Let Me Vent

I feel very uneasy. Let me vent.

I want to study for my neurobio exam by going over the lecture notes as many times as possible for the exam starts next Wednesday. I am not too concerned, because I know that I still have some time to study for it. Then, I keep thinking about other classes and how my incomplete work for Spanish and Physics will somewhat deter my focus and energy into what I am supposed to be doing now - that is, studying for neurobio.

I think my forebrain is huge. It feels blocked often. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because I do not want to think or something. Anyway, I keep thinking about the group and people like Oliver, Kevin and Matt. They're the three guys that I feel like I can trust. They're really something - all of them. I want to make time for them, the group, and basically, for God.

Today has been most interesting. I woke up early at 7 AM just to write my 12-paged paper. Not to mention, I slept around 3 AM. NICE, huh. Well, today was also the Christmas Dinner for IV and I chose not to go because I wanted to keep doing work. I have already spent so much time doing other things, and I do know my limits. I'm not suppose to keep my mind constantly occupied with things. I want to relax and feel like I can get something accomplished.

Yes, God has put me on this Earth to do something. I do believe that I have a purpose on this Earth. I believe that I am here to help people find themselves and get closer to God. I cannot do that without knowing and understanding myself first. I'm so totally amazed with the people of IV. They have shown me a kind of gentleness that I don't usually see from people; and a willingness to love others for who they are. I'm glad. Truly glad. Thank you, God for a blessed environment such as Rutgers, full of people and diversity. We have a community here but we need to take advantage of all its goodness. Lord, I began to understand that after my first year of college. I could see that there was just so many opportunities available, and it was up to me to keep an open mind.

Lord, I want to be an inspiration to people and to myself. I want to be a person who encourages. I want to be able to speak with the Holy Spirit guiding my tongue. I tend to blabber on a lot about different things. I hope that one day I will feel like I can really fit in somewhere. At least, to have a place so that I do not keep on looking for another place. I think I want to be found by now. Lord, find me once again. I am sorry that I have turned away from you through my evil, hypocritical thoughts and sins.

You have died on the cross. Why is it that when something is repeated it becomes old? Should it become old? I mean we're suppose to feel replenished in hearing something so wonderful, right? Jesus DIED for us. What's not BIG about that? I think it also has to do with the way that I feel. When I tend to talk too much about my personal ongoing issues to other people. I hear myself as being redundant and then I think that I'm complaining. But am I? What does it mean to complain? I am grateful, though, for the things that I have and more. I think the way that I feel about something being redundant is because of what society teaches us - that we're always suppose to go after anything that is new, big, bold, colorful, expensive, etc. Yes, we're taught a lot of things, but it's up to us to filter out the bad from the good. I know now that God is good, and so I must filter out everything else that is not Him.

I must love Him by placing Him first in my life. It is a challenge, but why should it stop us? Every day has always been a challenge and has been since the start. Don't stop now. Keep on reaching out.