What Am I Doing?

Do you find yourself asking what I am asking now? I know that I find myself asking that almost ALL the time. I could be exaggerating, but lately that's one of the biggest thing on my mind.

I also realize that I depend on God maybe a little too much. Dependence is not such a bad thing--at least not until you focus all of your hopes and desires into one thing. Where is that balance?

Balance. Such a nice word, if only it's perfectly doable. HAHA! PSHHHHhh..!

It's okay though. Life is a learning process. I learned that much. I've been talking to different people; I learned especially from talking with the older individuals who have been through much of life. They tell me things that only confirm my belief that I seriously need to think for myself. Yet, I don't think I'm too good at it yet. I hope to get better at it though.

I'm still confused. I don't know for sure what is happening to me, but I feel somewhat different. I can't even explain it, and even if I try, I know it wouldn't help.

For example, I could describe this one thing that has always bothered me and that's me stressing out because I believe I don't have the time. My entire body would physically react and of course biology plays into this somehow. I'd become very nervous and my body would feel all panicky. Maybe you would understand if I told you that I used to have an incredible knotty feeling inside of my stomach. But well, in comparison to the way that I felt before, I can only describe my feeling now as indifferent, and more calm. Maybe it's because I'm learning that I can't change time, so why stress the freak out? What good would that do? Yup. Supposedly, I'm helping myself. Or maybe I'm too tired of reacting. That could be a second reason; I'm sure it plays a part in the way that I think and feel.

Oh well, let's try this again. After all, there's a reason why we get chances to improve, it's because improvements are possible. HEH  :)

I just want to add something to keep me going: Before I forget, I would like to remind myself that once again, I should not give up--people/everyone should get a chance(s) in life; this is the reason why I want to help people, because I believe in this all the way through. I believe I should give myself a chance as well; through this, I know that it will be possible for me to rise, so that one day I can look back and help those who are struggling, weak, or weary. I'd like to be there for you. I only need a chance to be there for myself first. Please wait for me.