I'm Tired

I really am very tired of feeling stuck in this cycle of mine. I try to motivate myself into doing "good" but sometimes even that tires me out. Somewhere along the line, I probably am not thinking enough about my own health or well being. Yeah, I believe that much. I realize that I'm not a very good writer but I try to express what I know to be true.

Lately, I have foregone any days with my Christian friends or days where I could probably have a moment where I could dwell in his words. Though it is not obvious that I have been reading the Bible, but I am--at least to some extent. I am beginning to cherish Jesus's story and how he came down to reveal to us the power of the Almighty God. I pray that through his words, I will be able to find my place in life (at least in the meantime) so that I will feel happier with myself. I am tired--tired because I have too many expectations. God did not expect me to follow him or love him back, but he did expect me to believe in him. I believe in him. I want to walk where he has walked. I want to see from the eyes of the poor, the weak, the helpless, the hurt, the despised, the unworthy, etc. Let me be able to understand these types of people. I'm tired of being selfish, proud, loathing, angered. Can I open up my heart enough to feel some pain and know that it will be okay? Show me Lord that in you I am forever loved. I feel like that is so important in my life. It give me values as I grow to live in love and because of love, I can forgive. Because of love, I can pray. Because of love, I am able to know You. Do you understand just how much that means to me? I know...that I can love. I can feel; and I want to feel. Then...why do I complain? Am I complaining? Do I have the right to complain? I do not have an answer for that.

God,
One day, when I am grown up just a bit more, I'd like to know that you will always be there for me throughout my years. Let me be ready for the things to come. Teach me all that I should learn. I'd gladly accept and abide by your terms. I have tried, Lord, to become the person that I am now but I know that this is not the end. It is only the beginning. I would give you my back to carry you anywhere that you would dare me to go. I am passionate for your love. One day, I wish to show as many people through my words and actions that they can live through love, too. No more bitter days; no more resentments.

Somehow one of my primary goals is to love my dad, no matter what he has done or is doing to me or to anyone else. I'd like to show him that I can love and that it is stronger than anything the world has ever known to experience. I'd like to show my sisters that though they may be yelling back at me, I will humbly tell them what I want to get across without yelling back at them. I'm tired. Like I said, I'm tired.

My mom has given me enough lessons about life. I'd like to start making some choices on my own but with Your permission, of course. Please, Lord, my heart is yearning to do carry out Your will. I want to do so much for the people around me. The hardest thing for me is to turn that around so that I could look to myself first. Lord, guide me as I am trying to grow every single day.

Amen.