A New Hair-Cut

Yes. I've received a new hair-cut. It's one that is very similar to the one that I had two years back when things were going rough for me. Funny how it seems like I've gone back in time every time I look in the mirror. Nevertheless, the experience this time is different. Instead of getting mad at my mom for cutting my hair so short, I instead laughed and made many jokes all the while that my hair was being shortened. Meanwhile, as my mom saw the way that I reacted to such a hair-cut, she began to feel guilty and did the best that she could to please me. The thing is that (two years back) I used to feel horribly about who I was and it was my hair--whatever remained on my head--that I could change without doing much physical damage onto myself. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. So, now it is shorter than ever before. I remember how I said that I wouldn't cut it any shorter anymore, and that I would grow it long so that I would donate it. Looks like I will have to re-do that process all over again.

Still, through all of this, I can see that I've grown in a way that shows to both  me and my mom that I do care about my family. Or rather, that I don't care so much about the world and it's perception of me. Of course I still look in the mirror and ask myself how can I make my face look normal, or fitting to my new hairstyle? That probably might not happen, because most likely the majority of the hairstyles that people wear today aren't all that satisfying to me. I don't like my bangs; I've always worn that since I was younger and it's just annoying to have hair covering a part of my face. Long hair is a lot of work, and oftentimes, I don't do very much with it. Girls tend to work with their hair, using straighteners, iron curlers, gels, etc., but I don't know what to do with  my hair. At least, I don't think anything works for me at the moment.

Sometimes, I think that I look like a boy, or seem to show off some masculine features. Maybe it's also because I act in certain ways that do not portray me as a girly type of girl. I don't like being labeled or limited in who I am or can be. First of all, I do not yet understand who I personally am yet. I just know that I am still learning more about myself so it takes time and I need space to make mistakes and to take on various perspectives. This means that I do not appreciate people siding with "this is how you should dress in order to be more feminine". But what if I don't want to be more feminine? What if I've been there and am tired of how obsessive over looks I have to be in order to feel like I will be able to fit in? Then again, being careless like a typical boy is not all that I want either. Nowadays, you can even see boys wear earrings. What does that tell you? I feel like it just shows that we're always trying to find a 'look' which will fit us, or maybe it is a look that will help us to 'fit in' with the crowd.

Well, for me, I don't want to please anyone. I can't possibly please people anyhow with the way that I look now. Therefore, I'm going to go with wearing a cap over my head. I think I will look more tom-boyish, but that doesn't matter now. I have to cover my head most of the time. I don't really like the way my hair sticks up too much, especially after I have taken a shower. Oh wells. It will definitely be a journey, not to mention now that I live on a campus where I actually know more people. I see too many people/familiar faces every day as I walk to class. LOL. It will definitely be entertaining, I think. Let's see what God has in store for me this time. :) Hopefully, I will not succumb to my inner thoughts--that I will be more open-minded--so I can treat my life as an adventure.