The Mute Wishes To Speak

Every time that I feel as though I have fallen, I rise yet again. I am still blind and have only begun to open my eyes to what could be; I am like the mute; but I am decent listener.

So far I can sense that the world has a certain simplistic aspect to it. Life is simple, I remember my mother saying that to me. When you understand its simple parts, you will know how to live. I'm beginning to think that she is right. The world is too complex and too full of unnecessary, synthetic flamboyancy--mostly created by the hands of man. Though life is complex overall, it doesn't need to be in one's own home, or in one's own mind. The mind is a precious thing that can either be easily corrupted or show it's beautiful and magical creativity that is full of all of the human being's gateway to expression.

I cannot talk very much anymore. I already think too much and I don't seem to let them go very easily. It's been bothering me, and I know that it will have a negative effect on others. Individually, everyone has his/her own responsibility to themselves. Remember that you are your own best friend. I have seemed to forgotten that part. How selfish I've been to myself--just how much did I take away from me?

God seems to be working in my life. Whether I can feel His presence or not, I just know that He's doing something for me--to me. I don't have to understand everything and I wish not to. There is only so much the human mind can handle, unless it has been blessed by the Almighty to do even greater things. I am nowhere near there. I haven't heard Him call on me. I don't even know what it feels like to meet the Holy Ghost. I only hear things, but I'm nevertheless listening on. That's one of my more enhanced senses, and I can never practice it enough; I need to constantly keep at it. It's allowed me to get to know patience better, and it's given me the ability to consider other people's situation before my own.

Now, I wish to be the mute. When I do not need to talk, I won't. I did want to take on the challenge of helplessness. Interestingly, when I proposed this idea of mine--that I would try to go on during the remainder of this month without "opening up" too much or talking about just anything all too random-- my roommate told me that I am already helpless and that she doesn't understand why I would want to torture myself even more. Am I? Is that what I'm doing? But....there are other people out there who do not function like me--who do not have ears to hear, or eyes to see, or a working vocal chord. Yet, I do.

I only have one life. I don't have a lot of time. After all, to be able to learn about oneself can sometimes take a lifetime. I want to devote my life to learning. I have everything because He has already provided me with everything and more. The "more" part comes with the future, but in the present time, I already have a lot. He's given me life, and I want to live by taking in the breath of life.

I am the mute. I did not choose it, but I am. I remember having gone through so many phases and set-backs; well--yes, of course, that's life. Everyone goes through that. I'm just saying that this is but one more phase.

Can you imagine what it would be like to want to talk, but cannot? Can you imagine how much it might hurt to know that you want to share something you feel or know, but cannot? Can you imagine what these people might be thinking? I can't; but I want to step into their shoes. I want to see at least.

This might be the most stupid idea I have probably ever proposed (but I'm sure it's not the first) but I guess these are the sort of things that I look to to help me change. I don't know now but I guess I'll have to wait and see by the end of this month.