O Holy One

Holy One

How empty I feel. But how motivated I am to fill up this emptiness through "doing something".

You lift me up,
Holy One
Holy One

Dear Lord,
I won't give up. But I still need assistance. You know more than I do what it is that I want. I can make things up as I go, but to act upon how I feel I would like to open my mouth more to create, just like how I can use my hands to create. It's strange though how I keep imagining myself sitting down and writing (or is it drawing) whenever I feel like I should be alone or overwhelmed. There's something relieving about using my hands. I need to figure out what that means though, because I'm not sure if I understand it yet.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that "What if you tried to put God first in all that you do, but fill up the 'extra time' that you have to do 'other things,' such as homework or time for classes". I don't think I understand that too well. I think that if I did, I would have maintained the Sabbath. It's weird how I want to do good, but have hesitated so frequently that I've become nothing more than a hypocrite. Maybe that is a strong fear of mine, that people will come to think that I'm only a fake, a hypocrite, a liar - that I cannot say anything and perform them as readily.

I said that I wanted a community, but I am pushing people away. I think I push them away because I am also afraid of losing what I have gained so far. Therefore, I do know what it is that I have and the abundance of opportunities that have been granted to me. It's just...can I manage? Man. God seriously blessed me. But I have been so wildly confused that I keep questioning Him and all that is good.

How is it that I have come to question the thing that I wanted to be so much a part of? I want to be around good Christians who keep their faith, make friendships with a variety of people, and even accept various people for who they are. I care for people. Yet, I am somewhat prideful. I think I have pride. Interestingly enough, I do not have so much confidence. Maybe I'm beginning to see what it means to be prideful. A lot of people saw my humbleness before. I think what they saw was me creating for myself a sense of worthlessness that appeared humble. Or maybe I'm thinking too negatively again. What does it mean to be humble? How can I become more aware of the difference between being prideful and confident? I must continue to work on this.

Lord, I have gained so much freedom because I see when I am judging someone else. Yes, it is still there, but it has become much easier to change a situation by soothing out complicated feelings. Lord, you are all that is good. I must believe. I must continue to cherish You for who You are. Lord, thank You. I apologize for turning away from you. I think that I am still standing on sand at the moment with a few rocky pebbles underneath me to help support me from sinking. However, I would like to stand on stone, become firm in my thoughts and understanding, so that I do not roll and wash away like the ocean waves. I want to soar. Hmm, that's a nice thought. It is.

1pm

I still daydream. I think it has helped me to get back to where I need to be. I think that my purpose somewhere in life is to keep being a "kid" so that I can reach out to more people. Yes, I am still somewhat timid, but because of my sense of awareness, I tend to contradict who I actually am. I think that the reason why I'm almost always confused is because I would side one way at a certain moment in time and then change it to something else entirely new. Yeah, I am strange. But I think that that is okay, too.

I was actually thinking about how inside of myself, I can imagine myself being a little kid who is crying out to her daddy to love her, but because he does not really react in a loving way in reality, I think that this is where I have become numb to "feelings". I have been asking a lot of people about love, and God's love for me. I have also asked about faith through keeping the Sabbaths. But I think no matter how many times I try to ask or understand, I feel like I cannot understand. My questions are not right. There is something missing...

Thinking for myself is something that I need to keep working on. But I believe that I need to speak up more so that I do not offend anyone. I have constantly been afraid of getting on the wrong foot, but that has put me on the more reserved side. I am so aware that it drives me crazy.

What is weird is that I have become less in thought. I think that it is good that I do not think so much anymore, but I have had many blank moments where I just do not know what to say or forget so frequently that I make myself mad. It wasn't always like this for me. God, there are so many possibilities of change. May you teach me what change is right for me. I am in control of only my actions, and I think that that is it. I think that's a good thing, though, because at least I have more of a responsibility and hold onto the meaning of this sense of power you have granted to me.