I had put some effort and time into just focusing on myself and God, and the relationship I have with Him, through means of reading some parts of Matthew and listening to week 1 CD's from Elijah's House. I found something and even though I'm not sure what I will do with it yet, it is still a start for me.
Somehow today the question of "should we believe or follow a religion in order to be closer to God"? So far, I only asked two people, and have received their honest feedback of what they think about my question. Because my family introduced me to Catholicism since the day that I was born, that was all I ever knew. It didn't mean I understood it though, since I can't even remember much from what I learned during those years of Sunday school and mass. I don't recollect that much, nor can I tell others what being a Catholic really means. Yeah, of course, it means you have to be a good person and follow the Ten Commandments....but well, what does that all mean? Will I be able to go to Heaven? Am I a bad person? Did I treat that person well--but didn't they deserve it that way?......Questions without answers remain meaningless. Essentially, no one really sat down with me to teach me in a way that I could understand, and during those years I was too young to care or listen.
As I was re-listening to the CD called "How We See God," I began to hear stories of family life that I could somehow relate to even though the details were completely different from mine. Nevertheless, I felt the same consequences. Somehow our image of God can be shaped by how we view our parents. That is, our judgments of our parents or of others starting with the family can affect our view of the world and can even hinder our relationship with God. You see, my dad used to play with me and my second oldest sister when we were younger, and he was nice and did look after us. At that time, he seemed to be a father to me and my siblings. When my parents got divorced, I realized how distant he was with me. Right then, I saw him as a stranger --a someone I do not know and have ever known, nor would I want to. It was a confusing time of my life, because I wanted to believe that I knew him and that things could have been different...but what went wrong? I thought that it was my fault, and now I realize that this problem resided with my parents. I just happened to be there and in the middle of things. I still am. They treat me as this messenger when they cannot talk to each other. Although it sucks badly, and it does affect me very much, I shouldn't make it a significant part of my life. Why should it be anyway? What good would that do for me or anyone? I'll probably suffer the most, since it's my own doing. That's not what I wanted to say though. From listening to the CD, I reflected about something and it goes back to the Ten Commandments: Honor your mother and father. Honor them...what does that mean? I now understand that it means that we should try to respect them even when it becomes hard to do so. Then another thought came to my mind: how was my dad's life like when he was a boy? From what I hear, it wasn't such a good one. It seems to me that my dad is ready to offer his time and energy into doing the work that anyone would ask of him, but on the inside, he didn't like it very much. Yet, it's something he's so accustomed to doing. I don't know much about my dad, or his past relationships with his parents--I just don't know much about him in general. I only garnered as much data as I could from his actions and what hear from my mom about my dad's mom. Now, I can see that my family have had a rough life or at least childhood when they were younger. My dad lost his dad when he was a boy; while my mom lost her mom when she was a young girl. Though both my dad's mom and my mom's dad are still alive to this day, they do not keep much in contact and so do not get to see or hear from them as much. If I can say this much about my parents' lives, I know that I am very fortunate to be able to see this. I need to in order to break the cycle of judgments and hatred. I cannot live like this anymore. It's like every time that I hear from my dad or see him, I just want to stare in the other direction. I want so badly to disappear and to get out of sight when I really need to do is tell him how much I love him and care about him. I don't want to ask too much anymore from him, because I feel like that will only lead to too many disappointments. I am hoping that God will touch his heart and reach into his stubborn mind where it is weakest and most vulnerable to change him. I do love my dad, even though I sometimes deny it. I just hate that I do not seem to see the love coming from him. This is where I turn to my Father in Heaven to heal me with his unconditional love, because I have a hole in my heart and it needs mending. In addition, I wasn't able to see how I acted to my mother until last year. I know now just how badly I mistreated her when she cared for me as best as she could as a single-working mom. How could I have not known? Then again, how could I have known when all I ever did was look to the outside world for attention, fun, and comfort. The way I viewed things blinded me from trusting my family and from helping my mom and sisters after the divorce.
I suppose that my dad will have his judgments towards my mom, and I will continue to be in the middle between them until they realize that they need to do something about it. I guess for now all I can and will do is for me to not judge either of them. Interestingly, one of my friend told me check out proverbs 3:5, and I did. It said exactly this: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding.
I know one thing for sure now, and it is that I can be at peace with my father as long as I will it to happen. God will stand by my side through everything that I experience. He's here with me. But you know, just a few months ago, I was the girl who was scared of people leaving her (because of deaths, anger, resentment, etc..) and I believed that God would leave me too if I did something wrong. I grew up thinking that there were so many things wrong about me, but that's certainly not the way to live. I think that it's more like when you notice something about yourself that you don't like, it's possible for you to take it away little by little every day until one day you hardly notice it anymore. So, thank you Lord, for helping me, your daughter, learn in times when I feel that no one else could.
No comments:
Post a Comment