Here's a good song that I listen to to calm my nerves.
When I'm sitting alone, I begin to contemplate about all sort of things. Funny how I would often "come back" with a new awareness that I spaced out for a bit. The things that run through my mind are completely random, but most of the time, I think about things that I would like to do (but really have not or probably will not have accomplished in reality). I imagine how I would write, and speak when I'm around people. The conversations that I make up in my head are pretty entertaining. It's just too bad that I think I'm sort of awkward verbally. I've always seemed to have a dream world where I would imagine myself doing great things.
I remember when I was younger that I was sitting on the bus heading to school. I was probably a 5th or 6th grader. I didn't talk to anyone. I found a way to enjoy my time on the bus just by looking outside of the rectangular window. I saw trees, houses, cars, people, dogs, and more buildings, etc. Sometimes I would make-believe in my mind that I was a super hero and I did amazing things for the earth. I loved nature and many different aspects about it. I wanted the trees to come back, and I wanted people to stop hurting it. So I imagined I was standing outside on the road and as I strained to lift my hands up, vines and vegetation started to rumble beneath the road, breaking the pavements and grow everywhere. Yeah, it was just a dream.
I grew up thinking about doing many things inside of my head, only because I couldn't do much in the real world. Somehow, most people who grew up in a family or society where there are a lot of expectations and perhaps even neglect of the individual, he/she would most likely build and live momentarily in his/her own fantasy. I felt happier in there only because I knew that I could be a someone. Supposedly, everyone wants to be noticed one way or another and to be acknowledged of their accomplishments. For me, I think I acted like I had no such desire, but that's maybe because no one really cared to ask. On the contrary, I could have hidden this part of me had someone asked me about it; but it's probably because I think my idea or world of imagination is stupid to express verbally. Nevertheless, I believe that sometimes these desires do trickle out and become manifested in the little things that they do every day, such as an artwork.
I'm thinking now that if people have had such dreams when they were younger (maybe not anything similar to mine but dreams nonetheless), they are probably wanting to do something about the things around them. Society has long chosen things that are deemed as acceptable. But acceptable as they may be in appearance, I wonder how it will be in the long run for the children who are growing up. I keep hearing that dreams are important to have and many psychologists have even tried to study the meaning of dreams. I suppose this is where you can do your own digging in order to find your own personal truth.
I wonder how many times I have believed a lie. It's possibly that there are too many to count or even bother remembering. People say that I am gullible and I suppose that I've been that way growing up. I'd readily put trust on someone I hardly know. But then again, I believe in too many things. So I guess without further ado, I must be like other people and reel in that trust line of mine. It's probably not safe to keep getting hurt because you choose to trust too many things that people say. For my own sake, I did do just that. I haven't stop believing though--I'm more cautious in who I deal with (unfortunately, it's still somewhat of a struggle for me). I don't like being that way though, but it's something I've learned from society.
I don't know. I read in one of the mini booklets that purposely describes the works of God that as human beings we're always looking to change the world or to shape it for the better. I guess that makes sense. It does to the extent that we want to do a lot. Well, after all, we each have a brain, and these brains of ours are really good thinkers.
I think what I'm really trying to get at is believe in yourself. These things that were a part of you as a child appeared for a reason. We each have a desire in how we would like to change things within society, but first don't forget who you are. Serve to know yourself throughout your life-long years.
So far, I've been trying my best to believe in myself. It took a lot to see potential where all I ever saw was worthlessness. I believed in those expectations and those criticisms from friends, family, teachers, relatives, and strangers. Society can only influence so much of you until you feel like you're only role playing and that you don't know who you really are anymore. I find that scary. In this stage of my life, I am still confused about my identity, so if I was blocked from being who I want to be, then I don't know how my mind could possibly handle that sort of pressure.
For me, the best thing that I can think of is to handle one thing at a time. I'm not in a rush (since I can't really go anywhere at this moment). I have to believe that the truth will somehow uncover itself to me one way or another. I heard this having been said before, and I think I will say it here: You are beautiful. Though you may not believe in this, it could be a start to how you perceive the word beautiful and its connotations. Do you believe all that society tells you? Or will you begin to believe that you are beautiful? So what if you have a lot of acne (like me), or that you have oddly-shaped fingernails, or that you like bugs because you think they're cool, or that you like to sing in the shower, or that you like to bake because it's calming to the soul, or that you like to dance in the rain......? Well, you get the idea.
I wonder if you realize that being different is a blessing part of life. I feel different all the time, compared to my peers; but they probably feel different compared to me. Maybe that is because we are! Ever thought of that at least? After all, although I understand that you have a completely different life-story than my own, we still somehow convolute to the same sort of thoughts and feelings. Society has been strong in its teachings, and through society we have built relationships. This is the best part about it, because though odd as we each might be in our own perfectly unique ways, there's no shame to expressing the kind of person we might be. You need to believe that the people who truly loves you and know you will understand your ways; that is, they can also be forgiving.
Oh, the world is a fun(ny) place to live in. It is quite amusing when you think about things like this but in multiple perspectives. It would help you to some truth, rather than believing only one side to life and never experiencing the others. I really have to stop thinking like I want to be the ideal person that others might expect out of me, either out of other people's good intentions or bad, so that I can become the ideal person that I'm meant to be. Therefore, start listening to all sides of a story before coming to a conclusion. I've been doing that and it has helped a lot sometimes to just be still physically (although your mind might be actively raging like a thunderstorm). Well, anyway, I think that's what a good detective might do. :)
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