Contemplations

Today is the first day of the new year. I am happy that I am home with my family to share the moment and celebrate my mom's birthday. I'm hoping that I will be able to really enjoy it without complaining. Somehow, inside of me, I'm thinking too much about what I might be missing. I still that that mentality where I think people need me or that I'm the center of attention. I know how I think and what I think, but I don't want it to control me. I haven't seen some of my high school friends for over a year now that I'm back for break from college. I do miss them, but ever since my face started breaking out..I'm not sure if I can show them my face. Of course you realize that true friends should never bail on you, even when you have changed physically. Then again, some people just never will care for you the way that you want them to anyway. I think I need my own time to recover from myself. I've been trying to look to God for help, wanting him to renew my heart and mind, so that I can one day be more stable when I look at myself in the eyes. I need to love myself for who I am and the life that God has given to me. Right now my family is most important to me, so I must put them first before anything else. I even decided to back out on a job that I could have gotten, especially after that trip down to the career service office to go through the interview. I was incredibly nervous because I never went for a job before, and I don't think I will anytime soon. I was suppose to go on the 28th of December for the training seminar, but I never did because of the snow. Although I tried to convince my mom, she tells me that I shouldn't and that it would be too dangerous. Of course I was being stubborn when I told her that I can handle it--the cold, dark, and loneliness. I suppose I am glad that I made the decision to not work now. I need the time with my family anyway. I don't get to see them often while I'm in school, so I have to do what is best for myself and my family.

My dad doesn't provide me with much. The only thing that ever comes out of his mouth is something about money and my face. I cannot judge him. It is not my right to do so, but God's. I just know what I feel. I am sad, and I wish he could love me for who I am and come to visit more often. He must want to though. That's what is different from dads who come to "just do" and dads who come because they really care. I don't see that anyway. I guess now that it shouldn't matter. I've been keeping myself busy with doing different things that I could find myself doing, such as watching movies after movies, reading my book, and hanging out with my mom and sisters. I've gone shopping and practically enjoyed it. I feel like I've changed, and I want to be proud of myself. I have to keep doing it though constantly so that I can feel good about  myself. I just need more confidence in living life and in being who I am. Sometimes though, I don't understand why my dad does not want to help me pay my college tuition for as much as he can, especially since he doesn't help me with anything else in life anyway. My education is so important to me. I hope he can understand that one day, because I have my own life to live too.

My friends, I am hoping that you will stand by me no matter what. I know that you will, but I need time. That's all that I ask.