I mean why say until 3 weeks will I have to face my torture of examinations? I already am torturing myself at the moment with the way that I feel. I have had some set-backs that is making me question all that I've been doing. For example, I did so horribly on my group project for Spanish class that I'm not sure what to expect as a grade from that class anymore. I'm afraid that I have shoved away all the opportunities by not studying enough. My mind always inquires "how should I be studying?" when, really, I've done more questioning than trying to do the work itself. I realize that I have been too care-free with my time. I talk so blatantly to people about things that I feel like will not really help me or anyone else. I'm always thinking about other people, or if not that then about immoral things. I should try to control that part of myself more often. It's weird that when I think about these things do I begin to think about my father, whom I still call "father". I wonder if he deserves this title still or at all? I guess everyone deserves something, but deserving means that the person must have done something so great that it would be hard to say no to them. I don't think he deserves to see my family. He doesn't deserve very much because he doesn't seem to want to change.
Anyway, I've seriously been going to too many Christian-related events. I feel overwhelmed because of it. Sometimes, I'm not even sure what I'm doing. Maybe I should start saying, "Yes, I am sure". In this way, I could have more confidence in what it is that I end up doing. Having a social life is necessary but there needs to be a limit in how much I should be around people. I don't always feel very comfortable. Sometimes, I don't even like being around people and just want to be left alone.
There have been times when I wish I could concentrate better on my own without relying so much on people. I seem to say yes to too many things, and I end up kind of regretting it. Like yesterday, I ended up staying over to a friend's place, because I thought that I could study there much more easily with people. That didn't work out though. I should start to learn that no one is ever going to look out for me; I need to do this on my own and learn this now.
I need to say "Yes" to more of my school work than to the events "out there". YES, I am confident in what I do. YES, I can get a good grade as long as I study and put a lot of time and effort into it. YES, I WILL overcome and no one or anything can stop me from getting what it is that I deserve. I am important enough to do things my way without having to fear constantly other people's feelings and what it is that they might think. I don't want to stay cooped up in fear. It is unfair for me.
Dear God, please let me not take anything for granted, even the schoolwork and all that I have to learn at this moment in time. I don't want to destroy the opportunity presented to me as a college student. I want to include a lot of things in my life, but Lord, please show to me the things that I need when I need it most for I am dependent on your wisdom. I am still a child. But I yearn to keep going and learn under your Grace. Thank you, God.
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