. I feel so disturbed that I cannot even read properly or comprehend what it is that I am reading. This is annoying!

I hate that people put money first. I hate that children have to go to through all different types of suffering because their parents think about themselves more. Sacrifices....what does it mean to sacrifice?

OK. Back to the article. Anyway, a really nice conversation was held between Clive and his wife, Deborah. They're a really cute couple together, because though they have difficulties trying to hold onto one another with what they have, they still do so. Basically, this guy cannot remember about his past and has nothing about his present either. So he lives in seclusion every few mins or so, because he cannot recall anything about his life or even when he last woke up; he thinks he is awaken every time he literally cannot remember anything. It's very sad. But he's scared, too, and very confused. I would be scared. He feels like he's dead every time he becomes "awaken" again. It makes me wonder just how interesting life is. I mean, what life really is, or just how incredibly fragile. So fragile. So fragile.. hmm.
Conversation between Clive and Deborah:
 “Have they found life on Mars yet?”
“No, darling, but they think there might have been water . . .”
“Really? Isn’t it amazing that the sun goes on burning? Where does it get all that fuel? It
doesn’t get any smaller. And it doesn’t move. We move round the sun. How can it keep
on burning for millions of years? And the Earth stays the same temperature. It’s so finely
balanced.”

This quote is pretty interesting:

"The hearing of a melody is a hearing with the melody. . . . It is even a condition of
hearing melody that the tone present at the moment should fill consciousness entirely,
that nothing should be remembered, nothing except it or beside it be present in
consciousness. . . . Hearing a melody is hearing, having heard, and being about to hear,
all at once. . . . Every melody declares to us that the past can be there without being
remembered, the future without being foreknown."

The reason why I mention the quote above is because there is something about the way melody is described that I feel that music is connected to God. Either music or rhythm. Something about rhythm indicates life, it breathes out life. Life cannot prosper without something heaving or moving. Action. There is action taking place. Takes place now. Future or past, it is with us presently.

I really want to talk about this:  It is the “now” that bridges the abyss. The guy Clive Wearing does not remember anything and he feels like he's lost in the the abyss. But something obviously pulls him back and awakens him. It is love and music. Love.. his love for his wife allows him to 'continue'. This to me is brilliant and incredibly wonderful. Blessed are those who know love. Blessed are those who can feel again. Blessed is the light in which we wake into. Blessed are those who can continue.

I don't know why, but Clive's story intrigues me so much. There is something about what he's going through that summons a belief that it out of a human being's capacity to understand. God are you there? Where are you?

I know that I'm rambling. Jumping from word to word. Thinking. This is crazy.

Here is the entire paragraph from which I took the 'now' quote from:
It has been twenty years since Clive’s illness, and, for him, nothing has moved on. One
might say he is still in 1985 or, given his retrograde amnesia, in 1965. In some ways, he
is not anywhere at all; he has dropped out of space and time altogether. He no longer has
any inner narrative; he is not leading a life in the sense that the rest of us do. And yet one
has only to see him at the keyboard or with Deborah to feel that, at such times, he is
himself again and wholly alive. It is not the remembrance of things past, the “once” that
Clive yearns for, or can ever achieve. It is the claiming, the filling, of the present, the
now, and this is only possible when he is totally immersed in the successive moments of
an act. It is the “now” that bridges the abyss.

Is everyone here on Earth struggling to find a continuum as we all speak? Apparently a lot of people on this earth do, since they try to make up their own reasons for why they are living. Our culture fills us with material things, and I do not need to explain this to anyone, because I know that everyone is using something to make their lives easier. We have technology. We want to continue.... right? I  mean, we must want to or else we would not dare to stop eating/finding food, dressing ourselves the way that we want to for warmth or style, finding/meeting people so that we don't feel so along.....etc.

I don't know why, but I'm enthralled.

Stressed for finals.

I'm stressed. Really stressed. I don't know how else to express it because I feel like I'm on my own. What if I could imagine everyone studying along side with me? I would still feel alone because we're all trying to get our own individual grades and how we perform on the exams will detail how we do overall in the class. Yeah, I admit it. I am scared. God, you are first and will always be first in my life. For me to know what your plans are for me, I must try my best to do well. I cannot and should not slack. That's all. God, I give you control. Please bless me at this time to complete and do well and learn things with my work. Thank you. Amen.

Let Me Vent

I feel very uneasy. Let me vent.

I want to study for my neurobio exam by going over the lecture notes as many times as possible for the exam starts next Wednesday. I am not too concerned, because I know that I still have some time to study for it. Then, I keep thinking about other classes and how my incomplete work for Spanish and Physics will somewhat deter my focus and energy into what I am supposed to be doing now - that is, studying for neurobio.

I think my forebrain is huge. It feels blocked often. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because I do not want to think or something. Anyway, I keep thinking about the group and people like Oliver, Kevin and Matt. They're the three guys that I feel like I can trust. They're really something - all of them. I want to make time for them, the group, and basically, for God.

Today has been most interesting. I woke up early at 7 AM just to write my 12-paged paper. Not to mention, I slept around 3 AM. NICE, huh. Well, today was also the Christmas Dinner for IV and I chose not to go because I wanted to keep doing work. I have already spent so much time doing other things, and I do know my limits. I'm not suppose to keep my mind constantly occupied with things. I want to relax and feel like I can get something accomplished.

Yes, God has put me on this Earth to do something. I do believe that I have a purpose on this Earth. I believe that I am here to help people find themselves and get closer to God. I cannot do that without knowing and understanding myself first. I'm so totally amazed with the people of IV. They have shown me a kind of gentleness that I don't usually see from people; and a willingness to love others for who they are. I'm glad. Truly glad. Thank you, God for a blessed environment such as Rutgers, full of people and diversity. We have a community here but we need to take advantage of all its goodness. Lord, I began to understand that after my first year of college. I could see that there was just so many opportunities available, and it was up to me to keep an open mind.

Lord, I want to be an inspiration to people and to myself. I want to be a person who encourages. I want to be able to speak with the Holy Spirit guiding my tongue. I tend to blabber on a lot about different things. I hope that one day I will feel like I can really fit in somewhere. At least, to have a place so that I do not keep on looking for another place. I think I want to be found by now. Lord, find me once again. I am sorry that I have turned away from you through my evil, hypocritical thoughts and sins.

You have died on the cross. Why is it that when something is repeated it becomes old? Should it become old? I mean we're suppose to feel replenished in hearing something so wonderful, right? Jesus DIED for us. What's not BIG about that? I think it also has to do with the way that I feel. When I tend to talk too much about my personal ongoing issues to other people. I hear myself as being redundant and then I think that I'm complaining. But am I? What does it mean to complain? I am grateful, though, for the things that I have and more. I think the way that I feel about something being redundant is because of what society teaches us - that we're always suppose to go after anything that is new, big, bold, colorful, expensive, etc. Yes, we're taught a lot of things, but it's up to us to filter out the bad from the good. I know now that God is good, and so I must filter out everything else that is not Him.

I must love Him by placing Him first in my life. It is a challenge, but why should it stop us? Every day has always been a challenge and has been since the start. Don't stop now. Keep on reaching out.

O Holy One

Holy One

How empty I feel. But how motivated I am to fill up this emptiness through "doing something".

You lift me up,
Holy One
Holy One

Dear Lord,
I won't give up. But I still need assistance. You know more than I do what it is that I want. I can make things up as I go, but to act upon how I feel I would like to open my mouth more to create, just like how I can use my hands to create. It's strange though how I keep imagining myself sitting down and writing (or is it drawing) whenever I feel like I should be alone or overwhelmed. There's something relieving about using my hands. I need to figure out what that means though, because I'm not sure if I understand it yet.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that "What if you tried to put God first in all that you do, but fill up the 'extra time' that you have to do 'other things,' such as homework or time for classes". I don't think I understand that too well. I think that if I did, I would have maintained the Sabbath. It's weird how I want to do good, but have hesitated so frequently that I've become nothing more than a hypocrite. Maybe that is a strong fear of mine, that people will come to think that I'm only a fake, a hypocrite, a liar - that I cannot say anything and perform them as readily.

I said that I wanted a community, but I am pushing people away. I think I push them away because I am also afraid of losing what I have gained so far. Therefore, I do know what it is that I have and the abundance of opportunities that have been granted to me. It's just...can I manage? Man. God seriously blessed me. But I have been so wildly confused that I keep questioning Him and all that is good.

How is it that I have come to question the thing that I wanted to be so much a part of? I want to be around good Christians who keep their faith, make friendships with a variety of people, and even accept various people for who they are. I care for people. Yet, I am somewhat prideful. I think I have pride. Interestingly enough, I do not have so much confidence. Maybe I'm beginning to see what it means to be prideful. A lot of people saw my humbleness before. I think what they saw was me creating for myself a sense of worthlessness that appeared humble. Or maybe I'm thinking too negatively again. What does it mean to be humble? How can I become more aware of the difference between being prideful and confident? I must continue to work on this.

Lord, I have gained so much freedom because I see when I am judging someone else. Yes, it is still there, but it has become much easier to change a situation by soothing out complicated feelings. Lord, you are all that is good. I must believe. I must continue to cherish You for who You are. Lord, thank You. I apologize for turning away from you. I think that I am still standing on sand at the moment with a few rocky pebbles underneath me to help support me from sinking. However, I would like to stand on stone, become firm in my thoughts and understanding, so that I do not roll and wash away like the ocean waves. I want to soar. Hmm, that's a nice thought. It is.

1pm

I still daydream. I think it has helped me to get back to where I need to be. I think that my purpose somewhere in life is to keep being a "kid" so that I can reach out to more people. Yes, I am still somewhat timid, but because of my sense of awareness, I tend to contradict who I actually am. I think that the reason why I'm almost always confused is because I would side one way at a certain moment in time and then change it to something else entirely new. Yeah, I am strange. But I think that that is okay, too.

I was actually thinking about how inside of myself, I can imagine myself being a little kid who is crying out to her daddy to love her, but because he does not really react in a loving way in reality, I think that this is where I have become numb to "feelings". I have been asking a lot of people about love, and God's love for me. I have also asked about faith through keeping the Sabbaths. But I think no matter how many times I try to ask or understand, I feel like I cannot understand. My questions are not right. There is something missing...

Thinking for myself is something that I need to keep working on. But I believe that I need to speak up more so that I do not offend anyone. I have constantly been afraid of getting on the wrong foot, but that has put me on the more reserved side. I am so aware that it drives me crazy.

What is weird is that I have become less in thought. I think that it is good that I do not think so much anymore, but I have had many blank moments where I just do not know what to say or forget so frequently that I make myself mad. It wasn't always like this for me. God, there are so many possibilities of change. May you teach me what change is right for me. I am in control of only my actions, and I think that that is it. I think that's a good thing, though, because at least I have more of a responsibility and hold onto the meaning of this sense of power you have granted to me.

It Rained A Lot Today

Something that I would like to do is to get my work done first of all. I have a group presentation tomorrow on Occupy Wall Street. I think I am pretty excited for that. I really like my group. They're really nice people and I have enjoyed working with them. I have to keep learning and reminding myself not to judge another person. I know that I have some stereotypical influences about me and I would look at a person a specific way, but I'm going to have to learn how to stop doing that.

But yeah, tonight is the night to get a lot of things done! I would like to be productive and to stop fidgeting so much. Silence is much needed in my life. The more I think about other things, though, I will become more distracted. I hope to get past these thoughts of mine. Thank you, Lord, for providing for me. Thank you, for believing in me. I'm thrilled to have you as my Heavenly Father--my one and only.

Where Does My Confidence Lie?

3 weeks left before final exams are over and I can go home for Winter Break. 3 weeks left before I can say that "I have nothing to do". 3 weeks before torture... 

I mean why say until 3 weeks will I have to face my torture of examinations? I already am torturing myself at the moment with the way that I feel. I have had some set-backs that is making me question all that I've been doing. For example, I did so horribly on my group project for Spanish class that I'm not sure what to expect as a grade from that class anymore. I'm afraid that I have shoved away all the opportunities by not studying enough. My mind always inquires "how should I be studying?" when, really, I've done more questioning than trying to do the work itself. I realize that I have been too care-free with my time. I talk so blatantly to people about things that I feel like will not really help me or anyone else. I'm always thinking about other people, or if not that then about immoral things. I should try to control that part of myself more often. It's weird that when I think about these things do I begin to think about my father, whom I still call "father". I wonder if he deserves this title still or at all? I guess everyone deserves something, but deserving means that the person must have done something so great that it would be hard to say no to them. I don't think he deserves to see my family. He doesn't deserve very much because he doesn't seem to want to change. 

Anyway, I've seriously been going to too many Christian-related events. I feel overwhelmed because of it. Sometimes, I'm not even sure what I'm doing. Maybe I should start saying, "Yes, I am sure". In this way, I could have more confidence in what it is that I end up doing. Having a social life is necessary but there needs to be a limit in how much I should be around people. I don't always feel very comfortable. Sometimes, I don't even like being around people and just want to be left alone. 

There have been times when I wish I could concentrate better on my own without relying so much on people. I seem to say yes to too many things, and I end up kind of regretting it. Like yesterday, I ended up staying over to a friend's place, because I thought that I could study there much more easily with people. That didn't work out though. I should start to learn that no one is ever going to look out for me; I need to do this on my own and learn this now. 

I need to say "Yes" to more of my school work than to the events "out there". YES, I am confident in what I do. YES, I can get a good grade as long as I study and put a lot of time and effort into it. YES, I WILL overcome and no one or anything can stop me from getting what it is that I deserve. I am important enough to do things my way without having to fear constantly other people's feelings and what it is that they might think. I don't want to stay cooped up in fear. It is unfair for me. 

Dear God, please let me not take anything for granted, even the schoolwork and all that I have to learn at this moment in time. I don't want to destroy the opportunity presented to me as a college student. I want to include a lot of things in my life, but Lord, please show to me the things that I need when I need it most for I am dependent on your wisdom. I am still a child. But I yearn to keep going and learn under your Grace. Thank you, God.

My Final Good-Byes.

I don't think I can write in this blog anymore. All that I have managed to share here will remain. It just seems to me that the more that I try too hard to do something, the worse that something will become. Essentially, I don't want to push myself into doing anything that I know I cannot do anymore--which is writing in this blog. It doesn't suit me to do it anymore. Perhaps this is just another phase of life for me. It was a good experience having written out my feelings, thoughts, and desires; and most of them came from sad but also my hopeful self. Well, whatever I learned, I know that I will never be alone in any situation. And if I ever find myself thinking too much--or wayy much more than my brain can handle--then I know I should chillax and let the little things go.

I feel like this is a time to let things settle down and not force everything all at once in hope that something will work out. From what I have seen, I need to let certain things take their own course. In the end, nothing will last but we still have to make the best of the things that we still have with us. For example, our family and our closest friends. But more importantly, our sanity needs to be kept in check. If this would help at all to write down, I think patience has done me good. Most people still have a temper in which they cannot seem to control or may find it appearing randomly at times when they wished it hadn't, but maybe they are signs in which you're not truly taking a good care of yourself. For instance, lately I haven't had much sleep at all, and it messed with my head so much that I began to feel depressed suddenly from one small situation, leading me to pitying my entire life and lifestyle. I don't know, just think about it for a bit and see if I am right or wrong.

As for my family, I am getting to know them more and more each and every day that I spend time hanging out with them; I learn so much more than I ever thought I could. I see many things that I lack. I have to accept my faults and make amends to keep learning so that I won't have to make such mundane mistakes again. I just  need more patience for myself in learning how to treat them better as my family; but I also need patience for seeing the results of our good and bad times together.

Anyhow, it was great serving and helping to serve people through blogging. I learned a great deal the past year or so. I wish every one the best. Keep a positive attitude and remember to take care of your mind and body.

God bless you! :)

Mental Block

I know what I want to talk about actually. Everyone has a mental block in which they struggle to free themselves from. If they can't, then they end up succumbing to it.

But how do I figure out what it is that I want to do when each person only confuse me more with all that they have to say? "Don't be lazy," one person says, "but you need to enjoy your life so I don't want for you to work"; "Don't be lazy," says the next person, "and you need to work to get what want in life"....

I can only do so much. I don't want to be one extreme and work like crazy without enjoying my own life; but I don't want to not do anything. It's just...people's messages have been so vague. Everyone has different interests for either themselves for the people that they care about, but still.. I don't quite understand their intentions. I can't even understand myself yet. Dang. REALLY? -___-

There is just so much for me to think about when it comes down to myself. How in the world am I able to think of other people? And yet, I keep doing the opposite thing. It's so easy for me to say, "I can always get back to you later, because right now the person that is on my mind should be tended to first." Where is the frickin' balance?

Happiness....should start with the self, right? But then, without people by your side, can that happiness endure, or will it wither?

I've come to the conclusion, however, that if you really believe in what you're chasing after, then the thing which follows it would be to really act/do/move (anything which will make your beliefs become a reality).

I have been thinking about the friend who is now in the hospital. I really wish that I could cheer him up. I know that I don't really mean much to him, especially since we've only met at least thrice or so. Talked a bit. I have an idea on what I could do for him, but it will take some time before I can make it happen. So far anything that I've done have only been thoughts. It's just that I still have a battle of my own that lies deep inside of me. I still have my mental block. I still hesitate. I still don't believe in myself as much as I should be doing. But I believe in miracles. I believe that God can help my friend. There is a reason why he cannot move his limbs, but he is still able to think. I believe that the mind is a powerful tool. He needs to believe that he can make it through this hardship. He needs to stay strong and continue to be encouraged by family and friends. He needs to believe in himself...because the hardest thing that can ever happen to anyone is becoming immobile and not knowing how to vent out the feelings embedded inside of the heart and mind. The mind must stay positive for some clarity and peace.

As I battle out my own thoughts, I hope and pray that he will too as he lies on that bed.

Everyone, take care of your head; basically, do take care of yourself. And stay strong.

Your Will To Change Lies Deep Inside

Lately, I don't know what to write, or if I should at all...

But anyway, I've just finished playing tetris. I love that game. There's something about it that attracts me, and I can play for a pretty long time if I don't know how to stop myself. I've been thinking, though, that perhaps the reason why I love the game is because there is a bit of a surprise whenever a block begins to fall down, and sometimes you have to be quick on where you would like to place them all. It's like you already know what to expect, since there are only a few number of shapes in which you are very familiar with. Interestingly enough, however, every game turns out different. Some games could take longer than the other; while there are still others which frustrates you and you just want to quit... but that's not the truth. Eventually, you do want another chance. Again, you hit the "start" button. 

All of us are looking for chances--whether it would be second, third, fourth, and even fifth chances in life--and we all need it. If not, then how could we possibly think of changing? It would suck to see everyone and everything around us change, while we only remain where we are with our bad habits and unlikable attitude towards the world. I don't believe that people cannot change, because I just can't. I want to change, and no one can stop me from doing that. I've been unclean for so long. It's time to get better. 

The more time that I spend in school, the more that I learn about my surrounding environment. I couldn't have seen the things that I do now without having been exposed to it in school. I feel that as college students now, it might be the only time to experience all the things that you wish you could as adults. 

The other day, I walked downtown and saw a woman with four children. She is Hispanic, and she has two younger daughters and a son who were all around the ages of seven to ten years old (I'm just estimating); she also has another baby which she carried wrapped around her back with some form of cloth in order to hold onto the baby. The cloth was knotted right in front of her chest and the baby was cramped up inside it from behind. I wonder.. when people look at her and her children, do they pity her? Do they want to even help her? Do they look down on her? Do they laugh inside their heads? Do they disagree? 

Oh yes. They disagree alright. Everyone stares at the woman and her children. She's so noticable. But as I look at her, she hardly cares about what other people think or how they look at her. She doesn't even have the energy to really think (or really notice as I did!) about how other people might view her. But I'm sure everyone has gone through bad situations before, and sometimes we have the majority of the people look down on us with disapproval. But there's something about this situation which makes me think.. 

I met another young man who is a college student at Princeton University studying Biochemistry, I think. He was talking to his group of Christian friends and since I was around, I ended up listening to his story. He inquired help or ways in which he should be approaching other people who taunt the Christian beliefs. The young man feels hurt that he spends most of his time around people who mock his  beliefs, and joke about it--even if they are his friends, and they don't seem to understand or give him much respect. Most people tend to see that science and religion are two separate spheres that do not technically come together and that they should remain separate. Science people look at religion and how it explains the world to be inferior to the "living" proof of fossils for evolution to chemical and technological advances. Then, another person within the group decides to speak up and say that, "Well, Jesus talk to fisherman about fish, and shepherds about sheep...."; what he means is that sometimes we need to use science to explain to man about God and his works. After all, did not God create the universe with his own mighty hands? This makes him the absolute engineer of the universe. A third friend spoke up and says "No, I don't believe that you can use science to talk to man about God--I just can't see that happening". I think I would have to agree with the third person, because even though Jesus was using metaphors to describe Heaven and earth, many people could not understand him--sometimes not even his own disciples--until it was clarified to them. I think that whatever you are good at or specialize well in, use it to help yourself communicate better with other people. After all, you know what you know best. However, when it comes down to teaching others about God and compassion, I feel like talking is doable but it's only a part of what we can do to reach out to others. Something that strikes as important to me is the belief that there is hope for change. I believe in second chances, because I want and am in need of a second chance. Through this, I know that everyone needs it. 

God allows it to be that once you receive the Holy Spirit, or the giver of life, you should allow it to manifest in all of your ways, and in all that you do. In this manner, you can reach people, no matter what race, background, beliefs, territory--it doesn't matter. I'm saying that instead of reaching people by words only, show and maintain it through your works everywhere that you go so that you can keep yourself whole, while allowing others to see that there is hope.

Did you know that we each give each other hope? I personally see my friends, my family, and the people around me to be a design of hope. I think about people in general, because I know that I do see the good and the bad things about life. But those things I cannot control, and the only thing that I can control are my own reactions. 

About the woman with four children, I looked at her and her children. I was deepened with sadness, and I had to look towards the sky. I really couldn't bear to look at the way people viewed each other. I mean, if that was my mom I was looking at, I would want to help her, you know? I can't just neglect the way she is... She's my mom. These children of hers are so young, and they cannot understand, but I feel like she's been blessed with good children. They listen to their mom and they hold hands when she tells them to. I can see the worry on her face as she makes sure that none of them gets left behind, so that they can remain by her side. That's quite a lot of burden to take on oneself. I had to ask her in broken Spanish if she works. She said no. I then asked her if she has a husband, she tells me yes. So I inquired what he worked as. Of course, I couldn't understand much, because my Spanish is pretty limited to a certain amount of vocabulary. But what I gathered was that her husband probably helps to fix the road. Nevertheless, I don't know if anyone can make that great of an income to support a wife and four children. After all, she speaks no English and was waiting at the bus stop near the train station.... I ended up giving her some money and went my way. 

To the friend who is afraid of others' judgments on his beliefs, I wish I could tell him that there is no need to. Everyone judges. I've been trying hard not to judge, but I still find myself doing it. 

Makes me smile, though, because with every mistake, and with every hardship that I go through (and that everyone goes through) I feel like it just brings us closer to God. We just have to allow for it to happen. We have to give ourselves a chance. Every life deserves a chance to break through. Amen.

Wanting the Wanted

It's funny to know that instead of worrying about God forgetting about us, especially in times of trouble, I think it's the other way around where He doesn't want us to forget about Him.

On Easter Day....

Jesus's Resurrection Changes Everything....!

Why? Because if he truly did come back from the dead, then honestly, He's alive!

He's all around us, and will constantly be with us, for death cannot stop Him from reaching to us.

God Is Love

I stayed outside late last night and sort of followed a limping cat. Maybe that was not the greatest idea but I sort of wanted to pick it up to nurture it. So anyway, that's not the point. Point is, I ended up encountering a friend from a classmate, who I've always said "Hi" to but did not know him very well or really at all because I followed the cat. Strange story, I know. I never found the cat anyway.

Basically, he and I traded knowledge. Whatever I learned, I told him. I really did. He also told me some things about himself and his perspectives, too, which I really liked and enjoyed a lot. From me, a great deal of information was thrown at him. I found myself just wanting to let him know about stuff that I think he should know so that he could view things in a different light. He ended up listening to me. You know, it's always great to have people listen to you. Problem is that I used to talk about myself in a way that whenever the conversation ended between me and that person, I would feel guilty afterwards. I think I felt that way because I tended to say things that doesn't seem true or mean very much. I truly felt that I spoke only of the irritations that I was undergoing--problems that no one could solve. I was taking up people's time, and neither me nor that person gained very much afterwards. There was nothing special about what I had to say. Yet, I realize now that I've always had problems with my mind and have tried so especially hard to fix it. I don't have any problems medically besides being allergic to dust or that I might have a heart murmur. Who knows. I don't exercise that frequently--though I know that I should.

Anyway, I started to ask him about his background, because I guess I wanted to see where he was coming from with God and his beliefs on the religion. I find myself doing that because there is no better way to get to know someone or understand God better than talking to his very creation--us and ourselves--the human beings!

He actually gave me hope because when I talked to him, his reactions interested me. I thought that they were interesting because he was so opened to listening. It was great. I've encountered very few people who share the same perspectives as me, and I think he was one of those kinds. We ended up talking for more than an hour and all that we talked of was on God. There apparently is so much to talk about when it comes down to God, and I don't need to feel awkward when I know that that person is listening; many times, we each have some understanding of life versus God which we are so compelled to share with the people around us if only they could save us some time. Lately, I haven't been able to talk to people very much--not in that way--so I was happy I could do so with him.

He tells me that he now know that he loves to talk to people, because he tends to learn a lot from them. I agree. I learned a lot from asking people, and from spending time with them discussing some topics on life. The time that I spend with these people helped me to really get a grip on reality. And even though many times we hear that God is ultimately about love, I know that he is also about knowledge. Without him, I don't think science or nature or life in general would make very much sense. Through him, I can piece things together.

I remember my roommate telling me that "you're trying so hard to figure out yourself and your identity, but I don't think I need to do that. I'm just going with the flow and living life". I didn't really say anything back to her, not in a way that would offend her, because I understand by now that I must respect the choices that she makes. The reason is that each of us are capable of understanding it in our own way--but listening is good, too. Listening helps us to see and test our way of thinking. I find that this is good, because we need to question how we think and inquire where it is that these thoughts all come from. If not, I don't know if we can spiritually or mentally move anywhere or get to greater heights in terms of appreciating life (in generally and the life in which we live) for what it really is.

My choice, however, is to figure out who I am because my all my life, I never knew. I actually don't know very much about myself, because I never gave myself the chance. This is why I must start now. I can't let these things slide past me any further. My motive to finding out who I am through God is so that I can help more people. I'm pretty sure I won't have the time to sit down and talk about God one on one with some random person or friends, but what I mean is that when you help yourself (even if you don't know of God yet), you're really doing your neighbor a favor by taking responsibility. For example, if you had a really noisy neighbor who just parties all the time or simply have a bad attitude towards people, you tend to dislike that person and would not want to trust him or her with anything that you have. Furthermore, you'd probably prefer move (out of town, city, or state!) especially if communication becomes problematic. But it doesn't need to be that way. Each of us need to begin with ourselves. I learned from talking to a professor that we are ones who can control our reactions. Before, of course, I knew that we could. But in the end, I didn't practice it at all, so when he told me that, I looked at him as if he said something so new and original. Controlling your reactions really mean that when someone verbally accuses you or that maybe they don't do something that appeals to you, you don't go and bring them down. No. You just don't. Why? Because that creates more problems, and more unnecessary violence. Trust me, we have enough (or more than enough) and it needs to end. It just has to. Like CandyLand, the piece that symbolizes you must be picked up by you; and God will help you along the way as He will bring the fortune that you so desire.

So yeah, if anything, know that you are forever loved by the Creator. He wants us to renew our minds, and for us to let Him inside of our lives. All that we need to do is invite Him in as our beloved guest into our own cozy home--no matter how disturbing or messy it may be. He doesn't look at us in a way that we tend to look at each other; He doesn't judge us in a way that we judge our friends or families; and He came down to save us--something that we need to consider. He want us to live. After all, isn't that the point in saving a life, or a soul? It may sound far-fetched that each of us means something to God, but I believe that He does love us. And if we really love Him back (just like we would any parent) we need to ourselves. After all, the body in which we dwell come from our parents, and without them, there would be no us.

So keep an open heart and mind. He's right there and is waiting to be called upon. He loves us. :)

Who's Telling You Now?

All I ever want to do was to have someone tell me what to do. Does that make me lazy, and dependent? I'm going to go with a yes and no. There is a difference between real laziness and not wanting to do anything, and for the person to not be able to take any more crap (me and my french...).

Every day that I return to my apartment, I find that I wished I knew what to do next. There are so many choices (since I can think of quite a lot that I should be studying for) but there is so little time during the day. After all, I spend most of my afternoon in class. I shouldn't complain, because my schedule isn't that bad--not as bad as most other people who have to work, or have a lot of night classes or very early morning classes. It's just that some people can handle things better. 

I only know that most people who have a difficult time organizing themselves or being "on top of things" often are affected by their moods of the day. In a sense, you could start off being really happy and immensely ready for the day, but as some unwanted things begin to pop up, it is less likely that you'll feel the same way from whence you started. 

Lately, I've seem to have suppressed my feelings more and more. It's as though I feel like talking but I just don't know about what in particular. I told my mom how I felt (and it was sort of difficult to do so) and she tells me that it's because I'm tired--that I no longer have the energy that I used to. There's a reason for that. It's not a good thing though, but it's not that bad either--at least for me. Of course, I am pained because I feel hopeless and want to cry out, but after every little phase, I get back up again. I have never experienced it like this before, but I am sure there are those who have kept their feelings and opinions to themselves more often than they can express it. I'd like for them to know that it's okay to feel hurt, and that it's okay to sometimes not be heard. But don't overlook it as if there is nothing wrong. After all, I have to keep a steady guard on how I am feeling and what sort of actions I will end up making afterwards. I have to... for my own sake.

I guess I am getting tired. Emotionally I don't know what to do at times, but I know I have to constantly remind myself that I need to keep encouraging myself to work hard. I don't believe that anything can come to you unless you really work hard for it. I mean, God wouldn't want us to be lazy. I feel like to know love, it takes work. God wants us to know His love and to feel it every day by reminding ourselves constantly of it.  Love can only be strengthened through practicing it every day. I understand that it's one of the most precious feelings in existence, because not all people know of it well enough to use it in their daily practices. I know that people who have a heavy dose of jealousy or anger issues probably express this sort of emotion every single day of their lives. I've done it before and I basically practiced it so much that I knew it better than any other feelings--and basically thought that it was the norm. It didn't go away very easily, because these harsh feelings do come back whenever they get the chance to (and the probability is pretty high!). 

I know that these feelings of anger, jealousy, hatred, hurt, pain, grief....etc., have been a part of us for a long time, and have been part of us since birth. All that we can ever do is to keep practicing the life in which we would like to live. It takes work--definitely! There's no doubt that it'll be worth it in the end though. I'm sure most people who worked their butt off studying for an exam and doing well on it afterwards find that their studies really did pay off. There are rewards to all sort of things--no matter how big or small. 

I don't feel good with how I'm doing presently in school, but that's because I allow my thoughts and feelings to affect me. I'll probably have to pray about it. I need some spiritual and emotional strength. I don't want to keep feeling the hopelessness that I have put myself into; I already know it way too well.

Finals are almost coming up. Semester will end soon. No matter how it'll turn out, just continue to try your best. You have to think past all of the difficulties. I can't say enough on how hard it is to overcome.... I just keep thinking that since we have been given a life full of obstacles (and we already know that it is so), we still need to keep trying. 

Try and you will find out. You will gain. :) The cup which started out empty is being filled with the wonders of life. everyday. all day. 

THIS IS MY WISH: PLEASE READ POST # 1.

Please, for those of you who just started reading my blog, it would do me a great favor if you could read the first post that I have ever written. I merely started my blog by the end of Winter Break for this year (2010-2011). I didn't think I would ever do such a thing, but I started my blog because I am haunted by the souls on this earth. It began with my friend's death. I don't think I can ever forget what had happened, because it was the most unnatural thing to have occurred. Yet, I know that she will not be the last to go through this sort of ending.

Life and death is a serious matter.

Sometimes I cannot stop thinking about the people around me, and if I could save a life, I would.....I would. I wish to help support your decisions and your paths in life, and really bring in new light by giving you my perspective of things.

Don't give up. If I can write about not giving up and am really doing it, then I know that you can, too!
Believe. It starts now.

Thank you. Wishing you all the best! :D <3

What IS

Lately I feel like my heart has finally been controlled. As if, it's been protected. Some people don't quite understand the intensity of the "feelings" in which I've been through. And some people just won't understand how happy I am now that I there is peace in place of where there was chaos.

I've seriously been thinking about my family, but my mind and my soul is quite tired from thinking about what I feel like I cannot do at the moment. I texted my sister the other day, hoping that she would text me back. You see, I want no one else but her. I wish she could just come to love me again. I wish I could make things right again.

I've noticed that I don't cry so much anymore, but I smile more. I think I have finally given up what is mine and really placed it on God for Him to decide what is good for me. I spoke to my friend yesterday, and the same topic of predestination came up--this time it was through her.

Predestination and the will to choose seems to go against each other. Somehow our very mind sees it as impossible to have both at once. But what if....what if, it is possible? What if we can't see it that way is because we're not capable of understanding? Something that I've realized helped me to look past at the confusion is the knowledge that as human beings, we will (and no doubt about it) always be confused. Some people are honest enough to acknowledge it. Still, there are others who will begin to hide through their different fronts.

Confusion is placed by clarity only with time. Not everyone can grasp a full understanding of anything. I cannot understand my mom or my friends to the fullest extent, and I shouldn't try. My mom even cautioned me not too, because even she will not reveal everything about her life to me. She knows that she cannot because through her experiences with people and myself, she knows that there are just some things that I will not be able to comprehend--not unless I've been blessed with that sort of understanding. But yet, how many times have you heard people say, "I know" or "I get it" and yet their actions do not follow? Now, Understanding to me means respecting the people around you, even though they do not look like you, dress like you, talk like you, or come from the same country as you. There's no need. Don't you remember that some other people who have had the opportunity to travel abroad came to appreciate and respect the culture in which they dwell? Within that limited number of days, weeks and months, people have to shed off their differences in order to see what they should have only foreseen as similar to them. But the problem is...we don't. We tend to connect only to our own chaotic life. Where there are parts that seems missing (to us), we tend to fill it up with more work, and problems--as if we already didn't have enough.

Therefore, coming back to the idea of predestination....
::Hmm (moment of reflection):: As I'm writing this, I am beginning to see just how much we should stop relying on ourselves for complete understanding of anything in general. When your mom gave birth to you, I'm sure she didn't understanding how to take care of you (even if she had all of these plans and dreams of how she would like you to turn out or become); and your dad, did he know how to be a good father? Did he ever have a good role model to follow?

I don't think anyone knew how. Perhaps this is where predestination comes in. It is the thing that will fill up the presently empty void--the place in which will be your future. The start of my future was given to me when my mom finally gave birth to a baby girl. I did not know how my life would turn out, and I realize by now that I've questioned the life in which I've lived even when I was very young. It is human nature to seek and keep seeking (especially when you have a brain! And...we each have one for that matter) for an answer until someone or something will satisfy your desire. Because we are tempted to have multiple desires, we need to be careful in choosing. (Hah!) Out of this depressive talk of predestination, I find myself writing about choosing. How splendid! (And no, I'm serious, I did not plan this at all.)

Think about it. You probably have all that you need and it is right in front of you. Do not hide behind your clothes, your friends, your family--your valuables. Stand in front of the Light, and the Spirit will be replenished with knowledge when the time comes. Somehow, time in itself seems to be a big part of predestination--the actual thing in which we take for granted. Nevertheless, we are able to choose every day how to live. God never restrained us with all the little details in which we call life. He gave us life and He wants us to use it in a way that will be good for us. After all, what is love without some restraints and without some freedom? I feel that afterwards, we will be blessed through the choices that we make. Even non-believers do understand the concept of karma. Could that be predestination--maybe a part of it? I don't know. But we shouldn't demand an answer for everything. It's better to be more simple, because then you won't be blinded by the things that will hurt you. In time, you'll have the answer.

That is, experience life for what it IS. What is is true. What is makes you.

All This Time...

He's Willing To Help You Pick Up Where You Last Left Off. <3

Wow. It's amazing and incredible... This thought just came to me: I know that I make so many mistakes, and figure that in the end I'm always going to be wrong and defy Him and the love that he offers; but in the end, He's still willing to help me get back up even though I had chosen to turn away from him. The past is dead because He's giving me another chance.

Makes me think of this song Times by Tenth Avenue North.

I know it's nothing new, but it becomes a big deal to me when I feel know that I've done something shameful or disagreeable.

"And, Action!"

I haven't watched a movie at a movie theater in so long. When I look the people and their reactions to the romance movies, I'd see them go "oohh" and "awww". How predictable. Most of the time, I think people have the same reactions is because many of us have the same desires out of life.

We all want to live a good, fulfilling life--one that simply would make us "whole". Apparently, society has given us a model for a "good" life. This means that in order to be happy, we need to get a job, a house, a spouse, some kids, and be economically secure. I think that's just about it. I mean, that should be it..... I think.

After all, what else would we be needing more than that? Yeah it's understandable that we all need to figure out a way to make a decent living, but I feel that an ideal life is not for everyone. It shouldn't be for anyone, actually. There is no such thing as an ideal life; and there is no such thing as an ideal person.

I enjoy watching romance movies, and thinking about how pretty the couple looks or how beautiful their moments together are. There are, still, some dramas like any other movie. Thinking about it makes me smile. How nice it is to forget about your own life and daydream about becoming the person on the screen.

Sometimes, I feel like people rather would be someone else than be themselves, because they feel like they never have enough or that they're not as physically or socially appealing. Well, if all that mattered in life was to live up to something that someone else concocted from their own imagination, then how would you ever live the "ideal" life (whatever that may be). 

I thought... we each had our own dreams too. And I thought, I just said that there is no such thing as an ideal life. Well, then, wouldn't it be good to expand on those dreams of yours? Wouldn't it be awesome if each person on this earth could be his/her own director and make his/her own movie, writing their own script, setting up the stage with their own props, and really bringing it to life? 

Please, don't worry about everyone else anymore. Please see that you are special. Your ideas may not be wanted by someone else, but I know that you want to be heard. Your story matters to you. And one day, it will matter to someone else, when you inspire them with your creative plans as they sit there to watch what you've fulfilled.

The Heart's Desire

Everyday is a day to decide on something, and every moment you feel like you need to figure out what to do next. I think about it all the time, such as "When should I wake up?" or "When should I begin studying.." and "Do I even have time to hang out with my friends?" I'm not incredibly materialistic and have stayed away from trying to be one. But I am still a female who would like to dress better, look nicer, and be more confident. This is all the exterior portion of what I want for myself. But I've always been a junkie on buying different types of books--mostly because I wanted to read and learn about new and different things. Yet, my desire is one thing, but taking on the accumulation of books over the years and not reading them is really a waste of money.

I've never been particularly good with handling money in general. I don't work, and I've never worked. This means that I have no idea what it is like to work for money. I only volunteered, so have at least a clue what working with people can sometimes feel like. Yet, I guess that is not entirely the same. The real world can be cruel and extremely demanding. The things that I've thought about seems to be nothing in comparison to people who are living "real life" as you may call it. They have to know when to spend and when not to so that they won't have to suffer on their own account their misuse of handling money.

Financial issues have been a great problem for many Americans and every soul on this planet. The core of the problem lies in the heart and its desires. As human beings, we often can be selfish and would want everything for ourselves. We could try to make the excuse and impression that we are really doing it for the well-being of others, but mainly it's never the case. Once the money is in your pocket, it's really yours to use it in any way that you want.

But do you know the weight of having or carrying with you a sense of power? When I say power, it is when you believe that you can do anything that you want--with what you want--because you have the resources to do so. For example, I may not think of money in that way, but I go to a college where people are given lottery numbers for living on campus. Essentially, there are too many college students who would like to live on campus and the best way to be fair to all of them is to give them a a lottery number. Surprisingly, this year, I got a wonderfully low number. A 62!! Yes! Great! Okay....what do I do with it now? I have the power to choose wherever it is that I want to live and it should be easy, right? WRONG. I spent hours laboring over whether I should live in a singles, a double, in an apartment or stay with the people that I am currently living with now. You would think that when you have such a great chance at being ahead of everyone that things would get easier from there, but I found out that it only became more difficult. I wasn't the only one who felt that way, because I recently heard (like literally on Thursday night when I went out with a group of friends) that some other person with a good number didn't have a place to live for next year even though he has an exceptionally good number. In one night, I got to hear another person describe to me about her sophomore year and how she practically had the right to choose; she thought she wanted a singles (just like I did before) but she ending up waiting until the very last minute where the number could no longer save her a spot on campus. Her next reaction to this was to freak out because she just couldn't figure out what to do next. Luckily, she had friends who told her to contact another person who found her a living space.

If you could take anything out of this is to not take on anything more than you can handle. I'm especially indecisive so knowing what I would like to do next can sometimes be a pain. It makes me go the three extra miles just to reach a place where it might take others only 20 minutes. There's so much mental conflict that I have to endure in between the distance from my starting point to the point of my destination. A lot can happen, as you might very well be aware of.

I want to go back to the part where I began to discuss the topic of financial needs. I was listening to a speaker, who is a pastor but had studied economics during his college years as a student, talk about the problems that many Americans undergo. Experiences and data have concluded that the average Americans suffer a debt of $10,000. I think....that's quite a large sum of money...wouldn't you agree, especially for a person who is unemployed? There is a heavy sense of weight of paying people back that you would have to carry when you are in debt and it only becomes worse when there are criticisms that you get that you would receive wherever you go just because people no longer see you as a worthy, respectable citizen. But should we not respect people who are worse off than us? ....Then again, why do that? It is most likely that these things could happen to anyone. Like for me, I didn't think that I could ever get such a low and awesome "lottery" number, but look how fate has turned out for me. You never know. Besides, if you haven't left the college world or the safety of your own home, then I guess you'll have to wait and see what the truth will be like out there on your own.

There are so many unemployed people out there. It saddens me, because I hate to hear that the children are suffering because their moms are out of work, or that there is job discrimination.

America, the best and richest country in the world still consists of a population whose people face the consequences of being near or under the poverty line. That's crazy and absolutely insane if you think about it. Why is there such a great gap between the rich and the poor? Because...people are selfish. People want power and they do misuse their power. Some people think that money is everything and that it is the way to happiness. I don't know for sure if it is the way but I do know that it is not everything. Money is paper; paper is neutral. It is us and our own destructive desires that place money as evil when things goes wrong for us, or (the other way around) the reason for when things become better for us. We forget that anything can happen. We forget how to give back. We think only of ourselves when we are facing either extremities--either when we're undergoing some pretty tough times or when we have a fantastic luck appearing wherever we go.

The pastor told me something else, and that is to make sure you have a clear understanding of your heart's desires because if you keep wanting and consuming unnecessary items, you will continue to feel unhappy; this is because you'll never believe that you will ever have enough. The Bible said that when you overly attribute all of your well-being and emotions and project it onto an object, which can be anything in particular, then you are idolizing it. For this part here, it makes me think about those who feel like they need to have cocaine or cigarettes in order to feel good, or "high"; but they're never satisfied once the feeling goes away...ever. These are more serious issues, but in reality the build up of anything are serious. Consider people who have credit cards, and how much they are likely to spend and gain debts because they want oh-so-very-much. Asking for too much from any one thing or person is never good. Sometimes you need to look back on your own motives and see for yourself where your heart's desire lies.

Nothing will ever be clear until you begin to question yourself and what you believe to be the truth. Don't turn away from past mistakes, but face them head on. It's incredibly difficult to admit and torture one's mind with, but if we don't ever make way to see our failures and give credibility to it then we'll never know which way to go next. I learned that I need help when I have too much to carry. I asked my friends, leaders, talked to my roommate, and also called my mom before I could figure out what I would decide to do next. Basically, if you're not sure, then it's okay for you to ask. It really is. No one knows everything. Just like we shouldn't use money as a steady form of protection for all things to come, we should start to find out what will truly protect us in the long run. I want to protect my heart, and to do that I have to seek out all of the dirt in which I've created for myself and to really spiritually clean my soul and mind.

Be loved as well as loving for every one of us have fallen on the same rocks before, and we know what it feels like.

We All Gain--Don't We?

I can't seem to study. I basically studied for four hours, and I think that I need a break.

So I wanted to mention something that I heard today as I passed a couple of guys chatting about something--sports, I think. I thought I heard them say that in order keep our sanity, we need to gain. What I'm going to say doesn't necessarily pertain to sports, but of something in particular that I heard them (or believe I heard them) say. Anyhow, I think the idea of gaining something in order to keep one's sanity quite an interesting perspective, because it's true that if we have nothing to gain, then why bother to go on with life? I mean, after all, I would find myself, everyone and everything around me worthless. You might be able to continue giving but not being able to receive anything back would mentally damage self-worth, I believe. Consider how we need to take care of our bodies in order to cherish the more important things around us. If we do not exercise or keep a balanced diet, (and did drugs or became a bulimic, etc) then we could very well damage our bodies physically. This would carry on to hurt, attack and destroy the mind as we being to self-question our situation and the luck that we are in. Okay, so this example mostly goes for the people who are somewhat better off in terms of having some form of control in their daily decision-makings. Nevertheless, it should be obvious enough that we are in need things. I guess just be careful what you consider as the things in which you need in life. You don't need everything--just some things.

Anyway, there seems to be an interrelationship to "gain" for all living creatures on this earth.

What is it about this world that we can gain? I can think of many things. For example, I can think of being happy with the one that I love whenever I'm ready to be in a relationship (heh); or when I have awesome memories of the people that I value and cherish the most; or hear the laughters when someone says something funny; or when I get to eat a bag of potato chips and enjoy myself on the couch (plus, be lazy!). Yeah, there are many things and these are the simplest things that I can think of, which I know that most people can relate to.

There are days when I feel that I could lose my sanity because I overload with different types of thoughts that I would not be able to do anything about had I the will to. Now that I think about this, I believe that I readily would lose my mind when I [know that I] do not "gain" very much from thinking about mundane things that can be irrelevant to the situation that I currently would be in. I know that I often daydream about what I like to do with either friends, family, or the person that I like. Of course, I don't gain much from it, especially if I am trying to study for my orgo exam or microeconomics exam (or whatever else that I'm suppose to be focusing on). Then, I would automatically feel stressed that I'm not getting very much done, and realizing that so much time has passed since I started to space out. This is not the most productive style to approach, but it fascinates me that I could at least give a reason to my behaviors.

I've been very confused as how to deal with my problems, because I feel as though if I cannot control the way that I think or do something about it, I would probably not be able to do very much in life: I would fail at doing well in school, feel more depressed, and eventually keep to myself and straying away from a social life. I've done all of those before, but yet here I am....I'm still in school, I still talk to people, and I feel somewhat better about myself. I can smile, and laugh, and joke--just like you! :) But it does take a lot of honest effort to get better. I still have some paralysis of the mind, which sometimes happen randomly whenever I am too consciously [or unconsciously] stress out, I suppose. I don't know how to explain it in better terms, but I've been having some difficult times trying to focus because my mind shuts down on me and it feels "blocked" to the point that I wouldn't be able to think clearly. I don't know if anyone goes through this, but sometimes I wish I knew because I feel like I go through great pains not understanding why I keep doing this to myself. Once the plague lifts, however, I feel normal and I can practically go about my day doing things without too much of a problem; but it becomes a nightmare for me whenever it seeks me out. I only want to understand if this is the normal effect for stress. I'm hoping I will be able to overcome it one day. I'm sure that no one can ever surpass anything without falling a second time. The first time that you overcome one thing, the next that comes will not be so hard to deal with the second time because now you know how to respond to it in a more effective way.

I guess that's the trick of things. It is to figure out and identify that there is something wrong and doing something about it. Of course both are hard to do, but everything requires time. For this sort of process, you will need to enhance all of your senses. Practice them for they are your best friends. The body is precious for it is connected to the mind. If you can skillfully evaluate your actions and progress everyday through your senses, you will see the gains of it all. Therefore, keep your eyes open and keep your ears ready. Be patient for your eyes need light to see; and be patient for your ears will need time to adjust to the foreign noises.

Alex's Lemonade Stand

I'm not sure why but I spend a lot of time on YouTube. It is like the only place to go and really "hang-out", relax the mind for 10-20 minutes. I clicked on a random YouTube video on to the right side of my screen and it led me to a video called "Alex's Lemonade Stand". As I was watching it, I saw how sweet the picture seems as it focuses on a sweet, innocent child's unfortunate situation. Furthermore, although I wish I could understand what the people were saying, I saw that the pictures really spoke more than the parents of Alex could ever do and still enable us to really see her in a more personal way.

Alex had cancer at a very young age. The wonderful thing about this story is that the cancer that took a hold of her life, however, did not keep her down any more than you or me (who may not have cancer or any serious disease or disease). She practically was "strong" and "brave" because she did not let the circumstance be the end for her. Instead, even in the little frail body that she was in, she rose to sell lemonade as a way to help other kids by raising money to give to doctors so that they could find a cure. Here's a link to the foundation with the website. Unfortunately, she passed away, but that didn't stop the people around her to carry on her legacy. Although I worked to help Key Club, a club that I was in back in high school, with the charity in raising more money for "Alex's Lemonade Stand", I realized now that I was never greatly informed about the history and details of such a miraculous story about a little girl standing up to fight for her own life. I don't know what brought her to thinking that way. Yet I feel that though she seemed like a little girl who have never experienced the fullness of life, she still knew what it meant to die, or the though of not being able to see her parents again, or the things that she could do in school or outside of school. Not only that but the thought of going through a situation that no one can help you seems like an incredible hard thing to deal with here. I think, no matter what though, her parents were still lucky to have such a beautiful child inside and out. The doctors should use this as a motivation to truly reach out and help people in ways that even medicine cannot ever suffice for the young child's body and mind.

But must we be in such a situation before we can start to make amends to the people around us? Could we stop and take time to not think about ourselves and all of the negatives for once, but actually begin to hope that the future will bring us good fortune though the present-day may look dim?

I wonder..how a little girl can be so courageous when even the adults could not do the same. How is it that though she is the one who have the hardest part of having to live with cancer decides to turn it around to make it into a positive thing for herself and other kids? I'm not sure if I quite understand, and I don't know if I ever will (even if I was in her shoes). It doesn't matter though. I find it interesting in that if it wasn't for her (and people like her), I don't know how much hope many other Americans or any other person on this earth might have.

Could you give a bit of hope and do something for the common good? I learned this semester that each and every one of us tend to always have something that troubles us more than some other mundane things. But we shouldn't let our troubles take over and consume us. Rather, let us create and build, because whether you can see it or not, beauty does arise from the depths of the ashes from which it is hidden underneath. Just like a flower that blooms in the summer air. All it needs is time to grow and the right kind of love in which the environment will give to it.

We're like a flower....just waiting for our day to bloom.

Free-Stylin' For The Soul, Mannn

See, you said that you wouldn't do much to hurt yourself, but look at what you're doing now.
The way you shine, you ain't lil' man.
You hide when the tears are rolling.
You tired but that ain't no show.
You fish but you take none.



How I'm feeling exactly?
Right now I feel pretty crappy. I know that I shouldn't look towards the future for any "answers" but it's kind of hard not to. It's like all you ever want is the best, but sometimes things don't go that way. Perfection is not part of being human. Haven't we learned that enough already? I guess not! I'm still trying to figure out how to be okay with imperfections. I can care less right now. That's what I'm feeling pretty much. Lousy. Annoyed.

I know I'm not stupid though. My brain is learning, but sometimes I don't give myself the chance or opportunity to rest assured that I have enough time to study and practice. That way, I wouldn't have to be so stressed out like crazy.

I can't stop now. Once the wheel starts turning, it's time to get back on the road. Stopping it will only strain the journey. Too much time has already passed. I'm going to go do something.....about it.....

Time to Get Going

I know that this may not be the best time to write a blog or anything, but I have to keep reminding myself. I must. Even though I know that I have 4 more days left before my orgo exam, I still need to believe that I can get some studying done. I sure that it is possible; I need to make it work. I feel like all this entire week I've been learning some kind of life lesson that I wished I learned four years ago. The art of managing your stress. I don't want to lash out and create chaos for myself, because I know that it will be mostly me who will have to put up with the consequences. Lately, I've become more aware that I can make time if I wanted to. It's not magic; it just takes understanding and probably a lot of practice. I have been without a phone for about a month and a half AND being okay with the situation--something that I haven't been without in probably over seven or eight years. (I wonder if I can keep going like this--haha, but in my mind, I know that it's possible).

My friend's coffee house is suppose to start tomorrow night. He's working very hard to put together a show and room for a speaker to talk about the conditions in India, hoping that more people will become aware of the children and orphanages. I wish I could come. I really do! It would have been an absolutely perfect night, but that would mean I would need to forgo my day with orgo. I can't keep pushing it off anymore. I've already been so bad at time management. What happens afterwards when things don't seem to be working for me is that I would go and vent it in indirect ways to people or make sighing sounds. But God has given me hope through His presence in my life. But recall that He created life in seven days, which means that He gave himself time to do things. He didn't rush and He surely didn't stress like we do everyday probably. I need to be okay and do things at my own pace (just like God had) in order to say that "if things don't work out, at least I know that I tried my best and really be proud of myself because I really did carry that out." Sometimes you need to stop worrying too much or being so totally self-critical about all of your actions. Every one makes mistakes and it's true--we are not perfect.

You don't need to do everything; you just need to honestly try your very best. The "best" part is that you will raise your own worth in all that you do.

I always like to end with some sort of a happy note:
Sooo..Good luck!!!!! ^__^ AHhhh! (OK! okay, time to go study now!)

This Week's Topic At Elijah's House Was On "Love"

This story makes me think about how I went to Elijah's House. Basically, at the meeting, we discussed on the we can identify what real love is--you know, the healthy kind of love-love relationship that everyone wants so badly one way or another. Apparently, this story definitely caught my eye and my very attention.

Read up if you will on Chris Medina's Love Story. (Pst, this guy was in American Idol!!)

So when I first heard of his tragic love story, I was blown away. There are stories like this where you would never imagine to be real, because what happened was tragic but it seems to also be a "happy ending". Essentially, he and his fiancée promised to get marry in two years. A month before their day of marriage, his beloved fiancée got into an accident. Yet, he believed that she would live and prayed for her life; and a month after her accident, she survived! Man..What's more is that he wrote a song for her. I cannot help it but put it on repeat. It's truly something worth acknowledging. Is there really true love out there in this world--even today? Could this story be the one perfect example?

I feel like his story gives hope to those who are suffering from their love life. After all, he is not living like most other couples. He is still very young, close to his thirties; and so is his fiancée who now can never be "normal" again. He's healthy, physically functional, and probably could have left her (I know, I'm mean to think of this but there is that probability that he could not withstand the sight of his fiancée in such a malformed condition). I love that he chose to stay with her, and to be by her side so that he could take care of her. I wish them the best. They're truly amazing people. I like how he smiles and gives her the attention. Most things he does seems to be about her; and she is his number one fan.

When I look at his story and the video, I see a woman who has been dramatically deformed. She is--from top to bottom--crippled, and probably for life because of the serious brain damage. She still is alive, however. I look at him, and he still has such great feelings for her. He can cry when talks about her; and he also promises to be with her even though their lives will never be the same.

Can we believe that we can always start a new life, no matter how things have affected us? I look at them, and I have to say that anything can happen at any minute. You'll never know, but the people who truly loves us for us, will stay. Only then can we see who is faithful, devoted, honest, and really will always be there for us.

He has no responsibility towards her for he is but a fiancée. He does not need to be her caretaker, since her mom already fulfills that job, but yet he volunteers to make it his full responsibility. I do not know very much or understand their lives or anything about them, but their story has touched me. I did tear up after having understood what happened.

God bless these couple for they are one of the best examples to true love as far as I can see.
I hope you will find your love one day--one who will be more than mere words.

The Mute Wishes To Speak

Every time that I feel as though I have fallen, I rise yet again. I am still blind and have only begun to open my eyes to what could be; I am like the mute; but I am decent listener.

So far I can sense that the world has a certain simplistic aspect to it. Life is simple, I remember my mother saying that to me. When you understand its simple parts, you will know how to live. I'm beginning to think that she is right. The world is too complex and too full of unnecessary, synthetic flamboyancy--mostly created by the hands of man. Though life is complex overall, it doesn't need to be in one's own home, or in one's own mind. The mind is a precious thing that can either be easily corrupted or show it's beautiful and magical creativity that is full of all of the human being's gateway to expression.

I cannot talk very much anymore. I already think too much and I don't seem to let them go very easily. It's been bothering me, and I know that it will have a negative effect on others. Individually, everyone has his/her own responsibility to themselves. Remember that you are your own best friend. I have seemed to forgotten that part. How selfish I've been to myself--just how much did I take away from me?

God seems to be working in my life. Whether I can feel His presence or not, I just know that He's doing something for me--to me. I don't have to understand everything and I wish not to. There is only so much the human mind can handle, unless it has been blessed by the Almighty to do even greater things. I am nowhere near there. I haven't heard Him call on me. I don't even know what it feels like to meet the Holy Ghost. I only hear things, but I'm nevertheless listening on. That's one of my more enhanced senses, and I can never practice it enough; I need to constantly keep at it. It's allowed me to get to know patience better, and it's given me the ability to consider other people's situation before my own.

Now, I wish to be the mute. When I do not need to talk, I won't. I did want to take on the challenge of helplessness. Interestingly, when I proposed this idea of mine--that I would try to go on during the remainder of this month without "opening up" too much or talking about just anything all too random-- my roommate told me that I am already helpless and that she doesn't understand why I would want to torture myself even more. Am I? Is that what I'm doing? But....there are other people out there who do not function like me--who do not have ears to hear, or eyes to see, or a working vocal chord. Yet, I do.

I only have one life. I don't have a lot of time. After all, to be able to learn about oneself can sometimes take a lifetime. I want to devote my life to learning. I have everything because He has already provided me with everything and more. The "more" part comes with the future, but in the present time, I already have a lot. He's given me life, and I want to live by taking in the breath of life.

I am the mute. I did not choose it, but I am. I remember having gone through so many phases and set-backs; well--yes, of course, that's life. Everyone goes through that. I'm just saying that this is but one more phase.

Can you imagine what it would be like to want to talk, but cannot? Can you imagine how much it might hurt to know that you want to share something you feel or know, but cannot? Can you imagine what these people might be thinking? I can't; but I want to step into their shoes. I want to see at least.

This might be the most stupid idea I have probably ever proposed (but I'm sure it's not the first) but I guess these are the sort of things that I look to to help me change. I don't know now but I guess I'll have to wait and see by the end of this month.

Dare to be Helpless?

SUGGESTIONS FOR THIS WEEK’S EXPERIENCE:
• Take away a tool that you depend on. Some options include: pens, pencils, paper, internet search engines, your cell phone or its apps, text messaging, your car, public transportation, your computer, etc.
• Go without a coat or something else that keeps you physically protected.
• Write some of your computer passwords on a sheet of paper and give copies to some trusted friends. Throughout the week, think about what would happen if they actually used your passwords and saw your entire life without filters.
• Each day, commit to telling a stranger (which also means you must meet a stranger) or a different friend a secret about your life.

You can come up with your own experience, but the common theme of all our acts is that they make us feel vulnerable – something Rebecca feels everyday. And as we go through our “helpless” experiences, let us remember that Jesus, Son of God, selflessly became man and experienced vulnerability in order to restore our relationship with God.

Thanks for taking on this experience of helplessness in observance of Lent 2011.

--Written by Laura Dassama

Laura Dassama is a Ph.D. candidate in the Department of Biochemistry, Microbiology and Molecular Biology at the Pennsylvania State University. She serves as lead of the Intercessory Prayer Team at Harvest Global Mission Church, and she is a food enthusiast.

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Above is a conclusion to a story in which you can find when you click on the web address.

I think I'm going to try and do at least three things or maybe come up with my own. Who knows, but the one on telling a stranger about your secret kind of strikes me as the best challenge yet! I think I will try it out, haha. 

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OH, STORY TIME!! :D

It was funny how I FINALLY recalled my conversation with my friend, Alice, about a simple story of a man being healed nearby the open bath house. I recall that he was laying on a movable board and he pushes himself in order to get around. When Jesus saw him and approached him, He blessed the man by allowing him to walk. Jesus essentially told the man to stand up and walk! So he did, and that was just it! There was nothing more about how he struggled or if he fell or anything of that sort, because it was a miracle. When I read it for the first time, I remember being very gullible, saying that he was probably lazy, and I felt like somehow the story was meant for me to read and really relate to. I don't know what was going inside of my head at the time, but I thought that through the Bible, you could relate your life with it; guess I was a bit too far off at the time. I judged the man and said that he was lazy because he didn't try hard enough during his years of living, so now here comes Jesus telling him to stand up and walk already--so that he could finally move on with his life and be able to use the resources around him more freely. In reality, at the time of my reading it, I was the one who was and felt lazy. I was the one who felt crippled, and who needed someone to tell me that I should get up and walk--or rather, choose to do (YEAH, as in JUST DO!). I didn't understand the story because I assumed too much, but seriously, it was hard for me to understand what I was reading in the first place. I tried my best, but I'm thankful that I inquired about it and openly discussed it with Alice. She corrected me and helped me to see what the story is actually saying. I'm glad. I guess when I need help and really want to get back on my feet, this will be the story that comes to mind. Sometimes I feel like we need others to smack us in the face (hmm, not literally..but then again.. :P) in order to wake us up from the despair in which we live in. Most of the time, we don't see any other ways to live but merely use the familiarity of our old habits and surrounding environment to continue on with our life. I hope you that if it is you who are in need of that voice of encouragement to shock or awaken you, then don't hesitate to find it within you. It's there. I just know it! Seek it so that you can restore your inner psyche. :)

Yesterday was my friend's 23rd birthday

I still don't think I am very good at praying when I'm surrounded by people, or when I know that all ears are listening intently on the words that will come out of a prayer's mouth. Yesterday was my friend's birthday. She is a special girl and she is now 23 years of age. She's been through a lot of tough times as a child who did not feel loved and was constantly bruised mentally, emotionally, and physically. She's now 23 years of age, and she has become such a beautiful person inside and out. I can see the look on her face that she's been through a lot--that she's seen many sufferings on her own account and those of others. But nevertheless, she survived! She's here! And she's happy, strong, and beautiful. I am happy that she is around here in New Jersey where I can reach her still, and I hope that she will continue to affect more people's lives as she befriends them or generously give away her artworks or time to help different types of people.

It's amazing to see that she's come to live in love and not in hate. At the birthday party, she was surrounded by a large group of Christian friends who could make it to celebrate her day of birth. I tried to dress up, and clean myself as best as possible because it was her special day. I even put on some eye liner, mascara, and a frilly blue and white dress. I also braided the upper half of my hair. Luckily, I already shaved the day before because I went swimming with a friend so all those cut marks weren't too badly exposed. On a regular basis, I don't dress up unless I think I need to, which was why I had a dress stored in my closet just in case. :)

Anyhow, I believe we all had a lot of fun. There were many smiles and laughters as people had a good time snacking, talking, and meeting new faces. It was a lively atmosphere. Near the end, as more people left, we began to gather around in a big circle around the living room to share our good moments with the birthday girl. Apparently, everyone had good things to say about her. But I think the best part was when we got to pray for her.

I heard someone say that she was a real testimony--the actual proof of God's work that He does have plan for each of us, just as He does for her. I can see that it's true. She has overcome many obstacles throughout her 23 years of life. Having been adopted by many families, she's been able to see the inside of people's lives, their hearts, and their way of thinking. Perhaps she had to overcome all of the pains in order to see the beauty of God's gracious love--that He will always be there for her and always has been. I'm really glad that she's my friend, and that I got to know her since the fall of 2010. She's given me new insight about life through her words, her actions, and mainly everything about her. Some people might consider her crazy but she's free. There was a time in each and every one of our lives when we were all free. We were all children once. What happened? I suppose we all grew up.

I don't think I've been through very much as my friend, but why do I keep feeling down like so? And why do I let my troubles affect me like so?

I would like to give my friend a prayer (one that I could not find the courage to express while being in her presence, but I guess I would like to do it here):

Thank you, Father in Heaven, for have given us your child. You have blessed us with insight--one in which we could have learned on our own if we lived a thousand times, but you have given us that here and now. You showed to us through her that we can overcome obstacles when we put our trust in You, Lord. I also thank You for having given my friend a blessed environment where she is safe and happy through being surrounded by her Christian friends. They are her family, Lord. Please allow us to gather the courage and energy to protect her as we all continue to protect our neighbors in the way that each of us would like to be protected by You, Lord. Thank you for the joy that she offers and the love that she spreads. Sometimes many of us forget, but we are again reminded that there is more to life than simply sadness, suffering, and pain. I pray that you will continue to work in her life for she is your daughter and she loves You. Thank you for faith, and courage; and thank you for my friend. Amen.

Dear Sister

Dear sister,

I keep thinking about you. I'm sad that I have caused great pains during the last few years when I have been living with you and the family. You kept telling me that I somehow changed and that I don't pay too much attention to you guys or the family anymore. I remember how you were mad at me because I forgot about you. I think that you love me, or at least care for me. Though we've always been sort of jealous creatures, I think on the side, we still look out for each other no matter what. I would like to do that for you. I'd like to protect you when you feel like no one can understand you. I would like to be that shoulder when you need to rest your weary head. Sister, do you believe that I have changed? Can you forgive me? I'm trying very hard to do better. If you don't believe me or still cannot trust me, I'd like to do all that I can to regain that trust. Though there will always be something which I will not agree with, I will respect your decisions. You are old enough to understand what is going on. However, you are still young, and so am I. I still need help and I want to let you know that you can ask for help. I wish I was good enough to be there for you.

Honestly, when you push me away, I'm really hurt. I guess I understand how you feel by now. After all, I chose to push you away, too. The feeling is like a knife to the heart, tearing away at everything dear to me. I think I know how you feel, sister. Do you believe me? Do you believe that I can get hurt too? That I love you? I know that our family aren't very big on "love" or saying it to one another. But we're all trying to prove that it exists. I think it does.

I know that you now are in a relationship and you find him to be more deserving of your attention, but don't forget us, your family. We were here even before he existed. Though you believe that he understands you now and that only he can make you feel good, he won't be the only one in your life. Do not desert or neglect those who do care for you. Please don't forget us. Though you might not want to hear it now, but I still need to let you know that most of your peers at your age are still growing. Their frontal lobe (the part of the brain behind your forehead) has not fully grown yet. That's why you often see people acting "immature". No one at your age is fully mature and are most likely to make a lot of dangerous mistakes if they are not cautioned. I'm not even mature yet! Most people on this earth aren't either. Therefore, guard your heart--guard it in a way that you can still let people in but don't let them ever to take advantage of everything that is you.

Do you know that boys are more likely to think about the physical part of girls before they really think about getting to know them or if they can understand what loving a girl really means? Girls, on the other hand, tend to be the more sensitive side; we often use our feelings and if we concentrate too much on one part of the "good" feeling, we'll probably be pulled heavily and blindly into the zone of the unknown--into the world that will leave you feeling vulnerable. Believe me, I've been there before. I remember how blind I was. You might say that I don't understand, but what if what I'm saying is true? Will you still ignore me, even though you now know? God gave his children physical sensations in order to fully be aware of the life in which they live. Without it, we would not be able to protect ourselves from being burnt; and without it, we would probably not know what happiness is. Do not take all that you see for granted; and do not believe everything by sight.

Please, please, give yourself time to grow and learn. If he is someone that you are happy with, then don't keep pushing all of your hopes on him. In other words, don't depend heavily on him for your emotional support. He's still only a teenager just like you and you both need time to grow. Because if you do, you will both get hurt when things start to not go your way or his way. The world is only getting bigger as you head to college. Once you do, you will begin to meet more people and you will see many great sights. Believe me....I am going through it now. Whatever you are experiencing now is not forever, because God will bless you with more things to come. After all, he sees you for you and know what you want deep inside of your heart, even when you do not reveal it to him.

I'm sorry but I don't want to see you like any of the other girls whose parents never were able to stop them from being crazy and going out and having sex with random guys. Most of the time, teens as young as twelve become pregnant with their first newborn; and usually these babies are born mentally retarded, physically handicapped and without any financial aid to care for them. This is life. Human beings are capable of reproduction. I even heard that we are the reproductive machines--that that's our function! Can you imagine? We're meant to all reproduce so that as a human population, we overall will be able to thrive. But look at the world now, how miserable are they as the resources are beginning to reduce, and how many children are suffering because they are born without nutrition or their caretaker. These unfortunates suffer because they do not know--because they do not understand how strong sexual impulses can be. I wanted to wait until you are old enough, but I do have a story to tell about the many times that I have fallen greatly.

Sometimes, all that I ever want to do is to let you know that you're all that I want as a sister and more. You both mean so much to me. I can never replace you guys with anyone else in the world. I've listened to people talk about how they don't have family, or how they have witnessed all sorts of abuse, or that they've been thrown out into the streets due to multiple factors (religion, finance, culture, morality, etc). I don't need you to think any better of me right now, but I would like for you to forgive me. Even if you don't want me around, I will be there for you for as long as I live. I only want to see you become stronger emotionally and spiritually.

There's more to life than just looks and clothings. You are only seventeen, and soon you will be eighteen. Mom has tried her best to teach you how to think. I know her words can be rough and sometimes you don't want to listen, but how many times has she really hurt us? She's protected us more than anything. She's given us life where other parents could not. Aren't we blessed? Mom is the only working parent and our guardian. She's given up her life just for us. I am beginning to understand the huge sacrifice that she is making for us. If you think about it, how many people will be willing to live without pleasurable things that the world offers? Do you see how many people are likely to do drugs and get drunk? You might not see that now, but in the real world, human beings can fall easily to the lies and deceits. We are sinful creatures. I know that you love mom. Lately, I've realized how short life can be. I'm happy that mom is getting her exercise. She deserves to be happy. I love to see her smile. I even love your crazy ways as you yell in the darkness of the night in the parking lot as we're coming out of the restaurant "BOOOOOoooOOoKKkk".. Hehe.

As I quietly look from a distance, I see that our baby sister is starting to become more and more like you. She dresses and talks like you. In other words, she is copying you in many ways. I realize now how vulnerable children are as they are growing up. Mom was right when she said that I needed to act and be the sister that you might want me to be so that you will have a good example to look up to. I messed up. I know. But you will see that it was not entirely my fault. I wasn't the quickest to learn and I wasn't the best listener.

Therefore, that is my advice to you. I am going to pray that you will listen to mom and hopefully to me if we get a chance to talk more. I'm praying that you will begin to open up to me. I will pray that I will know how to treat you better and the words that come out of my mouth will help you and not hurt you. I am praying for patience in me. Lastly, I pray that you will come to know God. God created you and He knows that you are beautiful--that you are His beloved child.

I pray that we will be a happy family and that we'll always stick together forever. I love you guys. I really do. <3