Today I went to class not really expecting to learn too much, because my class starts at 8:10AM. That's pretty early and I have no idea how people can think properly during that time, but I guess you do what you need to do to get things done. Well, my class is called Personality Psychology. I didn't think I was going to learn very much because before he was introducing to the the students more about the class than anything itself and it was boring I have to say. However, today was different--different in that he talked more about life. That's what I wanted to hear. Man, it was truly music to my ears and did spark my interest.
I find that the world is constantly busy and occupied with too many things, and I find that my entire nineteen years of life in this world has given me at least that much insight. We're always and constantly "on the go". Of course that's not necessarily a problem, but I believe that when you see that as the only part of life, then maybe you should check that part out again.
So what I learned in class was that we, as human beings tend to ask and inquire about the world, how we fit into it, and wonder about the kind of person that we are. We are continually pulled and swayed by one thing or another and oftentimes we find ourselves doing things that might not make us happy but we do it only because everyone else (or the multitude) are doing it. Dude, I think that way so many times, and I know so many people who just don't know very much about themselves; here age does not matter. It's like when we are too preoccupied with worldly things, we tend to put those things first (though unimportant as they may be) and make them our own problems. Think about how many times we place someone's problems and make it our own, or look at someone's actions and judge them because we believe their actions are unacceptable--or maybe we praise them and value them so much that we want to become JUST LIKE THEM. I capitalize those words because having a desire to be like someone else who you truly admire is a strong, possessed feeling that sometimes we simply cannot escape from. I mean, we've grown up wanting to be like our parents until they did something that we find is not normal or highly disagreeable by the others in the neighborhood, etc. Well, that was before, but what about now? I mean, now you have a mind and you are capable of understanding many things. Know that you are blessed. After all, there are those who cannot think because they were born retarded or that their brain is starting to fail them. I wonder...can these people be like you or me? Do you think that we want to be like them? Do we ever want to be like those who have nothing or are below our own social class? What are your standards for meeting people?
So my professor was talking about a story where his sister was forced to marry a man who she didn't love by her father because she made a mistake and got pregnant. Her father told her to marry the man because he believe that they (neighbors, world, relatives) might think. Um..okay. So they might think. What happens then? Worse comes to worse is that you get all sorts of criticisms. I suppose time difference does play a huge role in how people will perceive you because this happened during the 1920s and many people then were extreme conservatives. Let's find out what happened to the girl. FYI, she was pretty young--like 22 years old, if I recalled correctly. So she got married to the guy, and whattayaknow, she was the most miserable human being; the marriage was a mess and she was unhappy. After six years of turmoil and unhappiness, she got her divorce. Turns out she married again, and with another man who also made her life unhappy.
Let's think (okay, so here you can think for yourself): We should start thinking for ourselves because the they out there is and will never live our lives for us. It's true--I repeat, NEVER! Therefore, what do you want? You know, it's sad, but people ask me that all the time. Know what I tell them? I say, "I don't know--I'm not sure; I think I want to be a doctor; I think I like Spanish; I want to help people; I think I am going for Biology as a major...." I am never sure, because I have all of these conflicting issues of my own expectations and the expectations that have been put on me. Yeah okay. I don't have it as worse as most other people who are forced to do whatever their parents want. I only have a mother, and she wants me to live a good life. She believes that being a doctor for me might be good because I will be able to learn more about the mind and body and how I can take care of other people--but, most importantly, I will be able to take care of ME! The entire time, my mom is telling me that I should live my life and truly make it my own. I wonder how many people in the world get to do that. We are often placed in situations where we must do what we have to because we need to survive in this very competitive and complex world in which we live.
I ask myself again and again before it's too late--who do I want to be? If I could block out everyone, then I know that I have told myself before that I want to be my own person. I don't want to be changed by you or anyone else. At a very young age, I already thought I was different and I was beginning to accept it. There was one thing that I believed and will continue to believe: everyone is different and unique. I can even go as far as to say that I want to believe that you are also special. I'm not sure exactly why I think that way. Maybe it has to do it my personality. I have been blessed with an artistic ability. Since I was very little, I loved staring at art works for as long as I can and appreciate the beauty of its details or lack thereof. That part of me has been applied to the rest of the world, and the individuals that make up the world.
Though bad as you may seem, I don't want to judge you anymore. I just don't want to. By judging you with anything that you do, I'm taking up too much energy (because the aftermath is that I'll probably continue to think about you more than I will think about myself, even if your problem has faded away for you....). I remember watching a video in class about some African women who are suffering due to poverty. Also because they were not educated enough (but it mainly had to do with culture), most of them believed that having a lot of children is good. Some even had sixteen children total! That's unbelievable. What happens then is that the husbands, or man of the house, have to go out elsewhere to find work, leaving the women alone with their children. I remember that I felt mad, angered, and I wanted to do something but didn't know what. I walked out of the building feeling incredibly sad and tears started pouring down my face. I couldn't stop crying. I wish people could help each other--I wish that things are different. So I called my mom, and advised me to not cry and why should I; what could I have possibly done? Funny, I took their problems and wasn't even there to witness it in person and already I felt compelled to take their problem and make it my own. I could not do anything for them or for anyone at the moment but yet I was crying for them, feeling angered, and my tears really were wiping my energy away.
I must remember. I am only nineteen years old. I am in college. I am healthy (well, let's say I still am physically well so far). I live with a family. I have friends. I am learning.
Why don't I translate that to "I have". I have to remember. I have lived for nineteen years. I have a college life experience. I have my health. I have my family. I have friends. I have learned.
Aren't those a big deal? To have so much. I already have so much. These things that I have should help me, however, to figure out who I am. I am not missing too much of anything that would require me to keep seeking elsewhere for answers. I don't need to occupy myself with drugs, alcohol, parties, acquaintances, or too much stress, etc., because what I have is what will give me meaning. I need to start somewhere, and starting here is good enough. I feel that every day is a blessed day. Thinking that way has totally changed my perspective of things. It gives me hope that one day I will get closer to being who I want to be. In addition, I am blessed to even believe that life is precious and wonderful.
Do you ever stop just for a bit to look at the birds in the spring and smile just because they exist? Do you ever pause to look at the flowers in the summer and how they brighten up the trees or the green leaves that surround them? Do you ever look at the other person in front of you as you're walking down the street and smile or wave at them? Is not there not always something that the world has given to you, but yet you haven't the time to slow down and appreciate the moment?
This, however, does not mean that you should forgo your studies or anything that you are doing now. It means that you should try even harder to place yourself as number one on your list.
My mom has told me something that I will treasure for the rest of my life: You are important.
The Bible has said: You are worthy.
God has said: You are loved.
Just think about it. Know how important you are to yourself. I don't mean to say that you should therefore be selfish or only consider your actions. It's more of a review that when you have finally figured out yourself because you placed yourself first and not the burden of the world onto your lap or deep inside of your heart, that you will finally find more meaning in life and possibly even self happiness. Besides, if you still want to do more for others, think about how much you can give them just through being the more stable one. You can be their support because by then you will be strong enough to withstand many hardships and can even take the time to spread out and open up that hand in peace.
Therefore, tough or tempted as it might be, do not lose yourself, okay?! Stay strong!! <3
I wanted to talk about Death, and how it could revolve around this subject. I think next time, since I already wrote an extremely long blog anyway.
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