What IS

Lately I feel like my heart has finally been controlled. As if, it's been protected. Some people don't quite understand the intensity of the "feelings" in which I've been through. And some people just won't understand how happy I am now that I there is peace in place of where there was chaos.

I've seriously been thinking about my family, but my mind and my soul is quite tired from thinking about what I feel like I cannot do at the moment. I texted my sister the other day, hoping that she would text me back. You see, I want no one else but her. I wish she could just come to love me again. I wish I could make things right again.

I've noticed that I don't cry so much anymore, but I smile more. I think I have finally given up what is mine and really placed it on God for Him to decide what is good for me. I spoke to my friend yesterday, and the same topic of predestination came up--this time it was through her.

Predestination and the will to choose seems to go against each other. Somehow our very mind sees it as impossible to have both at once. But what if....what if, it is possible? What if we can't see it that way is because we're not capable of understanding? Something that I've realized helped me to look past at the confusion is the knowledge that as human beings, we will (and no doubt about it) always be confused. Some people are honest enough to acknowledge it. Still, there are others who will begin to hide through their different fronts.

Confusion is placed by clarity only with time. Not everyone can grasp a full understanding of anything. I cannot understand my mom or my friends to the fullest extent, and I shouldn't try. My mom even cautioned me not too, because even she will not reveal everything about her life to me. She knows that she cannot because through her experiences with people and myself, she knows that there are just some things that I will not be able to comprehend--not unless I've been blessed with that sort of understanding. But yet, how many times have you heard people say, "I know" or "I get it" and yet their actions do not follow? Now, Understanding to me means respecting the people around you, even though they do not look like you, dress like you, talk like you, or come from the same country as you. There's no need. Don't you remember that some other people who have had the opportunity to travel abroad came to appreciate and respect the culture in which they dwell? Within that limited number of days, weeks and months, people have to shed off their differences in order to see what they should have only foreseen as similar to them. But the problem is...we don't. We tend to connect only to our own chaotic life. Where there are parts that seems missing (to us), we tend to fill it up with more work, and problems--as if we already didn't have enough.

Therefore, coming back to the idea of predestination....
::Hmm (moment of reflection):: As I'm writing this, I am beginning to see just how much we should stop relying on ourselves for complete understanding of anything in general. When your mom gave birth to you, I'm sure she didn't understanding how to take care of you (even if she had all of these plans and dreams of how she would like you to turn out or become); and your dad, did he know how to be a good father? Did he ever have a good role model to follow?

I don't think anyone knew how. Perhaps this is where predestination comes in. It is the thing that will fill up the presently empty void--the place in which will be your future. The start of my future was given to me when my mom finally gave birth to a baby girl. I did not know how my life would turn out, and I realize by now that I've questioned the life in which I've lived even when I was very young. It is human nature to seek and keep seeking (especially when you have a brain! And...we each have one for that matter) for an answer until someone or something will satisfy your desire. Because we are tempted to have multiple desires, we need to be careful in choosing. (Hah!) Out of this depressive talk of predestination, I find myself writing about choosing. How splendid! (And no, I'm serious, I did not plan this at all.)

Think about it. You probably have all that you need and it is right in front of you. Do not hide behind your clothes, your friends, your family--your valuables. Stand in front of the Light, and the Spirit will be replenished with knowledge when the time comes. Somehow, time in itself seems to be a big part of predestination--the actual thing in which we take for granted. Nevertheless, we are able to choose every day how to live. God never restrained us with all the little details in which we call life. He gave us life and He wants us to use it in a way that will be good for us. After all, what is love without some restraints and without some freedom? I feel that afterwards, we will be blessed through the choices that we make. Even non-believers do understand the concept of karma. Could that be predestination--maybe a part of it? I don't know. But we shouldn't demand an answer for everything. It's better to be more simple, because then you won't be blinded by the things that will hurt you. In time, you'll have the answer.

That is, experience life for what it IS. What is is true. What is makes you.