Every day that I return to my apartment, I find that I wished I knew what to do next. There are so many choices (since I can think of quite a lot that I should be studying for) but there is so little time during the day. After all, I spend most of my afternoon in class. I shouldn't complain, because my schedule isn't that bad--not as bad as most other people who have to work, or have a lot of night classes or very early morning classes. It's just that some people can handle things better.
I only know that most people who have a difficult time organizing themselves or being "on top of things" often are affected by their moods of the day. In a sense, you could start off being really happy and immensely ready for the day, but as some unwanted things begin to pop up, it is less likely that you'll feel the same way from whence you started.
Lately, I've seem to have suppressed my feelings more and more. It's as though I feel like talking but I just don't know about what in particular. I told my mom how I felt (and it was sort of difficult to do so) and she tells me that it's because I'm tired--that I no longer have the energy that I used to. There's a reason for that. It's not a good thing though, but it's not that bad either--at least for me. Of course, I am pained because I feel hopeless and want to cry out, but after every little phase, I get back up again. I have never experienced it like this before, but I am sure there are those who have kept their feelings and opinions to themselves more often than they can express it. I'd like for them to know that it's okay to feel hurt, and that it's okay to sometimes not be heard. But don't overlook it as if there is nothing wrong. After all, I have to keep a steady guard on how I am feeling and what sort of actions I will end up making afterwards. I have to... for my own sake.
I guess I am getting tired. Emotionally I don't know what to do at times, but I know I have to constantly remind myself that I need to keep encouraging myself to work hard. I don't believe that anything can come to you unless you really work hard for it. I mean, God wouldn't want us to be lazy. I feel like to know love, it takes work. God wants us to know His love and to feel it every day by reminding ourselves constantly of it. Love can only be strengthened through practicing it every day. I understand that it's one of the most precious feelings in existence, because not all people know of it well enough to use it in their daily practices. I know that people who have a heavy dose of jealousy or anger issues probably express this sort of emotion every single day of their lives. I've done it before and I basically practiced it so much that I knew it better than any other feelings--and basically thought that it was the norm. It didn't go away very easily, because these harsh feelings do come back whenever they get the chance to (and the probability is pretty high!).
I know that these feelings of anger, jealousy, hatred, hurt, pain, grief....etc., have been a part of us for a long time, and have been part of us since birth. All that we can ever do is to keep practicing the life in which we would like to live. It takes work--definitely! There's no doubt that it'll be worth it in the end though. I'm sure most people who worked their butt off studying for an exam and doing well on it afterwards find that their studies really did pay off. There are rewards to all sort of things--no matter how big or small.
I don't feel good with how I'm doing presently in school, but that's because I allow my thoughts and feelings to affect me. I'll probably have to pray about it. I need some spiritual and emotional strength. I don't want to keep feeling the hopelessness that I have put myself into; I already know it way too well.
Finals are almost coming up. Semester will end soon. No matter how it'll turn out, just continue to try your best. You have to think past all of the difficulties. I can't say enough on how hard it is to overcome.... I just keep thinking that since we have been given a life full of obstacles (and we already know that it is so), we still need to keep trying.
Try and you will find out. You will gain. :) The cup which started out empty is being filled with the wonders of life. everyday. all day.
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